An IRL Moral Q from DD12

Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
An IRL Moral Q from DD12
28
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 8:48pm

A young couple on our street are getting married soon.

 

 

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Registered: 08-26-2000
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 7:04am

I would have probably said that yes, it is wrong to be having sex outside of marriage (and we have already had that conversation many times, so that wouldn't be news), but that it was good that the mother didn't abort the baby and good that they were getting married now so the baby would have 2 parents living in the same house...or some such thing.

 


PJPIIadoration.jpg picture by Kimberly_sahm

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Registered: 04-02-2009
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 8:19am

DD12 nudges me adn asks,but isn't it wrong mom that they had the baby first?>>>>>>

My answer would be to tell my child that it's not the order God intended. It's best to be married first and then have children. but also be thankful that the baby was not aborted. And if your child knows enough about the birds&bees - it's not that it was wrong to have the baby, but it was wrong to have sex before marriage.

I can't say it's 'wrong' to have the baby first because that almost gives the impression that birth control or abortion would be justified - which it's not

Renee


Wife to Scott


Mom to: Madeleine, James, Abigail, Theresa & John

Renee


Wife to Scott


Mom to: Madeleine, James,

Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 9:45am

Thanks for your thoughtful answers.

 

 

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 12:52pm

I think you gave a great answer, Jeanne! I also agree that it would be good to reiterate that it was great that the baby wasn't aborted (If your DD knows about abortion). When I've discussed these things with my kids, I've also been very, very strong about not judging others. I always say stuff like: "We don't know their circumstances" or "It's up to God to figure out what is wrong in someone else's life, not us". At the same time, it's fine to tell your kids that you, your DH, and the Church believe that having sex before marriage is not the right thing to do.

Which actually brings me to another topic. I'm not trying to hijack the thread here, but my DH and I lived together before we got married. There are many pictures of us from that time. My kids know our past, have seen pictures of our apartment, our dog, and where DH attended medical school, etc. I'm sure at least my boys have figured out that we had sex prior to marriage. Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite when I push the "No sex before marriage thing" with my kids. So what I've basically said (To avoid questions, primarily) is that Michael and I feel sex goes with true love, commitment and marriage, and left it at that. I have avoided details, in order to avoid questions. My younger sister also lives with her boyfriend, and my kids know this. So far, I have artfully avoided getting in to detail about it and have ALWAYS stressed that we should not judge others--that "Judgement is the Lord's", but I figure eventually I'm going to have to confront this issue with all 4 of my kids.

Any suggestions??




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Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 5:20pm

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful anwer too,Sofia.


I think your own position would have been more awkward had you never married.

 

 

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Registered: 04-02-2009
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 5:33pm

tough one Sofia.....

when the boys are old enough to talk about such things (not sure how old they are) talk about God's way being the right way. And how even parents made mistakes and sinned in the past but that doesn't make it right..... and how you as their mother want what is best for them and waiting until marriage is best because God knows what is best even if we think we know better (keeping this in the back of my mind if kids ever ask about my past ... even though I lived with noone, I did go on spring break with a guy, etc etc)......

not sure if that helps or makes any sense

Renee


Wife to Scott


Mom to: Madeleine, James, Abigail, Theresa & John

Renee


Wife to Scott


Mom to: Madeleine, James,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 9:51am

That's a fine answer, but I think I would have said that God tells us we should marry first, not that it is just your belief.


I think sometimes people try to be non-judgmental, and end up sounding like relativists. There is a big difference between saying, "That is wrong" and saying "They are terrible people."


Polly

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Registered: 08-26-2000
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 9:51pm

<>


Yep...


I think we get so hung up in "not judging" that we lose sight of the fact that it IS acceptable to judge actions.

 


PJPIIadoration.jpg picture by Kimberly_sahm

Avatar for jamblessedthree
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Registered: 10-23-2001
Fri, 08-28-2009 - 7:47am

I get that.

 

 

Avatar for mahopac
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Registered: 07-24-1997
Mon, 08-31-2009 - 1:41pm

So much good advice given here! I have no advice to add to it, just a couple of semi-related thoughts.

My extended family is not more complicated than most people's, but out of my ENTIRE extended family - parents, siblings, aunts & uncles, cousins, etc. - DH & I are the only ones who married in a Catholic church before having children and are still married. That makes us the "good example," I guess. However, I know that a lot of that is just happenstance: DH received all his Catholic sacraments so we *could* get married in a Catholic church, but I didn't specifically seek out a Catholic husband; I just happened to fall in love with someone who "qualified" to be married by a fairly liberal priest who didn't mind that we lived together, and we used birth control pills until we were ready to have kids. DH also turned out to be a much better person than any of my sisters' choices of first (and sometimes second) husbands.

Bottom line: I don't think we're winning any morality medals here just because we're fortunate and compatible.

I admit to having a lot of unresolved feelings about how to raise Catholic kids with Catholic morality. It would be hard to preach about not having sex before marriage when DH and I obviously lived together. My kids do know that abortion is wrong and promiscuity is bad for you, but we've never talked about birth control. And I disagree with the Church's position on gay marriage, which is especially hard for me personally to swallow since at least one of my kids is gay or bisexual (still figuring that out). Preaching complete, perpetual abstinence to someone who's in love with someone of the same sex is beyond my ability at this point. I've tried to walk the middle ground of pointing out that government is "of the people, by the people, and for the people," but that churches have the right and the obligation to speak what they believe is the truth. And then I hope that I've taught my kids how to be safe and respectful of themselves and others, and are intelligent enough to make the right decisions for themselves, because as adults their faith will be their own, not mine.

Not trying to be controversial here, but I am finding that many of the issues that I thought were going to be fairly straightforward when I was a younger mother are no longer so clearcut now that I have older teens.

Kelly

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