Special needs and behavior

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Special needs and behavior
11
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 1:52pm
Hi,

I have been reading various parenting books , they seem to differ if special needs effects the child's behavior. Barkley says that defiance has nothing to do with ADHD ,

the NHA seems to say that that a kid's bad behavior is motivated by the desire of getting fireworks or response from parents - so both of them use behavior modification in the form

of positive and negative reinforcements ignoring any of the issues the kids have. On the other hand Greene - explosive child says that many special needs kids are developmentally delayed in handling frustration and demands placed on their flexibility so the focus should be placed on teaching skills. I find this confusing. My gut feeling as a parent is to be a teacher of skills and deal with his issues - short fuse, anger etc.

I am sure all books have something to offer . Any advice

Yours Mary

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 2:35pm

Hi Mary and welcome to the board.


I know there's a lot of information out there and it can be very confusing, not only to you, but to the child you're using the techniques with!

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 4:34pm
Hi Jan,

You did not answer my question directly but your answer implied teaching skills together with nurturing. Nurturing in the form of praise comes from the NHA but where does things like role play, family meetings , dealing with the issues, etc come from , not from behavior modification in the form of positive or negative reinforcements - tough love , 123 magic , NHA. Behavior modification addresses motivational problems , not skills .Is it because you are a teacher and an educator ? Also being a teacher to our children , and understanding that they might be lacking skills and not just brats is very nurturing.

You have helped. I think I will look into how the NHA can contribute to the skills learnt by applying the collaborative problem solving techniques of the explosive child

Thanks

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-27-2004 - 6:29pm

Mary, I'm sorry I missed a part of your question.


This is what we did as far as family meetings...those are something we do every week routinely.

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2001
Wed, 04-28-2004 - 9:49am
In spite of what some authors will say, what is going on behind a behaviour DOES matter and therefore we cannot always respond according to a BEHAVIOUR alone.

Example:

Behaviour:

Child does not do as told.

Possible Reasons:

1. Child is "blowing you off" - figures he/she does not "have to" do it.

2. Child does not understand the instruction

3. Child is actually having an absence seizure.

4. Child is feeling totally overwhelmed and attempting to do what he was just instructed to do feels like he will lose his thin grip on what control he currently has.

5. Child is hearing "voices" and getting conflicting messages.

As you can see, no one response is going to be RIGHT. We can only gather an arsenal, and use them with our parental love and insight behind it. We may not always be right ... at first.

-Naomi


Edited 4/28/2004 9:50 am ET ET by naomi_njw


www. It's Not Mental .com


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 8:13am

Naomi,


I agree that knowing what's behind the behavior is important...however, how you "choose" to deal with the behavior is important too.

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 9:49am
Jan

You soo hit the nail on the head so to speak! First is to figure out what's causing the behavior and then secondly the method in which you choose to handle the behavior!

I have been using the proactiveness..in otherwords trying to catch them before they "meltdown"(as my children have complete and utter meltdowns to where they don't function) trying to figure out where their frustration is coming from and getting them to talk with me about it..has really help my children to not breakdown as much..granted there are still those days..(f.ex. the days where I'm tired and just don't catch the signals that they are on the edge) they breakdown..but I have to say my children and I have become alot closer and they explain more as to what's going on instead of reacting.

But it really truely is best to look at your family..your belief system..your children...and find what works best for you and your family..cause there is NO ONE way to raise children..cause that would mean all children were the same..and they're not.

((((hugs)))))

~~Liv

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 9:41am

Thanks, Liv and although we may have those days we wish things were otherwise, we wouldn't trade the unique traits each of our children has.

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 2:41am
Hi,

Thank you all for the replies. Jan, after reading a lot of posts on the NHA discussion forum especially yours I see very much the remedial teacher , the educator and also elements of NHA. Your post on dealing with anger is pure Greene's explosive child with the last 3 words from NHA "and experience a success." You seem to have an unique approach


"Are there specific activities or frustrations that are sparking the anger? A lot of kids tend to lash out if routines are changed with out sufficient transition time, frustration at not being able to solve a problem on own, etc. It might help to sit down over a glass of milk and a treat and talk about what's been going on in the classroom and see if he can identify some of the "triggers." It's possible that once those have been identified, the two of you can come up with a plan for him to "avoid" the trigger and experience a success.

Here is a link connected to my first post here. What is your view of special needs kids ?

http://www.massgeneral.org/depts/cps/cps_howwearedifferent.htm

I feel that the NHA is more in the children do well if they want to , that their behavior is attention , relationship, fireworks etc seeking - kids realize that negative behavior brings a pay off - you get more of a relationship from your parents and parents by not energizing or giving attention to negative behavior and giving a lot of emotion to the positives , finding as many opportunities to make the kid successful you transform the kid. I could be wrong here but the feeling I get that dealing with negative behavior would be giving attention and showing that negative behavior gives the kids more of a relationship with the parent.

