5yr soon-to-be stepdaughter

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
5yr soon-to-be stepdaughter
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 2:29pm

Hi, I am new to this board and I came to get some advice on my problem. I am engaged to a wonderful man who happens to have a 5 year old daughter. He told me right up front that he had a daughter and at first I was a little concerned, but I've grown to love her very much. Her BM isn't in the picture much. She comes down about once a month to visit, but she would rather be spending time with her new husband. Okay, here's the problem. My fiance and his ex were living with his parents the whole time after the baby was born. Therefore, his parents got very attached to her and have kind of taken over the parenting role. My fiance doesn't want to hurt their feelings so he let's them do what ever they want. Plus, they have helped a great deal financially early on. She was born 4 months early and incurred a lot of health expenses.

They have made her one of the most spoiled children I've ever seen in my life. She constantly throws tantrums to get her way, she whines about everything, and hates to share any of her toys with other children. She does good around me, but that's because I make her listen, they don't. They make the excuse that because she had so many health problems at birth, that they don't have the heart to correct her. They don't see this is doing more harm than good.

She was just recently potty trained because they wouldn't take the time to teach her earlier. She still sleeps in the same bed as his parents. She tells them what she will and won't eat, wear, drink, etc. I have to bite my tongue so much because I don't feel it's my place to say anything. I am not her step-mother yet, but even if I was, I'm not sure where I should step in. I don't know if anyone has ever been in this situation before or not. Once we move into our house, I am hoping my BF brings the daughter with him so we can try and lay down some rules and some consistancy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Sat, 06-30-2007 - 11:34am
I read your post and truly, my heart goes out to you.
I have been there and done it with stepdaughters.
My advise to you is to maintain a strong relationship with your fiance/husband and make sure he is on board in the parenting arena. You need to both be consistant in how you handle his daughter. She will fight it at first, but when you stick together, it will work wonders. I would also tell his parents to step back and let you create your own family.
I wish you the very best of luck.