how do you get thru all the guilt

Avatar for kcmc89
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
how do you get thru all the guilt
7
Sat, 02-19-2005 - 9:17pm

I just feel so guilty about Tj being sick. Maybe I did something wrong. I feel like I have disapointed everyone. I feel alienated from everyone because no one understands and I am really just sick of explaining everything over and over to my family. I fell like I am not paying enopugh attention to my girls or dh. My whole day is comsumed with Tj and all he needs, the girls and housework. I am not complaining I love them with all my heart. My kids are my soul, my reason for living. This putting such a strian on my marriage. We cannot sit and talk when the kids are around,He is such denial that he doesnt want to hear anything I say. I just cannot be everything to everybody. My girls are acting out. I say no dh give in so they dont cry. So that makes life interesting around here. I am soo sorry to dump this on all of you but I am drowning. Dh refuses to go back to therapy( that was one of the requirements for me to get out of the hospital when I was admitted for cutting myself but thats a whole nother story.) The only break I get is every Monday I see my therapist. My aunt and grandma are the only ones who will take all three kids. Most only want the girls. Grandma is 80 and my aunt is in her late 50's so he is a super handful with them. I usually bring his movie( Wizard of Oz) and he will sit and watch it from beginning to end. Now he is loving Woody and Buzz so maybe I will get to see a new movie! No one understand how I feel.Thanks so much for letting me ramble. Sorry to be such a downer. Maybe things will get a little better after he sees the neurologist in 2 weeks.

Kathy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2005
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 11:38am

Kathy, ((((HUGS)))) I'm so sorry your dealing with so much. I don't think you need to apologize for being a downer. Your not a downer, your just down today!
When I'm feeling responible for Ds's issues. I try and remember my guilt isn't helping him or me. I try and think of something OT related that can help Ds and let all my little ones participate. We play a game or set up an obstacle course. I tell my husband sorry about the lack of housework being done but it was a mental health day for mom.:)
btw: I do waller in my guilt but mostly at night. I'm so glad you have your therapist to talk to maybe he/she could offer some suggestions. I'm sorry I couldn't offer much help. I hope you could feel the hugs though.;)

Sherri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 6:27pm

{{{{{{{{{Kathy}}}}}}}}}}}


Glad you came here to vent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 7:58pm

Oh sweetie! Things so SO hard. First off, CALL the DEPARTMENT FOR SERVICES FOR PEOPLE WITH DISABILITIES and call TJ's therapists. Start paperwork for RESPITE CARE. They will send someone to your house who is trained to work for people with disabilites and handicaps and they will come and watch TJ when you need it (either on a fixed or variable time schedule) so you can get a breather. I have't done all of this (so my advice is more from an outsider point of view), but I do know a lot of people who have, and it has helped them SO much. One of my neighbors who has a child who has very severe CP uses them and they come and watch him when she needs a break, and they send out university students to work with her son on doing his daily therapy. It gives her a huge break. She also mentioned that they have agreed to set up a cleaning lady 1 time a month. I don't know how she got all this, but I do know that it is possible.

I also know that the wait can be a little long, but they take cases on a need basis, not first-come, first-served. So, with how overwhelming it seems like it has become to you, I think you could get some help in a more speedy manner. You need a few things to apply. I think you will need TJs SSN, his birth certificate, and a few letters and things from therapists, etc. Not a lot.

And second, I want you to know that you are a great mom. You are doing as much work as most mom's with 6 kids probably do. Seriously, you are doing a LOT! Having a child who has special needs is such a hard thing. And it is hard when people can't "see" physical signs of him being sick. It is so hard that they LOOK normal, but don't function normally. People always assume that it is the mom's fault, and it could not be further from the truth. You are doing SO much to keep you son from having more issues and you deserve a HEARTY pat on the back (and some chocolate...and an award for doing amazing things.) I want you to know that you are great. You are doing great. TJ is lucky to have a mommy who is willing to walk to hell and back for him. Not all mommies do, you know. I just want you to know that I understand where you are coming from. So do all the mommies on this board. So does your therapist. Please, try to get some respite care. You need to get a break and TJ and your DDs need a healthy and happy mom.

Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 9:30am
I gave my parents the book "The out-of-sync child" to read so they understand. In-laws dont seem to get it they think "He will grow out of it" My dh feels left out to.. Do u keep a journal? I think u really should and get all those feelings out. For the other therapy u are in I have a website I go to since I am in therapy. www.healthyplace.com I go there..I look forward to my therapist so I can bit%h about dh. (((hugs)) Laura
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 10:15am
oh Kathy ((HUGS))))))) I am so sorry you are feeling this way.I also feel the same way you do.I could have wrote the part about your dh,dd,ds myself.I just try the best I can and hope everything will be fine.I know that it is so hard but I relly try every day to take 5 mins after the kids go to bed to talk to dh.Sometimes he talks sometimes not but it has helped me out a little.I hope things are going better for you today.((HUGS )) Tammy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 4:51pm

Kathy,


I think all people. especially dad's are in denial about their children having issues.

               

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2005
Tue, 02-22-2005 - 9:05am
I think you are absolutly right. Denial is the word..My husband would say "He's fine today" well, thats true but in 5 minutes he may not be. How can we get our husbands to listen really listen? REMEMBER LADIES MEN ARE FROM MARS AND WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS.