I feel so bad for my son

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
I feel so bad for my son
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:26am
Hi, I'm new here and so desperate for advice/kind words right now.

My 5 yr old son is in a preschool and this week, this girl from his class had a birthday party. And her mom told me she refused to invite my son to her b'day party. So he was the only child from his class who wasn't invited. I spoke to his teacher and it seems there isn't any apparent problem between my son and that girl. They play together sometimes and do things together like drawing.

There are seven kids in his class. Some of them play together after school. I was invited once but couldn't go. And they never invited back and I never thought I needed to get my son playdates with his school friends. My son is very outgoing and loves to play with any kids. And he has friends he usually plays with after school. So I was never worried.

But now almost at the end of school year, it looks like my son became kind of a loner in his class. He enjoys school and other kids - except for that girl - are happy to see him in the morning. But he doesn't share that 'deeper friendship' with anyone because it looks like we have never been playing outside school.

School is almost over. Should I wait until fall when he starts his kindergarten to give him new start on friendship by giving him more opportunities by more playdates with his school friends? What should I do? I feel like it's all my fault because I didn't give him chances to play with his school friends outside school.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 11:59am
Oh, my gosh, the first thing I'd like to do is smack the mother that told you that! I can tell you, if it were my kid, the girl wouldn't have been HAVING a birthday party if she made a point of excluding a kid like she apparently did to yours. Secondly, I don't think there's anything wrong in what you've been doing, and that you don't need to be beating yourself up over this even a little bit. Kids at this age need to know how to get along with others, and it certainly sounds like your son does, but there's nothing wrong with a 5 YO not having a deep meaningful relationship with one or two kids in particular. You are right that having at-home playdates can help kids get to know each other better and that your son might enjoy that, but he's certainly not going to be scarred for life or something that you haven't been doing that so far.

One thing you didn't mention - how does he feel? Is he lonely or unhappy, or does he just enjoy having his own personal space sometimes? There certainly is a big difference! If he'd like to have kids over, and that's fine with you, by all means, do that, even this spring/summer, but I wouldn't worry about it much if he doesn't.

Good luck, and welcome!


Avatar for limute
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 12:12pm
I agree...I think it's crazy that the other mom let her DD do that, and then told you about it! Really, it's the other mom's fault about your son not being invited. Really, what is she teaching that little girl--that's it ok to be mean?

At this age, you don't have to be all that worried about deeper friendships. Believe me, these kids will all start at different kindergartens and soon forget about each other. Since the school year is almost over, I wouldn't worry about it---especially since you said he plays with other kids after school. Don't beat yourself up--you didn't do anything wrong.

Next year, you can arrange some playdates with the kids from his K-class. Ask him if there's anyone he wants over, for example. The deeper friendships will come as he gets older...right now they are too young for it.

~ Limute

Three by the Sea

Avatar for kansascity
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 12:26pm
I SO agree with what the others said. The mother handled things very poorly - from letting her DD get away with it AND for telling you. What was she thinking??!!

With DD's bday coming up, I "worry" about how to handle invitations. There are girls in her K class that she doesn't want to invite (and that's fine) and there are girls in her after school care that she doesn't want to invite. She also says she doesn't want to invite any boys. I too think that is fine. The thing I worry about is giving out invitations at school and some of the kids see that they don't get one. I've seen that happen before and I don't like it. I guess I just need to find out everyone's home address.

Take care and give that boy a hug. I'm sure he'll get over it very quickly. And next year hopefully you can plan some playdates. And, BTW, we have never had any "playdates" at our house - or been invited to any. DD regularly invites one little girl over (and she goes over to her house too) and goes to bday parties.

Kathy, Alexandra (6/19/97) and Christian (12/22/99)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 2:17pm
Thank you so much for your kind words.

Yesterday at another kid's b'day party, I noticed that whenever my son talked to that girl, she totally ignored him without a word. But it seems like my son doesn't understand this situation with her. He just turned around and was happy again.

All he talks about is how glad he is to have his friends at school and how much he likes them.

i guess I don't need to worry about that girl/her mom any more.

Thank you so much. I feel so relieved now.

You guys are just GREAT!!!

Thanks again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 05-22-2003 - 9:27pm
I just wanted to extend a welcome to you! It's absolutely crazy how some people lack decent social skills. Who wants their kids associating with someone who has that kind of behavior as a role model? KWIM??

Also, I think it's great that you continue his social life outside of school!!! That is so important and many families don't realize that. It is so important to keep the social scen a BROAD horizon! It shows kids that they can have many different kids of relationships, and that everywhere they go is potential for newness and kindness in friends from everywhere!

Hats off to you for doing such a great job with your son! He is obviously a very happy child who is secure enough not to worry about others' insecurities or opinions. After all, he's got so many to choose from, thatnks to great parents! Great job, mommy!

Welcome, again!

Janet =)

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Avatar for boymeetsgirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 6:23pm
At most schools, if all kids in the class are not invited, they prefer that you do not give invitations out at school. I can't help but wonder why she would omit your son, strange that it would just be for him not attending an after school play group. If your son is not bothered by it, I wouldn't worry too much. He seems to be doing great, and does have friends outside of school so I wouldn't be overly concerned.