Need Sympathetic Mom

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2003
Need Sympathetic Mom
10
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 1:51am
I'm not taking my 2 yr old to his playgroup anymore. No one understands what I've been going through. When I told them he was diagnosed with PDD, I get comments like, "I don't see it", "You have to be careful with labels", and about all the therapy he's having....."I think it's too much".....blah blah blah.....AS IF I haven't already thought about all of these things. I'd like to see what they would do if they were in my position. I wish people wouldn't be so judgmental when they don't understand the disorder or the problems I've been going through......and NO ONE ever asks how he's doing or is sympathetic. One two-faced mom has been talking behind my back to the other moms. I can tell they think I'm overreacting & overdoing it, but they are clueless.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2004
Sat, 04-16-2005 - 2:12pm

Boy have I been there and done that. Before we knew why he acted the way he does I would get so embarrassed when Layne would have one of his tantrums and he too is a big boy. Most people think he is older than 8. I have heard it all from old people in Wal-Mart and the grocery store to the know it all perfect moms who just think your childs a brat. Most of the time I ignore it but sometimes you just can't. I think we should start a new discussion with all those witty comebacks and then I can write them all down in a little notebook and keep in my purse for jerk emergencies. You should watch The Nanny those kids make ours look like angels, at least the ones I've seen. I think it was a couple weeks ago when this like three y.o little girl maliciously got a glass of water from the kitchen and poured it over her moms head, b/c mom wouldn't let her play a game after she messed it up for others. WHEW my ds has never done that!!!

Kristi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 11:19am

My son is now 7, and has made so much progress that most people cannot tell he is spectrum. However, when he DOES have an outburst, people do judge, esp. as he is SO tall and graceful for his age that people assume he is closer to 10 or 11! I have perfected my "get-your-damn-judgement-the-hell-away-from-me" glare and few continue anywhere near my hearing range once I aim it, which is all I care about.

However, had we done nothing back when everyone was telling us there was nothing wrong with him and we were overreacting --- well, I have seen children at 10 or 11 who act the way he did when he was 2 or 3. Should I have taken that chance and just "waited for him to grow out of it?"

My favorite comeback line : at Disney, we had the Handicapped pass so we could go to the front of every line, and as my tall lovely boy danced to the front of the line, a grandmother in the long line hissed at me, "THAT boy is handicapped?" I gave her my mini-glare and said calmly "Just because you cannot SEE a handicap, does not mean that one is not there." She swallowed with a little "ohhh..." Most satisfying.

yours,

Sara
ilovemalcolm

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 10:15am

Hi,
I could've written this post myself. I can't tell you how many times people have put their 2 cents in about my 2 year old and it drives me nuts. I know some of it is well meaning, but it makes me a little crazy for some reason. And, I can't stand the gossips. I feel like I can spot them from a mile away. They have nothing better to talk about than how we are over-parenting. Urghhh!

I just wanted to let you know that I can relate 100%. My heart goes out to you b/c it is very painful to have people judge and make comments. As parents, we are trying our hardest to do the right thing for our children and it's so difficult not to have the outside support of our friends. I hope that your family has been supportive.

If you would like to vent or discuss further, feel free to e-mail me privately at chunkymonkeybear2002 at yahoo dotcom.

Take Care,
Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Sat, 02-26-2005 - 8:13am

Jen,

Those are some of the tamer ones! We did have a thread -oh about a year ago, where we all posted explanation lines and comeback lines. It was very funny. I tried to find it but i-Village seems to have removed the "Advanced Search" function (bummer).

My best ever line was delivered off-the-cuff to a very obnoxious man in K-mart:
"Do you always pick on disabled 4-year-olds, or have you waited your entire life to meet your intellectual equal?"

He put down his purchases, left the line and practically ran out of the store.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 8:43pm

I just love your wit Paula, I am going to file some of those comebacks..I really like the one about a Phd in early childhood development.I always like to think between all the specialists seeing Jason they have a combination of about 50 years of university studies, they must know SOMETHING?