Greene would say instead of asking how I can motivate my child to act differently , ask what is getting in his way so you can help him . Parallel to this I think that building self esteem , upping the positives , trying to make your kid more successful will help him respond to your teaching which as you said help him experience success. For me the explosive child is me the teacher , the help while elements of NHA help the kid feel more successful and more willing to learn. Jan - you seem to have this comprehensive approach.

Thanks for listening

Mary



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 10:55am

Mary, I appreciate your kind words...but feel quite inadequate in a lot of ways.

 


 



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-10-2004 - 2:25am
Dear All and Jan, - Sorry about the delayed response. I read all the posts again etc – the beauty about being a parent is being able to develop that approach which can be even a combination from various sources which you think fits your child and also your personality. So it becomes quite critical –how you view your child – what is the main factor underlying his behavior - children do well if they can = lacking skills or it is a problem of motivation so behavior mod tools would be used. The NHA does not focus on teaching and rather the kid seeks attention from his parents and his behavior will be dependent on which behaviors give more of a relationship – so dealing with issues according to NHA is giving the child the message –“ you'll get my undivided attention when you do something bad." From the NHA board the author is very consistent with his view of children – homework problems is the kid acting out wanting your attention – give an unceremonious consequence (which depending on the child can really escalate things and then we have to lower the rope) and up the positives, or the kid has social skills problems – again the kid is acting out, once he gets fireworks from the positive, his problems will sort themselves out for when the kid is feeling successful he knows exactly what to do , they don’t have to be taught as you said -. Often it is the child that is ultimately the teacher in the long. Jan you would definitely look to see what was underlying not doing homework or lack of social skills and look for positive interventions like role play, problem solving, making the environment more user friendly etc. NHA says “ to focus on the more successful and positive behaviors that the child does do when he's doing it and do it proactively (just as CPS notes)- (CPS says be proactive on the front end not being proactive with praise for you praise a kid after he has done something or refrained from doing something) You say “ At this time you're creating a bond and nurturing the child and hopefully forming that close relationship of love, care and concern...rather than the focus of, "you'll get my undivided attention when you do something bad. “ For sure I would agree that feedback , acknowledgement , empowering through believing in the kid , positive affirmations is critical to the relationship , but this close relationship is critical for the kid to see you as a help and be ready to have a dialog and communicate , work through things together , collaborative problem solving. Here we are focusing on communication and problem solving skills getting the kid to do the thinking , coming up with ideas. The real effective time to do the teaching is not when the kid is incoherent during a meltdown. That is certainly counter productive and not being proactive. But when you relate to a kid not as a difficult child but a child with a difficulty and don’t respond with consequences but show you understand what the kid is about and he is not just attention seeking and being a rat . Bad behavior implies the kid is being difficult ,could do better not that he has a diffilculty. I believe that a lot of our kid’s behavior is a reaction to how we speak to them , the demands placed on their flexibility , they react to situations rather than willingly seek out to make trouble. Also we model behavior a lot, we must remember not to “ energize “ our own disappointments and be calm . An attitude that when things go wrong it is not the end of the world or no big deal , we can try again etc lets problem solve leads to an environment conducive to love and learning Consequences , time-outs, is essentially negative: I can't communicate with you, and so I'll hurt you if you don't mind me. The positive counterpoint is: We all make mistakes, and you can trust me to help you do better in the future. We try to use positive interventions, together with the child finding alternative and replacement behaviors , better solutions. You say “I do believe that we have to treat the child as a whole, not just the bits and pieces that are often exhibited during a rage or meltdown. We have to understand what is making the kid tick – it could be attention seeking or there could be a real problem and it is getting in his way. Whether the kid’s reaction is explosive or implosive when faced with some frustrating situation he clearly shows the lack of thinking , problem solving , language etc etc skills . For me as a parent and not a teacher , CPS puts teaching back into parenting. You say “The approach you found, CPS, sounds good, but I think we'd have to explore it more just as we have with some of the other approaches we've looked at.” I find it important to know what the assumptions are , the view of the child , is it a back end or a front end approach etc when reading a parenting book. I recommend the explosive child and feel that the praise element of NHA can enhance the responsiveness to teaching . By the way, what board(s) do you cl? What is cl. I am the ultimate lurker and learner . I prefer looking at the resources section of sites rather than the forums – sites , bp kids especially their news letters , conductdisorders.com – here the explosive child is by far the most recommended book , explosive kids , the center for effective collaboration and practice http://www.air.org/cecp/ and of course the NHA site forum –because the author participates and I have learnt a lot from you Jan. This thread has really helped me get my thoughts together. Here is a link of interviews with various authors and professionals including Greene http://www.parentsjournal.com/InterviewsEmotionalDevelopment.html

There are other interviews on different subjects - check the home page - journal interviews

http://www.parentsjournal.com/ All I think have something to offer but one should have an understanding how they view children . I hope you all had a happy mother’s day, as I once read of a kid who said “ when mom is happy every one is happy “

Yours Mary

Sorry for being so long





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