NEW HERE - NEED ADVICE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
NEW HERE - NEED ADVICE!
6
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 7:44pm

I'm new to this board and was just wondering if some of you may be able to share with me some of the symtoms your children experienced prior to their diagnosis. A little bit about us........I had a rough pregnancy, I was very upset all the time because I was abused both physically and mentally and then (thankfully) left when I was 6mo. along. I was 20, alone, scared, and hurt. I had family, but it's just not the same as having the father be a part of things. From the age of around 3mo., Jack was colicky - he would scream for hours at a time. He started to crawl at 5mo and was walking at 7 1/2mo. It was around then he started banging his head on things like windows, doors, and the floor. He is very intelligent, his speech is so well developed for his age and always has been. He can be very loving and sweet on his "good days." I am concerned that he may have some underlying issues. He very rarely makes friends because he has the tendency to be mean to them. He is bossy and throws tantrums almost every night. By the time he was 3, he had been "kicked out" of 2 daycares for biting other children, mainly babies. He struggles to fit in and is often very shy around other kids yet gets along great with adults. He loves to be naked and sometimes refuses to wear certain items that are too restricting such as underwear or socks. It seems like there is always a struggle with something when it comes to him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

P.S. - I forgot to mention how absolutely adorable he is!

-Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 9:44pm

HI again Ali,

First of all, if your son has issues you didn't cause them by parenting. See the problem is that often our kids (prediagnosis) are very difficult to parent. We try our darned best but really don't have the tools to teach a child with these sorts of problems so we fall into doing whatever is neccessary to keep those darn meltdowns from happening.

I will tell you that even if you could make some improvements with consistency, etc. Even the best typical parenting in the world isn't going to fix neurological problems. So you didn't cause it and if you have been less consistent than what is optimal, there are many of us here who understand that. I am an extremely consistent parent having 8 years of ASD diagnosis in house and practice but I understand and I have fallen into that as well. It is something I have to constantly work on.

Next, I wouldn't wait too long if you are concerned. Perhaps see how the beginning of the school year goes, but the earlier you get started on help the better if he needs it. Don't keep waiting just because you don't feel he meets what you have read here. Each instance is different. There were even many signs when my kids were younger that I blew off or justified. (All kids do....., every kid develops at thier own pace, he is just independent minded, etc. )

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 6:50pm

Hi Paula,

Thanks so much for the reply. My Jack just turned five on June 27th, and will be starting school in the fall - I guess that is the reason I am acting on my concerns. After being kicked out of the two daycares, we found another in-home daycare for him to attend. She is unlicensed, however, has been very good with Jack. She is an older, southern woman who won't accept bad behavior....very strict with the kids. There is only one other child there full time, the other one comes after school. Jack was attending preschool twice a week, where he did pretty well. The exceptions were his bossy and aggressive behavior toward the other kids. I'm confused as to what is considered normal and what could be cured by changing my parenting style. I'll continue to watch and take some notes, and thanks so much for the reply. It's good to have some support.

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 6:38pm

Thanks for the reply, Renee. Jack just turned five at the end of June. I actually had him evaluated a few years ago for his behavior but because he was so young, they were hesitant to give a diagnosis. The evaluator recommended waiting a few years and then having him re-evaluated. For the most part, they were saying that he is average for his age. I am positive that some of his behavior stems from my parenting out of guilt for not having chose a better biological father for him. I tend to be inconsistent at times usually out of guilt or convenience. I know it's wrong, but this parenting stuff really is pretty hard!!!! I guess it's even harder to know the difference between the learned behavior and the behavior he has no control over. I may just continue to watch this board and take notes and maybe see how he does in kindergarten this year. Then, if needed, get a second evaluation. From what I can see, there is a very thin line between Jack's issues and what the other parent's have mentioned. He's kinda in the "gray" area I guess.

Thank you so much for the advice -

Ali

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 2:46pm

Hi Ali! Here is my best recollection of what my son Vaughn was like as a baby/child. I developed high blood pressure/toxemia at 36 weeks - they induced him at 37 weeks - 8 lbs 9 oz. He hit all of his dev. milestones within normal ranges: rolling over 3 mos, sitting 6 mo, crawling 7-8 mo, walking 10-11 mo, but he did only say a handful of words before the age of 2 yrs (but all the words were correctly pronounced - he never did babble or baby-words like baba) - right before he turned two years he started speaking in 3-4 word sentances - again, everything pronounced correctly - well articulated. Started his train obsession at 2.5 yrs (continues today). He never went through the "terrible twos" until he was around 4 yrs - at 2 yrs I never had to have locks on any of my cabinets or doors, he did not explore and get into stuff, he could play trains for hours, could watch the same video over and over.....we wore out several tapes because of this. He was pretty easy going until he started pre-school. He was kicked out of his first preschool after being there for 2.5 months. The next school was ready to get rid of him on the first day but somehow I changed their minds. He had a school eval in preschool at 4 yrs old - they did not conclude anything except there was some sensory issues. We continued to have "behavior problems" at school. Son was finally diagnosed about 6 months ago.

That's all I can think of right now.....HTH!
Christie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 12:13pm

I was wondering how old Jack is now too.

If you are concerned then have an evaluation. It wouldn't hurt that is for sure.

As far as my kids symtpoms that would take a while, but I will try to give you a quick summary for both for thier preschool years.

Cait - colicky, motor and verbal skills were a bit delayed. rolled over at 7mo, crawled at 10mo in an odd way, rolled over weird and dislocated her elbow 2 times because of it, walked at 16 months, first word around 16 mo was doggie, was obsessed with colors and letters from about then. Couldn't follow directions, or hold a conversation. At 3 her language was very weird and she would mix up words, she was tested at over a year delayed in all areas but preacademic as she knew all her letters at 2. From 1yo and on she was not interested in playing with other kids and would wander the perimeter or hide under things. She is much more social now (12). She was kicked out of one day cares too because she "wouldn't listen" and wandered off. We pulled her and her brother out of the second one becuase stuff was happening due to thier differences. They weren't kicked out but I felt they weren't safe.

Mike - he was an easier baby but he never liked to be held or cuddled and absolutely refused to be rocked from his first days home from the hospital. He crawled at 6mo, walked at 12mo, first words were around 12 mo. His language was not as delayed as his sister then and he had a good vocabulary but back and forth conversations were very difficult or non-existant. He obsessed on certain videos and would watch them over and over and copy them. From 2-3 yo he WAS steve from blue's clues almost all the time. He had done the biting other kids thing at day care too and was very difficult for them. We pulled him out of the second one because of the above. He was removed from the first one because his sister was kicked out (he was a baby). The one where he had the most trouble was the woman who watched me as a child and she had a TON of foster children go through her house. She was well able to deal with my special kids.

Mike was outgoing but always ticked off other kids by his need to be boss. He has horrible stranger and separation anxiety. He had horrible meltdowns and tantrums. He had no safety skills and would run right in front of cars. There is tons more but I realize I am late and have to leave, lol.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 8:07pm

Hello Ali, and welcome.


It's very hard to compare and contrast.

-Paula

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