Discipline and rewards?
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|Sat, 01-14-2006 - 1:01am|
Don't worry, they're actually behaving for a change, LOL. But that raises other issues. I was going to post this on a discipline board, but you all know my kids better, and I've gotten flamed for saying I give rewards - can you imagine?
I think it all boils down to being fair. Like the last time we went to WalMart and we let Ruby out of her stroller. She needed a few reminders for not watching where she was walking, running off to look at something cool and touching, but overall she behaved quite well, no tantrums and took our reminders seriously. She made a point of trying to behave, which is a first out in public. I said we should get her a small reward, a sticker or sucker maybe. Sammy of course had to ask what about her? Was she good too? I tried explaining that yes she was good, but she wasn't "extra" good like Ruby. Sammy knows the rules and can follow them, she's 5 years older and it's always been easier for her anyways, so no I wasn't getting her a reward. Of course Sammy got mad because I wasn't being fair. (The same thing would happen if we rewarded Sammy and not Ruby) Somehow we've spoiled our kids into thinking fair means equal KWIM.
Ruby is better at other things, like bathing herself, eating without being messy and chewing with her mouth closed. We praise her for doing well, but it's not as big an accomplishment as when Sammy does well. It's practically a miracle if Sammy can eat and only be a little messy, LOL and we let her know how well she did. Then Ruby starts fishing for compliments as well. Which is another issue - fishing for compliments. DH and I just hate that. We don't like praising one dd and the other one basically demanding praise as well. So we say "No fishing allowed" and they get the point - sometimes.
I really suspect we caused this ourselves. Giving the same plate at dinner, they both get a treat or nobody does, the same happy meal toys, etc to avoid any major conflict. I think it was okay when Ruby was younger, she really didn't understand (had to have everything the same way Sammy did), but she's old enough now to learn. Not everything has to be equal, and that fair and equal don't always mean the same thing. For some reason, Sammy has reverted back to this too. So, now that we've done this, how can we undo it. They just have to learn they earn privelges, rewards and praise when they do good things. We expect different things from each kid because they have different ages and different needs. Sometimes they both do really well, sometimes only one of them does. We try focusing on the positives, so the kid that doesn't get positive attention thinks they're being neglected and never gets positive attention. Really, now I know why my mom was constantly telling us "Life isn't fair so get over it" and telling stories about everything having to be exactaly equal or there was a major crisis. I have 5 siblings, so I really feel for her now that I'm going through it, LOL.