New and so scared

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2004
New and so scared
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 8:59pm
Hello. My name is Tracy and I'm a stay at home mom of 2. Samantha is almost 5 and Matthew is 3. Matthew is my "special" boy. I've always sensed something was different about him. Well, this week, after he had his testing done, we now know he has Asperger's. I think I was in shock with it all, like it didn't hit me. They told me I should enroll him in some structured playtime, like youth gymnastics, so I did and we started today. Today is when it hit me. As I sat there and helped my 3 yr old son do these simple things that ALL the other 2 and 3 yr olds were doing so willingly and easlily, Matthew struggled. Yet, he was having a wonderful time doing it. I saw the difference today, I saw how different he really is. I felt like I had to explain to everyone why he was acting the way he was, liked I owed them an explaination. Instead, I just helped him, and smiled while doing it.

Am I wrong for feeling so sad? I'm scared for him, for me and our family. My husband doesn't deal well with stuff like this, and I'm scared this will make our already rocky marriage even rockier.

I'm glad I found this board. I feel so alone right now, confused and scared.

Thanks for your ear.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 4:50pm


I just want to take your hand and start walking with you down this road into the world of autism spectrum disorders.

~ Chelsea
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 9:29am


(((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))) and welcome

I am Paula, SAHM to Peter, 5½,


visit my blog at
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 8:27am
Hi Tracy,

My name is Courtney and I have two girls. My 7 yr. old was recently diagnosed with Asperger's too. For the last 3 years, we've struggled to find out what was going on with her. Basically, it all became apparent when she started school. Looking back, I can understand why we didn't see it before but then again, there are times where I cannot understand how we couldn't recognize that something was different. \

Anyhow, I understand how you are feeling. I think that getting the diagnosis at his age though will really help you and him when it comes time for school. It is difficult to not feel sad. Our DD has struggled socially since she started school but now that we know why, I can already see it getting better because now we know how to help. It's not all sad though. I can tell you though that there are things that will and probably have already completely amazed you about your ds. Those things will only increase. My DD can do some things that just blow me away. She can read a 100 page book in an hour and knows what she read and loved reading it. Her artistic capabilities are wonderful. I have a picture she made in art class hanging in our living room...I was so impressed by it that I matted and framed it. People come in our home and are just blown away when they see it and realize she made it.

Good luck Tracy. It will all be okay. I know that you'll be as happy you found this board and I am. It is a great place to find people who understand in a way that those around us just can't.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 04-01-2004 - 7:16am

I think Amy and Michelle pretty much summed it up! We are so happy you found us, and we hope we can be a part of what is good about having a special needs kiddo. And there is a lot that is good!

May I suggest you check out our website, it is on the top of the board home page. And skim some old posts. The only real requirements for membership to our lot is that you do a healthy bit of ranting, venting, and write some epic posts! Just kidding, but if the need arises, please know we all do it at some point, so it is more then good. We want to be the safe harbor in this storm. Oh, I forgot the most important one of all! Please share the joys!!!

About your DH, well, mine, too. I'm lucky in that he got the ball rolling by saying "There is something different about the way Liam plays with other kids." And he insisted we look into it. This was around the same time he was struggling in K, so everything went from there. For a long time, however that was his only contribution! No shoulder to cry on, no late night mutual talks, no support. Just a general sense of "you handle this, I don't want to hear about it, but make it all alright". As my son's psychologist told me once, men don't necessarily pull away, they pull in. As in into themselves. Women act. With one comes a lot of silence, with the other comes talk. Thus, I took over and he just let me. As the time has passed, he has become a lot better. Now, he has actually gone to the last few important things. The evaluation follow-up and the three most recent IEP meetings. But he doesn't do any of the little things!

He also has decided Liam needs scouts, so they do that without me. It took a couple of years to get him to that point, and, um, I think he did it more because he felt he could do some of it better then me, but hey, who cares? I'm just happy he's working it all into his normal 60 plus hour a week work schedule!



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2003
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 10:29pm

First, welcome to our cyber-safe-haven. This really is a wonderfully supportive group, and I think you'll gain more knowledge from these moms than you'll ever get in a book!

What you are going through is really rough, and being sad is part of the process. In many ways, you're going through the stages of grief. Sadness, anger, denial...if you're like most of us, you'll hit them all in the next several months. I'm not going to lie to you and say it gets better. It doesn't get "better" because these Dx's are things our families will deal with for the rest of our lives. But things do get more manageable. You and your family will learn coping mechanisms, behavior techniques, etc. These things will help.

But what will help you the most as you GROW through this process is watching the amazing things your special boy will learn and do. Every day I am more and more overwhelmed by the special gifts my two "spectrum kids" have. Okay, maybe they lick things they shouldn't ;-), but they really are incredible! My three year old, who has only been in early childhood for three months can already spell the names of EVERY CHILD in her class! And I truly believe that if it weren't for her incredible rote memory, this wouldn't be happening.

My best advice...gather all the information you possibly can, be sure you trust the medical professionals you deal with, when in doubt- get a second opinion, and most of all stay focused on the amazing moments. If you don't do that, the "issues" of being an aspie parent can overwhelm you.

But for now...just grieve. It's okay to grieve, it's okay to be confused, and it's okay to come here for comfort and support. We mommies have to stick together!

Again, Welcome!


Meez 3D avatar avatars games

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Wed, 03-31-2004 - 9:33pm
Hi Tracy,

Welcome to the board!! I'm also a SAHM of 2. Tyler is 7 and Nathan is 5. I've always known Nathan was a bit different than Tyler. But I just thought he was a bit delayed and just had a different personality. He hit all his milestones, so I didn't feel the need to worry too much. Now that he's 5 and in preschool it's hard to ignore now. The differences stand out too much incomparison to the other kids.

We're getting him evaluated now. Just had a 3hr eval today. But we have to go back on Monday to finish. I should have a dx by Thursday.

My husband isn't doing well with Nathan's situation either. It's been really hard on me. I've had to attend all the meetings and fill out all the paperwork on my own. All the decisions have been made by me. No one seems to be able to talk to him about it. He just tells everyone that it's too hard for him. So our conversations don't really get too deep, if you know what I mean. We just talk about daily things. Intimate, deep conversations about the kids---usually ends up in silence---on his part anyway.

I have found that telling people about my situation helps. I have nothing to hide. I don't go around announcing it to everyone, but I do tell people that I have weekly contact with, just so that they know. I have found that everyone is very supportive. And willing to talk to me about my struggles, which is alot more than I can say about my husband. Sometimes, just talking about it----or posting it on the computer---can help.

I'm glad you found this board, and I'm sure you'll find it to be a very comforting place, as I have found it to be!!! Feel free to ask any questions and respond to all of our posts---the ladies on this board are really sweet, and great with advice!!