I always want to say something too.."oh you mean I quit my job to take Jason to all these appointments/thearpies when there is nothing wrong with him?? what was I thinking, do you think I can get my old position back?"

Glad we can all relate to this and laugh a little.

Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 7:40pm

You just described my whole family. "but he LOOKS fine". How can he have Autism?" "You're exaggerating" "Lots of kids don't talk until they are 4.5"

etc etc ad nauseum.

Yes. That's it. I'm a bad mother who has Munchausen's by proxy and so I "make" my children take OT, Speech and Special Ed. I also somehow cause them to fail tests and fool psychologists, teachers and therapists alike.

Oh and aren't we all crazy over here in America, where there is a diagnosis for EVERYTHING (but Munchausen's by proxy is a valid DX, apparently) I should just take them back to Ireland and let the nuns beat it out of them.

I hear you loud and clear. I have many standard responses for people like that which range from
"Oh. I didn't know you had a PhD in early childhood development"
To
"After you have found a cure for Autism, you can give me parenting advice, but not before."

Sheesh.

These people drive me nuts. In the end. I know I'm right and they're wrong, and I just get on with my life, thanking God I am 3,000 miles away from my family. I cope with them WAY better that way.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 1:59am
Yes, it's too bad. I would like him to interact with the other kids so he can learn to be sociable, but I just can't stand being around ignorant people, and I would probably lash out at them next time. One of the moms who was really friendly hardly talks to me & looks at my son differently now. I'm thinking of signing him up for a community class, if we can fit it into our schedule.
Avatar for cathby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 3:03pm

I had a mom (of five boys) tell me that there wasn't anything wrong with my DS (she knows all about boys). And now it's a year later.... a mutual friend said just yesterday "You know... no one believed you but you were right."

Of course, I would rather have been wrong and DS be typical....

I am sorry you are going through this.

Cathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 1:57pm

I know it is difficult and undermining when you are dealing with a developmental issue and outsiders are so dismissive. My neighbour whom I always got along with really well, is a fireman so really good at crisis etc. Well one day, I came home and my other neighbour went to take Jason out of the truck and I just panicked "don't let him walk" since Jason is hypotonic and therefore unstable.

Well my neighbour friend (the fireman) chastised me in front of every one "oh she's always saying he's delayed, he is not delayed, you are too overprotective and do everything for him"....Sigh I wish it were that easy.

I really feel you have to create a subculture of support and understanding, there is just no way in the world many people outside of the issue can ever get it unless at some point their lives have been somewhat impacted by it.

Every friend I have told has been really good with their responses, as in respecting what I am saying, then they say "if there is anything we can do let us know"...while I appreciate that, I wish maybe sometimes people would just spontaneously do something for me! You know, offer to have my older son over, buy me a book on the subject..am I being pessimistic or is that line kind of an empty line?

I heard it a lot when my parents passed away, and you know what? I do not remember ever having asked someone for something, I DO remember, people that DID something by their own initiative. I guess it is a lesson for us all, it has taught me how to help people with issues/problems etc.

Yes, there is no way we can live in only one world once we are on the pdd ride.

Jen & Jason

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 2:22am

i'm sorry you've had to deal with that! i would bet everyone has been there with those comments in some shape or form. i think that some people think they are making you feel better by saying "i don't see it". heck, i heard that from my own father for awhile. just remind yourself that you know your child better then anyone.

after diagnosis, your circle of friends certainly changes. i find it challenging to continue friendships that aren't supportive. i have two good friends from high school. one is a teacher with a BIL with ASD. she really tries to be there for me. the other one, don't even get me started--doesn't call or even try to understand.

please reconsider the playgroup thing though. is your son doing well there? that social interaction is so crucial, and if he tolerates it-maybe see if you can find another similar group.

keep us posted, valerie

~Valerie