Can't help but to ask why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Can't help but to ask why?
5
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:12pm
I'm sure everyone knows lately about my ds Sam and his brain tumor. I've been doing alot of deep thinking and praying about what has happened to us, and can't help but to ask why? I know you're really not suppose to, but being human and all you can't help it.

I know God has a plan for us. But why did this happen to Sam? and if it turns out to be nothing (like I'm really hoping and praying) then why was he spared and so many other kids not? I've met alot of other parents online since this happened and we have it alot better than most of them. I am counting my blessings on that I really am.

In the middle of this terrible time with Sam, as I sit by his hospital bed, crying like a baby, I just kept saying why? why?, what did I do wrong? was it something I did while I was pregnant? not that I thought God was punishing me or anything. But horrible things go through your mind and you just want to know why this happened.

when I found out I was pregnant with Sam, it was a huge surprise, of course most kids are, esp. if you're Catholic. I was not happy, as a matter of fact I cried. I then decided that Sam was meant to be, told my mom, he has a purpose, he's going to grow up and cure cancer or something (how ironic). But after he was born, I had postpartum depression really bad. Just felt like my life was over, and I couldn't handle this at all. That lasted a long time. But I got through it and he is the light of my life and I was so glad that his big brother had a little brother.

Through all this I feel terrible guilt about how I felt about Sam. I think when you're in that state of mind you are just so emotional you can't help but to think things like that. I know there are alot of kids and people who have it alot worse than we do.

I keep waiting for that call about the biopsy results saying yep, we are right, its not cancer for sure, he's going to be fine, no more surgery, etc. That is my hope right now. One day at a time, right?

I guess I'm just rambling but had to get this off my chest. I do know this, this horrible experience has brought me closer to God. Alot closer. My whole family. The night before Sam's biopsy, my dh's aunts and unlces, (theres about 12 of them) at 7:30pm all over the country, stopped and prayed the rosary for Sam. Now is that something or what? Not to mention everyone on this board who has prayed for us.

you know the night after SAm's biopsy, I had this really strong feeling, I don't know if it was my motherly instinct or God's hand on my shoulder. I just felt like "everything is going to be okay". and I'm trying desperatley to hold on to that.

One last thing before I'm done rambling. A prayer request. Nicole (a parentsouper)has a 2 yr old dd, Kira is having brain surgery tomorrow morning. Little Kira has had trouble since she was born and they are now going to try to remove the tumor. That family has been through alot. Please pray for Kira and a good outcome. And for her family to give them strength to help her through this.

oh, and thanks for listening. I really appreciate that and all the prayers.

Carmen

mom to Sam my hero

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2001
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:09pm

((Hugs)) Carmen..I was just thinking of you as I flipped over here, to this board.

 


 


Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:55pm
I think all those feelings are very normal. It is human nature to ask "Why, God?" It's God's nature not to always answer, but sometimes you do find out the answer at some point. Or maybe the question doesn't matter anymore eventually.

I was thinking of you and Sam today. A baby boy for whom I have been praying for a few months seems to have been miraculously healed. This little baby had a tumor that was inoperable and could be palpated under his skin. Two weeks ago, he was released from the hospital to die at home. . . but a few days after being released, at his regular appointment, the doctor could no longer feel the tumor. Tests indicate it is...gone. It does truly appear to be a miracle. Today was a day when his friends and family are fasting and praying that this miracle is "real," that it "takes" and isn't a temporary change. I joined with them, and added prayers for another baby with a life-threatening condition.

But I also ask why. . . why does God choose to glorify himself by a miracle in one instance, and glorify himself by testing and increasing faith by *not* providing miracles in other cases? We probably aren't going to know that answer. I don't know why my 4yo daughter was saved from dying of a tumor, while Vince Neil (yeah, the Motley Crue guy) lost *his* 4yo daughter to a tumor the year before. I do know that when my agnostic friend found out that I was praying and fasting today, he asked if he could go with me to church the next time I pray for these children - maybe that's something of a miracle in itself?

And, Carmen, you are certainly not the first person to have been unhappy over a pregnancy. I was most unhappy over my second pregnancy, and when my AFP test indicated Down Syndrome, I couldn't stop beating myself up over the fact that I had drunk a lot one night early in my pregnancy (obviously before I knew I was pregnant) and that I didn't really want to have a baby just then. She turned out not to have Down Syndrome, and I spent the rest of my pregnancy feeling guilty. I forgot about it until you mentioned it, but the guilt did kinda dog me.

Anyway. . . glad you have shared your feelings here. We are with you in prayer.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 6:22pm

ITA Kelly!

Avatar for ruthv
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 8:40am
When I was in high school we had a song in Glee Club that we sang called My Life is But a Weaving. Here are the words:

The Weaver

My life is but a weaving between my Lord and me.

I cannot see the colors; He worketh steadily.

Oft times he weaveth sorrow, and I in foolish pride

Forget He sees the upper, and I the underside.

Not till the looms are silent and the shuttles cease to fly

Shall God unroll the canvas and explain the reason why

The dark threads are as needful in the Weaver's skillful hand

As the threads of gold and silver in the pattern He has planned.

Ruth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:00am
Carmen, you can ask why all you want. One of the lessons I draw from Job is that it ok to question -- and that sometimes there are no answers -- or they aren't apparent at the time. You are turning to God with your questions, rather than away from him, and that is most important.

Please don't feel guilty. Many mothers have those moments. It is part of a hormonal response as well, so don't beat yourself up over it.

You mentioned feeling that God was telling you it would be o.k. I'm sure He was. Whatever happens, you can lean on Him. But I must tell you that I had a similar feeling before my niece's surgery for a brain tumor. I was praying, and suddenly I felt like God was telling me that everything would be o.k. A weight was lifted from my shoulders. The tumor was encapsulated, the doctors removed it (this was when she was 4) and she started college this year.

I'll keep Sam and Kira in my prayers.

Polly