prayer request

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
prayer request
24
Wed, 09-14-2005 - 4:39pm

for me. DH and I are going through a bit of a really rough patch. he is considering moving out. Can't say I didn't see it coming but I have resolved myself to go and take care of myself and be the strong woman cause I have to for the kids.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 2:34pm

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers! how difficult! I know it's even more so when you have the stresses of kids that need extra support!

Betsy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
In reply to: rbear4
Fri, 09-16-2005 - 10:51pm

Renee,

Sorry it took me so long, I've been having computer problems!

As you know, dh and I have our own problems as well. We're still trying. He's trying to talk to me like he used too, trying not to be so distant and moody. It's still hard. He says he wants to be here, but he acts like he doesn't. So, we're taking it day by day. I'll be thinking of you. Hope you're able to work things out.

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 2:11am

Well, at least yours says he wants to stay. Bad place now. I just spent the last 2 1/2 hours listening to him and trying to talk with him. Listening to all the woes that I don't listen to and so far I get that he still doesn't know if he wants to stay, and after 2 1/2 hours I said "are we any better?" "I don't know".

I am starting my own individual therapy cause I got this feeling that I am going to end up alone and I am going to need the support of a therapist to keep my head screwed on straight.

His main complaint was he can't talk to me. I listened and did my damn best. I didn't get to tell him barely any of my worries or complaints. I listened, I probed, I questioned. I made sure he was able to tell me everything he could from what he couldn't from the last year. I was not judgemental (except about the I don't know thing) but still not good enough I guess.

I am starting to think nothing will be good enough. There is only enough room in his heart for him or some new love out there. But it seems that isn't me.

Renee




Edited 9/17/2005 2:21 am ET ET by rbear4
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: rbear4
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 8:29am

Dearest Renee,

Oh, honey, my heart is breaking for you. Won't he go to therapy WITH you? Cliff and I have done that a few times when the going got real rough, and it really has helped. It just sounds like you both could use a 3rd party to help sort all this out and maybe try to rebuild your communication skills as a couple? I'm sure this has occured to you, smart woman that you are, and there is some reason why this isn't a choice that you (or he) feel will work, but he's backing you into a corner and not offering you a way back to him. Maybe he can't see one right at the moment...

How very very painful this all is, and, well, I can't help but feel that he is being very foolish. He is the one who has not been taking care of himself, talking and sharing with you, withholding himself. Letting you take almost full responsibility for those children and your household, probably feeling terribly guilty about everything you do and his uninvolvement, building an armour of resentment and loneliness and despair and now he is stuck. In his mind.

And sadly, leaving you will not really resolve what is going on with him, IMHO. Does he say he wants to find a new love? Ohmiggawd, ouch, if he has said that. He sounds and acts very angry and hurtful, really, so closed down.

Forgive me if I am overstepping with my responses. Anyways, my thoughts and prayers continue with you both and your lively household of beautiful children. I am lighting a candle here in NYC, hoping that it will light up both your hearts so you can look into yourselves and see the steps you both must take clearly (whatever they are) and with love and comfort.

yours,

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 8:38am

yep we have mentioned therapy. He has agreed but then can't seem to find the right person, etc and doesnt know if it will work. Doesn't know if we should have ever gotten married, doesn't know if he wants to leave, doesn't know if he wants to stay.

In our conversation he is still bringing up hurts from his childhood with his parents. HELLO! Not my fault. I told him I think he is depressed, has been for a long time and he needs to work on that. He wasn't sure if he agreed.

We are seeing things differently. I see our vows as sacred and worth fighting for. He doesn't know if our vows were ever right in the first place. I think love is more than a feeling or warm fuzzy and he just thinks it should be more feeling. I think that even if there isn't feeling right now there will be and there is to much invested to just give up. He is looking for that deep feeling of new love, soul mate that he thinks he missed.

Does he say he wants another. He says, big shock, he doesn't know, maybe

Thanks for all the support. You girls have no idea how much I need it. I am in the process of waiting for the kids therapist to email me back and deciding if I want to use her for this. Otherwise I have a couple names for me. I think that is where I have to start anyway.

Gee, being a single parent with 4 SN kids is going to be a hoot.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
In reply to: rbear4
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 11:19am

Dear Renee,

Yeah, but truthfully, it might be one hell of a lot easier than being the mother of FIVE Special Needs Children, one of whom you have NO control over, who refuses every bit of intervention and help available and refuses to take any responsibility for his own well-being, who has put in a lot of years since having chosen to be married and having chosen to father each and every one of the other four ...

and is now claiming to had made a mistake?

Cyber-sending Hugs, wine, chocolate, cases of Calgon, and a virtual stretch limo to take you first to that therapy,and then to the airport to go cross-country in a Lear jet to a night out on the town here in NYC with a fabulous, hot, studly man (I know a few and even available) to take you dining, dancing and get your mind of your problems big time!!! Maybe we should just skip the therapy...

Sara

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 11:52am

I am SOOOO there. Just make sure he isn't a blonde. I have had enough of blondes

He decided to go with his dad to a bible study this morning since he thinks he is more spiritual than I am. I don't even think he noticed or cared that I slept on the couch, or conversly didn't sleep.

He is about to get an honest email since he can't stick around long enough to hear my side.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Sat, 09-17-2005 - 5:03pm

Renee,

Chiming in late yet again.

I agree with Sara (I think it was she) who said that 4 SN kids are better than 5. I can't help but think that this is a stupid phase he is going through, and that he will get some sense (esp. when he realises how darn cold it is out there).

I think the e-mail thing is a good idea. DH and I had a major spat about 1.5 years ago (around the time I had that surgery) and we ended up having this major e-mail conversation. It was funny that we couldn't stay in the same roo and have a conversation, without tears an/or raised voices and accusations, but e-mail allowed us o say what we wanted to say, put down our take on how we had felt during ____ incident, and basically clear up a lot of our differences.

It also helps to just get thoese thoughts and feelings out -even if you don't send the mail in the end.

(((Hugs))), dear friend. I am thinking of you all the time.

-Paula

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 1:48pm

update,

There were lots of misunderstanding in the last conversation. DH is not a great communicator. Things are better but still going to therapist.

Inlaws watched the kids all afternoon yesterday and we spent the day together. That helped. Crossing fingers that it continues to get better.

Renee

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rbear4
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 8:06am

((((HUGS)))) I'm keeping you in my prayers that you are able to save your marriage and that he'll come around to the sacred vows that he made at the beginning.

Dh and I have been married for almost 16 yrs. We have gone through several phases of "why did I/we do this?" but both of us are so stubborn that we'd never break those vows, but the thought has crossed our minds. My DH too shows lots of aspie traits (he is a horrible communicator) and often I have to pull stuff out of him (he talks to me much more readily in bed in the dark than talking face to face). When we go through these phases, we've found that trying to go back to dating and the exciting part of our courtship helps (getting way from our kids and their problems and back to why we fell in love w/ each other).

Maybe the Lord will convict him while he's in Bible study? (nothing like a lightning strike to bring one back to reality away from ones wallowing in the mud of self-pity) Or maybe he'll find something that will stir his soul to right everything and take his focus off himself? Just a thought, even is his motives are out of whack for going he might just turn to the right!?!?

sending lots of cyber wine and chocolates and a HUGE dose of patience! You are so strong you'll come out shining no matter the outcome!

Betsy