daughter won't tell me why she

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
daughter won't tell me why she
15
Fri, 10-10-2008 - 12:26pm

went to the doctor without me!

I found out only because I found the appointment slip inside her jeans a week later. She won't tell me why she went to the doctor. She's 16. I've been suspecting that she may be having sex or considering it, with her boyfriend that I thought I liked very much. I think this is either for birth control or, God forbid, pregnancy. My province doesn't even have parental notification or consent laws, so for all I know, she was being refered for an abortion! I'm just sick about this. I feel as though I have a right to know if she's on birth control, and I should play a part in that decision.

WWYD? Help! She's absolutely refusing to tell me.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 1:04am

Welcome to Catholic Parenting!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-1997
Sat, 10-11-2008 - 10:07am
Hopefully it was not for an abortion or for birth control.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 1:12am

Yes, we're in Canada, and we have universal health care, so her visit was covered, as are all checkups. I wasn't compeletely aware she was allowed to go alone, but I guess at her age, they are.

Thanks for the welcome!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2005
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 1:14am
No, they will not tell me as apparently doctor-patient confidentiality extends to minors as well. And yes, here there's no need for parental involvement, notification or consent about things like abortion, STD testing and birth control perscription.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 9:58am

This was my fear.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-12-2008 - 12:50pm

That is true. If the patient asks the doctor not to tell their parents regarding birth control and STDs, the doctor is bound by law not to tell. Patient-doctor confidentiality is considered of utmost importance, and the only time that is broken is when it is a reportable CDC communicable disease, where others are at risk from casual contact, such as tuberculosis.

A place like Planned Parenthood would not report to an insurance company anyway. And if it were reported to an insurance company, a doctor could legitimately bill for a "physical" or "consult" and prescriptions such as contraceptives are not on that bill. Plus any doctor is licensed to give out free samples of birth control, as they are with any other prescription medication.

It would seem unlikely that your DD would have gone in just for a pregnancy test. She could buy an EPT for much cheaper than the cost of a doctor's visit at any pharmacy, and find out for herself. She could also buy condoms. An STD seems the most likely reason for such a secret visit, and again, she could either receive an antibiotic injection to cure her, or drug samples of antibiotics legally, without a prescription ever being written or recorded anywhere but her patient chart.

Regarding abortions---a regular primary care physician, or pediatrician, or emergency physician is not licensed to perform abortions. Even an OB/gyn does not usually perform abortions in his/her office unless there's a surgical center attached. Many OB/gyns are not abortionists. The doctor might have given your DD a referral for an abortion clinic, but she could have gotten that anywhere. It is unlikely that she went in to the doctor for her first visit and received an abortion, unless her appointment was with an abortion clinic. I hope this was not the case.

Welcome to the board, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your best bet is to try and find out through your daughter what's going on, but, sadly, there comes a point where we parents lose control a bit. I can totally understand why you're so upset. This is not an easy situation. My prayers are with both you and your daughter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2003
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 10:11am

Hey there, I am new to this board but I am a practising Catholic so I thought I would see what the issues are being faced by parents like me.

Firstly, to the person who responded that universal health care promotes the culture of death (or something to that matter), I respectfully disagree. A universal health care plan ensures that everyone has access to life saving procedures without the intervention of large health insurance conglomerates who dictate how medicine should be practiced and definitely ensures that the poorest of the poor get the same care as the rich. But this is not about universal health care at all -- this is about privacy laws.

Privacy laws here in Canada are even more stringent than in the US (we don't have the Patriot Act for example that allows government access to records). And they are meant to protect everyone. That doesn't mean that issues like this one don't fall through the cracks.

If you have a teenager who is seeing a doctor but will not tell you why, then that says that you need to work on your relationship with that teen. Perhaps they are afraid to upset you. Perhaps they are afraid of letting you down. Perhaps they are afraid of retribution. If you tell your child that you will love them unconditionally and help them no matter what, then that will allow them to open up to you. If you constantly hold up the mantle of "you cannot do this because it is forbidden and we cannot discuss it because it is forbidden" it just drives their actions underground. Take it from me, I was raised in a VERY strict family and I think it would cause my parents great pain, now, to know what I kept from them as a teenager.

Don't try to go around your teenager, that will just anger her. And you can't change the privacy laws and you can't force the doctor. TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTER and not as an angry parent but as someone who cares for her and wants to help her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 3:50pm

Hi, I'm in much the same situation as you are. I have a 16 yr old dd and have been having lots of problems with her. She has a boyfriend who I like too. I am sure they are sleeping together even though she refuses to discuss it. I took her to the doctor because she also suffers from bulimia (trust me that is hard to admit). I had a pregnancy test done on her because she hadn't had a period. Turns out she wasn't pregnant, and wasn't getting her period because she wasn't eating. She has an appt with a gyn Dr next week to jump-start her period with progeterone.


She sneaks around behind my back. She could easily get some STD and I would never know. Most of all I'm worried about the incurable ones like AIDS and herpes. I don't even know how many girls her boyfriend has been with even though I think he is only with her now, but who knows. I am 99% sure they are having sex. I brought my dd up with the strictest moral values. It didn't do any good.


As far as the doctor not releasing records that is a privacy issue and they are bound by law. Even when I've taken my dd to the doctors they have asked me to leave the room so they could get the truth out of her. Her primary care dr didn't do this and she refused to talk to him also, but another doctor, her therapist and nutritionist all have wanted to talk to her alone. I can understand the feeling of it is your right to know, but our daughters are also seperate people who do have a right to some privacy. I would like to know everything my dd is up to but I have come to see that I can't no matter how much I want to without violating her privacy and that is hard for me as her mother. I don't know where the line should be drawn but in the case of the medical establishment you have no choice ~ USA or Canada that is probably true almost everywhere. The best I can do is fnd her a good doctor who she trusts and who I also have a good raport with so that we can work as a team. I know the doctors have no choice. The hardest thing is to face that there is only so much you can do. I have cried many tears learning to let go and give her wings even if she is making wrong choices that I know my hurt her. All I can do is try to lead and guide and I am not good at restraining myself but am learning that it does no good to force the issue, at least not with my dd. At the end of the day I try and trust God with her everyday.


We are in the same boat and I will pray for you. YOu can email me through my user name if you want to talk more.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2005
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 4:13pm

How can you say that universal healthcare helps the culture of death? I respect you but I have to respectfully completely disagree with that statement. I don't understand how anyone could see it that way when 47 million people are uninsured in this country and 18 million die each year for lack of healthcare and many of those are employed. The way I see it is ~ Jesus practiced universal healthcare, lol. He healed everyone irregardless.


The church is pretty much strong on healthcare for everyone irregardless of income, employment, immigration status, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2008
Mon, 10-13-2008 - 7:18pm

Hi, it is possible she went to the doctor because of an infection or something she is too embarrssed to tell you about.


However, I have a suggestion, but it is

Kate
Wife to Andrew
Mom to Aidan (4) and Kieran (1)


 

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