Can't help but to ask why?
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|Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:12pm|
I know God has a plan for us. But why did this happen to Sam? and if it turns out to be nothing (like I'm really hoping and praying) then why was he spared and so many other kids not? I've met alot of other parents online since this happened and we have it alot better than most of them. I am counting my blessings on that I really am.
In the middle of this terrible time with Sam, as I sit by his hospital bed, crying like a baby, I just kept saying why? why?, what did I do wrong? was it something I did while I was pregnant? not that I thought God was punishing me or anything. But horrible things go through your mind and you just want to know why this happened.
when I found out I was pregnant with Sam, it was a huge surprise, of course most kids are, esp. if you're Catholic. I was not happy, as a matter of fact I cried. I then decided that Sam was meant to be, told my mom, he has a purpose, he's going to grow up and cure cancer or something (how ironic). But after he was born, I had postpartum depression really bad. Just felt like my life was over, and I couldn't handle this at all. That lasted a long time. But I got through it and he is the light of my life and I was so glad that his big brother had a little brother.
Through all this I feel terrible guilt about how I felt about Sam. I think when you're in that state of mind you are just so emotional you can't help but to think things like that. I know there are alot of kids and people who have it alot worse than we do.
I keep waiting for that call about the biopsy results saying yep, we are right, its not cancer for sure, he's going to be fine, no more surgery, etc. That is my hope right now. One day at a time, right?
I guess I'm just rambling but had to get this off my chest. I do know this, this horrible experience has brought me closer to God. Alot closer. My whole family. The night before Sam's biopsy, my dh's aunts and unlces, (theres about 12 of them) at 7:30pm all over the country, stopped and prayed the rosary for Sam. Now is that something or what? Not to mention everyone on this board who has prayed for us.
you know the night after SAm's biopsy, I had this really strong feeling, I don't know if it was my motherly instinct or God's hand on my shoulder. I just felt like "everything is going to be okay". and I'm trying desperatley to hold on to that.
One last thing before I'm done rambling. A prayer request. Nicole (a parentsouper)has a 2 yr old dd, Kira is having brain surgery tomorrow morning. Little Kira has had trouble since she was born and they are now going to try to remove the tumor. That family has been through alot. Please pray for Kira and a good outcome. And for her family to give them strength to help her through this.
oh, and thanks for listening. I really appreciate that and all the prayers.
mom to Sam my hero