Back from my trip--here's how it went

Avatar for limute
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Back from my trip--here's how it went
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Fri, 05-16-2003 - 10:30am
I *think* our trip to FL helped my FIL. It did not help me or DH, though! I should mention that my ILs were always picky, complainy, inflexible people even before this, so it's only gotten worse. Sharing a car for a 23-hour drive was no picnic, and when we got down, the kids were completely out of sorts, cranky, and not sleeping (waking up at night, getting up painfully early, not napping). And...DH and my ILs wanted nothing to do with the kids! So it was up to me alone to watch them both, in this extremely unchildproofed home filled with knick-knacks and ALL WHITE upholstry and carpeting! All I asked was to be able to go for a run in the morning. One time, I thought the kids were still asleep and DH was up, so I slipped out for a jog. When I come back, the ILs are furious at me--both kids got up and I wasn't there. My FIL goes on and on about "WHAT, do you think we are your personal SERVANTS?!!!" even after I apologize and say I thought they were asleep and DH was up (he was, but hid in the bedroom for 20 minutes--and no one said BOO about that). Did I mention FIL's always been kind of a JERK?!?!?!?!

DH was at his crankiest, very testy and mad just about the whole trip. Luckily, my parents arrived and helped out a lot with the kids. Then the ILs started criticizing me for letting my parents help TOO much with watching the kids, that I should be doing more with the kids instead of having my mom play with them. My mom kept saying that's the whole reason she came, so she could spend time with the kids! My parents and I took the kids out by ourselves all the time--the park, the beach, etc.

The drive back was sheer hell. After our stay at the hotel, they refused to feed the kids breakfast or let me do it (they stood and watched DH and I reload the car, then me reattach the bike rack and all). They INSISTED we drive immediately, and we'd eat an early lunch. So the kids cried and begged for food for nearly 2.5 hours straight, while I tried to placate them with potato chips--all we had in the car, and my ILs getting mad at ME because the kids are so upset--even though I say "Well DUH they need to eat". Then FIL (who's been sniping at DH the entire drive) turns and said "Stop the g-damn car, what the hell do you think, your mom can go this long without using the bathroom?!?!?!" and so on. I got very mad at that--he couldn't care less about the children, but grandma needs a bathroom break.

And, I should add, that FIL insisted on listening to his classical music really loud (making the kids cry) until I asked DH to get off anywhere we saw a Walmart and I bought headphones for him so the kids didn't have to be tortured anymore.

I was never so happy to be home again.

Oh yea, and not once did they thank us for making the trip. Or paying for the hotel and meals on the way down and tons of other stuff for them.

The ILs did get to go out, see friends, play golf, swim, etc. I just wish they could've been nicer to their son and grandkids in between socializing. FIL interacted so little with the kids I barely got any video or pictures of them together. Now my FIL says he wants us all to go again. I said NO!

~ Limute

Three by the Sea

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Avatar for animalcrackers2
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:00am
Hi limute, sorry I haven't be around in awhile, but I've had a heck of a time getting on the board, don't know what the problem is. Anyway I'm sorry your trip was so terrible and regardless of your FIL's health I agree that I wouldn't do it again either. I'm sorry your all going through this hard time, but the reality is some people just aren't easy to be around when they are healthy or sick.

Hugs....

Dana

Avatar for sparkysmom97
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 05-17-2003 - 12:26am
That just sucks, Limute. I'm so sorry. I don't understand ungrateful people. Here he's given this great opportunity to really spend some meaningful time and he acts so selfish...for that matter both of them. He doesn't even know if he'll have another opportunity...I mean he really doesn't know, KWIM?

I'm glad you're home too and don't put yourself or your children thru that again. DH needs to examine the whole trip and take some of the responsibility for the tenuous time had by all.

{{{{{H U G S}}}}}

Karen

Sparks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 9:14am
I am sorry the trip was so miserable for you and your family.

Amy

Amy, Mom to Shelby (5/97) & Emily (4/01)

Avatar for kansascity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 9:59am
I am SO SORRY your trip ended up like this, Limute. I honestly thought it was going to be something that you all would enjoy and have fond memories. I feel so badly for you and all you're going through. What's your DH saying about this trip and how it went?

I read your post over the weekend, but really didn't know how to respond. I was just so angry and your FIL - and DH. Because, Limute, I care about you and you can't continue live and be treated this way. I even told my DH about it and asked him what he would do. He said he would ask your FIL if this is how he wants to be remembered. Did your FIL act this way before his cancer?

I don't know. It's not a healthy relationship for you or your kids. I honestly would seriously consider talking with your DH and then having him talk with his father about the way he is acting. Is this the way he wants to be remembered?

Take care of yourself, Limute. You sound like the kind of person who wants to "keep the peace". But at what cost to you and your kids? Have you talked to your Rabbi??

Kathy

Avatar for ang2gals
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 10:11am
Sorry your trip sucked rocks - our long drives w/the kids are no picnic but I can't imagine doing it w/ILs that are just like having 2 more kids. IYAH! Anyhoo, kudos for you for biting your tongue & being the model *wink* DIL.

-- Ang

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Avatar for limute
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:20pm
Thanks, yea I think the cancer is making my FIL even grouchier than before (he's never been a picnic, so it's a lot harder now). I've already told them that I can't take off anymore and go down again.

~ Limute

Three by the Sea

Avatar for limute
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:23pm
Thanks. I couldn't understand either why they didn't do more with the kids. I mean, since we've been back, FIL saw the kids only once--and they live next door! All I can say is, at least my parents go out of their way to do lots of stuff with the kids, even if they live an hour away.

~ Limute

Three by the Sea

Avatar for limute
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:25pm
Thanks....and I like the panda icon with your name! That's cute.

~ Limute

Three by the Sea

Avatar for limute
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:38pm
Thanks, Kathy, I really appreciate your post. You know, I was planning on talking to the Rabbi, because I know if there is anyone that FIL will listen to, it's him. He certainly won't listen to me! I was just thinking this weekend how does FIL want himself to be remembered, especially by his grandkids. I know my older son will have plenty of memories about him..but at this rate, he'll remember only a grouch, not a grandpa who did fun things with him or even hugged him. I mean, he was always a little rude and grumpy, but it's been so much worse with the illness. My DH blames it all on the medicine and treatments...but how often can he make excuses for his dad's behavior?

I have a few doctors appts this week, and I was going to ask if they could recommend counselors or therapists or SOMETHING. I know that it can't continue like this because we are all miserable, the kids are clearly reacting to the tension and bad situation and for everyone's health, it can't go on as it is. My DH is on edge and nearly falling apart as it is. And while I want to keep the peace, I hate to be miserable and see my children be unhappy too! I'm not going to get my ILs to act differently..and DH is so obedient towards them, he won't act differently towards them, either. I just have to figure out what I can do myself, and for my kids. DH acts so miserably most of the time now that it's almost useless to talk reasonably with him (his own doctor has asked him twice to start taking anti-depressants but he refuses).

~ Limute

Three by the Sea

Avatar for limute
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 1:40pm
Thanks...long drives are never fun with kids! And the ILs are like kids who are too big to pick up and carry when they don't listen...and you can't put them into "time outs" either!

~ Limute

Three by the Sea

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