STRICT Parenting

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Registered: 08-04-2001
STRICT Parenting
2
Sun, 01-23-2011 - 10:51am
Parenting experts weigh in on 'Tiger Mother' They don't agree with all of Amy Chua's strict, controversial methods — banning play dates, sleepovers and all grades lower than A. But setting high expectations has some value, they say.



http://www.fox59.com/health/la-he-tiger-mother-parenting-20110121,0,4035725.story


www. It's Not Mental .com


Avatar for Cmmelissa
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Registered: 11-13-2008
Fri, 01-28-2011 - 1:40pm

I know that she really scoffs at the whole "boosting your kids self esteem" idea, and that really bothers me.

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Registered: 08-04-2001
Sat, 01-29-2011 - 11:01am

Ha ha... well, apparently I am a Western-style parenting wuss. My kids had chores, and expectations. They were polite. I expected them to work hard, and fulfill their commitments, but the goal was not the grades but the learning and understanding. I wanted them to learn how to learn.

They had music to play, but each chose to to that. But since we were paying for the lessons they wanted, they were obligated to at least do what the teacher assigned. After that minimum, we coulkdn't care less if they actually learned the piece assigned or not. So what if it took 1 day or 100 days? It wasn't like they were expected to be in Carnegie Hall! The object was for them to fulfill what they agreed to, AND to have something for their life. Personal gworth. A hobby. Enjoyment.

As for school... I did expect them to do their assignments. The younger one had a learning disability. Wow - that sure changes things quickly. Parents grow up from that, I think - really learn to separate our goals from those of our children. Yes, I pushed her to learn to overcome adversity - her "disability." Not to be incredible, but at least to be able to survive with it. And yes, it was a lot of work on her part - frustrating to keep working on something which for her was the hardest. It required the formation of new brain connections. But I did not push like Tiger mother. Mostly, I let the tutoring center push her. What she wanted from me was to just be the nurturing Mommy. And that's what I mostly gave her. That doesn't mean I was a pushover. Like I said - I did have some expectations.

You ask what to do. Different things work with different people. One child I know was very intelligent and ADHD. He would get Ds and Fs in school, then get grounded until the next grading period - or indefinitely until he brought his grades up. He was very social and had LOTS of friends. Was the class clown. Lo and behold, each time he was grounded he got mostly A's!!!!!!!! But nothing below a C. Then he would be ungrounded and his grades would drop again. And so the cycle would go. Upon graduation from high school they sent him to a maritime academy for the structure and he slid by with Cs. When he fell in love with a woman who had very high expectations of him, boy did he turn his life around and went back to college and got a masters with straight A's!!

So, if you know he is capable, he needs the motivation. How to motivate depends on what matters to him. At least we need to teach our children they can succeed. THAT is what truly lies behind self-esteem. Not us praising them, although they need to know we love them no matter what, and we recognize their accomplishments. But the self-esteem comes from other sources in real life. Their social ability. Their success in sports that comes from a lot of practice and hard work. Leadership ability, artistic ability, working hard on a paper and getting it done to their own satisfaction, then having that validation for their work from the teacher and us. If it is still a poor job, is it to the best of their ability given the time they had? If so, then they SHOULD feel satisfied.


www. It's Not Mental .com