New here and at the end of my rope!!! (beware..This is gonna get long...)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2010
New here and at the end of my rope!!! (beware..This is gonna get long...)
Tue, 11-30-2010 - 8:05pm

Hi everyone!!! I'm Sam, single mom of three boys (ages 9, 7 & 5). I kind of lurked around this board years ago (I hate that word, sounds so creepy lol) and I'm not even sure if this is where I should be for advice, but it was the first place I thought of. So, here's the situation. I was raised as a Jehovah's Witness. I have nothing against them; mostly great, well-intentioned people. I was disfellowshipped (i.e.kicked out) when I was 22 due to my second pregnancy outside of marriage (both by the same man..they let the first one slide). The dad, who I later married (then divorced) was also JW as is his family. Fast forward to now (I just turned 8 years). I'm now a single mom of 3 boys (all same dad). I got reinstated (i.e.. they let me back in) last year. Basically, you go to their meetings for several months, say you're sorry for what you did (in my case, fornication), they let ya back in and everyone is happy. Now, the only reason I even bothered was because my immediate family would have very little to do with me. My brother would barely speak to me, my dad wouldn't talk to me at all. My controlling mother would still call multiple times a day, but often complained about how upset she was about "the situation." One example of their exclusion: after the divorce I went back to school and double majored in Finance & Risk Management. Even though I was attending meetings and not doing anything a JW would consider 'wrong' no one in my family attended my college graduation (and I was the first person in my family to go to college).

So, on to the current situation. I've never been a religious person. Even as a child I wasn't. I always dreaded going to the JW meetings (as a child and as an adult). Even after I was reinstated I knew the situation wasn't going to work for long. Knocking on doors on a Saturday morning telling people things I didn't necessarily believe in myself??? No way. Well, not too long after that I met the most wonderful man on the planet (wonderful for me at least). I had given up on finding anyone that would deal with dating a single mom of not just one, but THREE kids. He's amazing. He treats me like a princess, loves my kids, thinks religion is the 'opiate of the masses' and loves me just the way that I am. We've been dating for a year. My family doesn't know. But, my mother found out that I've not been attending meetings (only do when I visit them). I use 'found out' loosely because she was really willfully ignorant of it. Now she's beginning to think that maybe I'm seeing someone (yes I know!! I'm a grown woman, this is ridiculous!). So, I get this LOOONNNNGGG email last night saying basically that I need to pray more, I need to pray so hard that I cry. Umm...yeah. She then went on to say that if 'someone else' was wanting my attention that it would be damaging to the children because they need me (I had said something about the fact that I have them over both thanksgiving & xmas break, she took that as me complaining about spending time with them!! WTH? I said I was worried about finding childcare!!). So....any chance anyone else has been in any situation remotely close to this???? Oh gets worse....

So, I'm done with the JW thing. I just have to deal with the parents (any advice there would be more than welcome!!!!). Now for the kids. As I said before, the ex is a JW as is his family. He married a girl that wasn't a JW, but she 'converted' for him. He doesn't believe in 90% of it anymore. However, he still fakes it and pushes it on the kids because he doesn't want to deal with the parental backlash (he, his wife, and their child live with his parents). I'm so concerned for the boys. They aren't going to know which way is up. Perfect example of what I'm dealing with there: next weekend was his weekend with the boys, but we're switching because he's going out with his friends for his birthday! However, he's so involved with the JW's that he gives talks at the meetings!!!

I'm so stressed out that I'm sick over the whole situation. My mother sent me this email and told me to 'take time to think about it and respectfully respond,' but has been calling nonstop today. Of course this is the woman who, when I lived in the same town as her before I graduated, would drive by my house to make sure I was home late at night and not out fornicating and such. I honestly don't have anyone I can talk to about this that has any idea what it's like to completely reject their parent's religion (I live in NC, nearly everyone here goes to church with their family on Sunday). I'm afraid this is going to get really ugly, really quick.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2005

Welcome to the board Sam!

Avatar for firstglimpse
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003

Now LDS is not as strict as JW, though the guilt & the outcast

"Only when we are sick of our sickness shall we cease to be sick."

~ Lao-Tzu, from The Tao Te Cheng
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2009

Welcome to the board, Sam!

Avatar for lola528
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003

Hi, Sam--welcome to the board. I haven't posted in a while, but I try to keep up with what's being posted. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2006

Dear Samantha,

I haven't seen that you've been back here since your original post.