school behavior vs. home

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
school behavior vs. home
14
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 3:01pm

Okay, I have lost 2 long posts, and therefore won't do the long explanation, again.

- Christina mom to-

Chloe (10)    Aiden(8)   

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 3:25pm

Christina,


Oh, yeah.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 4:33pm

Christina,


I have one of those kids who was Dr Jekel at school and Mr Hyde at home.

-Paula

visit my blog at www.onesickmother.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 5:32pm

Thank you for your answer.

- Christina mom to-

Chloe (10)    Aiden(8)   

Avatar for betz67
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-16-2007 - 7:55am

very much so! Our 10 yr old DS (dx asd) holds it together pretty well at school (lots of stimming but usually kept to things that are acceptable through OT), but falls apart at home. We get lots of 'Weston does not act like that at school' or "you need make him do his homework, if you remove the distractions he'll do it just fine" blah, blah, blah (all the while they're thinking bad parenting). Usually by the middle of the year he's doing a lot of the same stuff at school so then they sort of understand.

Betsy

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-17-2007 - 1:27pm

It is very common for this to happen. In fact it is more the rule than the exception.

My dd was queen of the meltdown, still can have the occasional meltdown. From the time she was 1 she could have hour long daily tantrums which fortunately she rarely does at all anymore. (Tantrums last less than 15 minutes and are maybe a few times a month if that and are not as severe at all anymore)

However, she has never, ever had a full blown meltdown at school. Only this year (in 7th grade after being in special ed since 3yo) has she come close when she starts to cry in school. Prior to this she would shut down or become non-compliant in school and then only when she was totally overwhelmed and couldn't deal anymore. Those same non-compliant/shut down days would be total chaos at home with a monster meltdown including sometimes self abuse, distruction of stuff and aggression.

My son on the other hand is more your equal opportunity guy. He loves to give the school just as much of the love as he gives us. This actually works out better in some ways because he gets more supports. Kind of the squeaky wheel philosophy I guess.

Renee

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Registered: 05-26-2000
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 8:15pm

Yes here too! Some days Josh (7) gets off the bus and just has a meltdown for a couple of hours. It has been getting better for him, but I've also noticed that as time passes he is losing it away from home (only if he's with us)--even at school if I'm around! Is your kiddo, by chance, very shy, literal, and rule oriented? I have a theory on why our kiddos display this difference in behavior. I'm curious as to whether or not the kiddos that do this are very similar in the above traits.

Heather

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Registered: 11-15-2006
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 12:38pm

Chloe is extremely shy, and I am coming to realize fairly literal.

- Christina mom to-

Chloe (10)    Aiden(8)   

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 8:39pm

Well that defiance may not be as defiant as you think. OFten with ASD kids it is a matter of "sticky" or perseverative thinking and poor communication.

For instance, my ds lately has this lovely new behavior of not responding or talking to me at all when he is mad. Total cold shoulder/non response. Doing this at schoo too. Totally ignores me no matter how I plead, bargain or threaten. Doesn't matter if I tell him it is rude, etc.

YEsterday it dawns on me. He often has a hard time with saying innappropriate things. I kept telling him, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all. He finally got it but is taking me EXTREMELY LITERALLY! and not breaking that rule. Though on the surface it seems like he is being rude and defiant.

Other times I will ask him to do something and he will flat out refuse. What we have found is that he cannot transition that quickly. If he is watching TV and I ask him to put a book away he just can't do it that quickly. He needs a warning, "Mike at the next commercial can you put this book away?" Or "Mike in 5 minutes we are leaving" then I set the timer.

Finally, auditory processing is a big issue. Often defiance isn't defiance. He never heard the direction in the first place. This is a huge occurance with Mike. He often is either checked out or just doesn't process/hear the information. In school his teacher even knows with a regular direction she calls his name and waits a good 5-10 seconds for a response, then gives the direction and gives him another 5 to even 30 to start. He often has to process the info and even transition his brain into the new activity.

There are many other reasons for "defiance". Autism is a neurological disorder but often its only symptom is those of behavior and in more able/verbal children with autism those behaviors can often look like defiance, rudeness, etc.

Renee

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Registered: 10-03-2004
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 10:21pm

Yes, Renee, SUCH a good description. Malcolm has much of that same stuff, the not listening that is being off in his head or not quite processing, sadly he often says the appropriate thing to get you to think he heard you, ie. leave him alone/get rid of you, BUT he really didn't hear you and then he gets angry when you are angry... Oy.

The time warnings really work with Malcolm, although I have to get him to repeat what I said to make sure he heard me, THEN get him to answer that he agrees to the time limit, OTHERWISE he again may have not really listened and be blowing me off, and when he gets angry about having to transition and thinking he's not been told --- he's not "manipulating", he didn't hear me. Double Oy.

I have never seen Malcolm be rude on purpose, only in a confused or self-focused reaction -- although he is beginning to understand alot of behaviors (sometimes after the fact) as rude and esp. in other people. And he can now recognize it in himself, he now knows he needs to be careful with certain subjects and in certain situations.

Sara

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Registered: 05-26-2000
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 1:52am

Okay...so here goes my theory.

I will start by saying that I totally agree that defiance isn't always defiance. That being said...after reading many books (including one that I can't think of the name of off the top of my head that classified Aspies into four general categories (one is called the "rules kid" which describes my earlier thought of the shy, rule oriented, literal child), and through observation of my own son I've come to this thought process:

1. Our kids have grown up with us, doing what they do, stimming, meltdowns....whatever their brains and bodies say to do.
2. They are comfortable at home, with their family, in their own surroundings. (This is also a documented portion of an anomaly when it comes to why kids with visual-spatial problems can't, for example, seem to complete school work, but can have large notebooks full of their special interest (the other portion is, of course, because it is in fact their interest). ;)
3. They are very rule oriented, and when they first go into the new school environment the rules are rather cut and dry, and a lot of that has to do with staying in your seat, raising your hand if you want to speak, not speaking unless you are called upon etc.
4. They are very shy, therefore difficult to become truly as comfortable at school as at home or with family.
5. Very literal which makes school even more frustrating, confusing, etc. which leads back to even more rule-bound thinking to compensate for not being able to completely understand other things because they are taken literally, because the rules are all they know they can count on being correct.
6. Even though our kids have difficulty understanding social issues and social communication they DO understand,and are very sensitive to being bullied and picked on for their differences ect. because they DO WANT to fit in. ( I know my Josh even went as far as to not want to color because kids called him "scribble scrabble" because he has fine motor issues from hypotonia.)

Put all of these factors together and we have kids that struggle everyday to do what is expected of them in this uncomfortable, confusing, frustrating environment where they are focusing on following the rules because that is the one thing that truly makes sense and doesn't get them picked on (unless they are like my son where he also rats people out because they don't follow the rules which only compounds the problem). When they finally get home--comforting, familiar home they are on such overload that it all pours out taking the shape of a meltdown, excess stimming or perservating, or just plain "checking out".

Okay, that is my theory in a nutshell. Understand, I am not a professional, just a mom of an Aspie that has read everything that I can find on the topic.
I'd love the input of all of you on what you think of my theory.

Have a great weekend everyone! We will be going to the zoo (where they let you feed and pet the giraffes!)

Heather

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