New Here - Devastated/Distraught

Avatar for teerose731
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
New Here - Devastated/Distraught
Sun, 03-05-2006 - 9:50pm

I have been on iVillage for years, first on IVF then on Pregnant with Multiples (I have triplets), now I frequent the gifted child board - I have always been able to come here for support and now I really, really need it. I feel like I am going to lose it very soon.

I will try to make a long story short.

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Avatar for cathby
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2003
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 1:03pm

Hi Theresa,

My DS is 4.5 years and I have been where you are. It's extraordinarily painful. You are doing the right thing by getting him help early.

From what you said, yes he has some signs that concern me. But he also has some tremendous "skills": eye contact, social skills with his peers (not just his siblings), empathy, ability to read your gestures. And those questions he asked aren't just a combination of words: the "wh" questions (ie who, what, why, etc.) are higher-level speech.

Wow, and to have two same-age peer models living in your house is fabulous!

Did you see the article on sperm donors in yesterday's New York Times magazine? (It's online, I'm sure.) I learned a lot. They talked about moms like you meeting up with moms from the same donor.... One thing that jumped into my mind is that you guys should contact the sperm bank and share your stories. Just because this guy has "proven fertility" doesn't mean the moms shouldn't be aware of these issues that are popping up. As you know, it's really, really difficult.

Hang in there and let us know how all of you are doing.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2006
Mon, 03-20-2006 - 8:37am


Getting the diagnosis of ASD affects different people in different ways. You are already partially prepared. You realized there was something out of whack and you contacted people who should be able to help you...that is half the battle.

Myself, I was happy to finally hear Matt's diagnosis. I knew that he had issues and that they all involved some form of autism. When the doctor gave us the diagnosis of Asperger's I was relieved. I could finally start directing my reading towards a specific topic. Knowledge is power. You, as a parent have the power to educate yourself, your family, teachers, friends...everyone your child comes in contact with.

The ASD diagnosis is a rollercoaster...anyone who tells you everything is fine, has never had a special needs child. There are setbacks, I won't lie to you. But, on the flip side..the gains that the children make and the changes you see are well worth every tantrum, sleepless night, and bump in the road. It's frustrating, maddening, saddening, to watch your child struggle, but the joy you feel when they speak in a complete sentence,tell you they love you, draw you a's takes away those negative feelings and you do see hope.

Just remember...take it one day at a time, get some support (you may already have that with the other mothers you have been in contact with), and most importantly make sure you have time for YOU (hard to do with small children). You as a parent also need down time...time for you to recharge your batteries so that you can be the best MOM you can be.
Easier said than done...but a necessity!

Good Luck..and welcome.
The ladies on this board are the best...there is a ton of support and many of them have been through it all before.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 10:24pm


welcome to the board.

You know your son. You know his abilities and strengths, and even if he does end up with a diagnosis, none of that will change. What will change is your ability to know him from a a different angle, with additional information and resources, and to help him to succeed on his terms.

The earlier you understand what is going on with him, and how to work with it, rather than against it -whether it officially has a name or not, the better his future will be.

My kids re now 7 and 5, and are blossoming now after a lot of work and help. They are funny, kind, playful, smart and sometimes very wise. I wouldn't change them for anything.

Hang in there. You are at the most difficult phase of this journey. The unknown and the feared is far worse than the known and understood. Knowledge is power, action is empowering, and help is available.

You have done the right thing to schedule the eval and to come here. Your gut instinct is serving you well. Stick with it, and you will be OK.




visit my blog at
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Wed, 03-08-2006 - 8:56am

I like your take on labels.


Avatar for littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 03-07-2006 - 1:04pm


Edited 2/19/2008 9:23 pm ET by littleroses
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2005
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 11:06pm
I just wanted to say welcome! I have a 3 year old son diagnosed last year with PDD and a 21 month old daughter who is also in E.I for sensory problems right now but we plan on having her evaluated in the summer also for PDD. This board is great and all the moms are very supportive so I hope you stay around.
Teresa(without the H)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 2:34pm


Hi and welcome! I still have people in our lives that have doubts. They don't actually say it directly, but it's the way they act and the things they say. Our son is 7 and dx'd HFA. His traits are times. He tended to be more autistic at home when he was younger, so other people didn't really notice everything that we notice.

His traits have surfaced more now that he's older, but he's still able to hold it together pretty well. With my help and with the help of his speech therapist.....he's talks well now, and is doing fine in 1st grade.

Go with what your heart tells you. I wouldn't listen to what others have to know your children the best! If you feel that something isn't quite right, then go with your gut and get it checked out.

My son always made eye contact with me, his dad, and his brother too. He was and is still very loving, and affectionate. Although he's not always able to "read" other people, he is able to "read" us and our feelings too. Autism is a very wide spectrum. All of our kids here are different, though we share alot of things in common, as well!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 9:38am

Oh, I also meant to tell you that people saying he's fine, quit trying to find a problem....I heard that, too. It's hard when friends and family act like you are being a hysterical mom, but know that you are doing right by your son. Early intervention is very important and think how early you have caught this! The earlier you catch it the better, because you can be working on it rather than just stewing over how you know something is off but can't put your finger on it.

I'm rootin' for you!


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 9:32am

When you first get the dx it is so overwhelming. I remember being relieved that I wasn't causing the problems and that I wasn't just a completely inept mom. My family had been telling me I wasn't disciplining my son and that if I simply did this or that the issues would go away. Well they didn't so it was a relief to finally have some answers, but then it was like, "Well, NOW WHAT?" and a feeling of total dispair and emptiness. But after a lot of research I realized that my husband and I probably had a lot of the same issues as kids, and we grew up, found each other and have a good life together so there is definitely much hope for our son. Try to keep in mind that there is SO MUCH help out there. We have also noticed a lot of improvement just because we do have some answers and we aren't viewing the behavior as a discipline problem. Having the dx helps in that manner and will hopefully alleviate some of your anxiety because now that you have an idea what your challenges are going to be you can develop a plan. Try not to get too discouraged. We've had the diagnosis for over a year now and it becomes less overwhelming -- it truly does.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2001
Mon, 03-06-2006 - 8:39am


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