DD vs DS

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
DD vs DS
6
Tue, 05-27-2008 - 9:47pm

i share custody of my 5 yr old DD with my ex.... so i am very careful HOW i discipline her! -- our DS is 2 1/2 yr old and my hubby and i spank him and do timeouts in his room...
DD gets so upset by this. she says she doesnt get spanked so why should DS???
she cried every time we put him on timeout and says "i want my brother!!"

i explained to her that i share her with her dad, so i have to deal with her differently than i would our other children... she is a smarty, but i am not sure she understands.

any suggestions?!?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: wantingthe3rd
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 10:53am

How do you discipline your dd?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2008
In reply to: wantingthe3rd
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 12:06pm
I agree with Dawn. Discipline should be the same for every child regardless of the custody situation. Time-outs and redirection worked great with all of my kids at this age.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: wantingthe3rd
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 12:19pm

discipline with DS is different because he doesnt respond to the techniques we use with DD.
he doesnt get spanked for hitting or biting or anything like that! he doesnt do that stuff.
he gets a swat on the (diaper covered) bum - for stuff like getting into the garbage, taking all the clothes out of his dresser, etc..........
DD gets put in the corner, but never never spanked for any reason. I dont need to give my Ex more excuses to take her from me.
i wasn't asking for advice on how to discipline them -- i need to know how to make DD comfortable with the differences... ??????????

crystal

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: wantingthe3rd
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 12:58pm

I don't think you can explain it so she thinks its okay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2005
In reply to: wantingthe3rd
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 1:05pm

Despite being an occasional spanker myself, and despite having children who sometimes need to be disciplined differently, I honestly agree with the others. It will be difficult to make your dd comfortable with the stark differences in the way you discipline your children because the differences create inequality. The older your kids get and the more they see that they are treated differently, the more they will FEEL the inequality and wonder whether you like one or the other child better or whether one child is worse, etc. The kids can also use it to torment each other when they're older ("mommy likes me better, that's why she never spanks me!").

It could actually even backfire on you if your dd makes a big deal to her daddy that you treat her "differently" than her brother, even if that difference is intended to be better, esp when it causes bewilderment and confusion for your dd.

The time outs you're using with your ds already are good. If dd cries for her brother, you can explain that you miss him, too, when he's in time-out, but you love him so much that you want to teach him how to make good choices. When he's done with his time out, your dd and you can both show ds lots of love (reinforcing that it's better to NOT be in time outs).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: wantingthe3rd
Wed, 05-28-2008 - 7:47pm

""The time outs you're using with your ds already are good. If dd cries for her brother, you can explain that you miss him, too, when he's in time-out, but you love him so much that you want to teach him how to make good choices. When he's done with his time out, your dd and you can both show ds lots of love (reinforcing that it's better to NOT be in time outs).""

that is a good idea... i dont know why i never thought of that?? i have just been telling her he got into trouble and she says she doesnt want him to be in trouble... so we will have to test it out and see. i bet she would do better with that...

thanks.