Need some space from friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Need some space from friend
7
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 8:36pm

I have posted before about my shy 5 year old. She has one neighborhood friend that she adores. But she has become so dependant on this child. I have tried to get her to make other friends but she never "clicks" with anyone else. I do not want her to lose this little girl as a friend, but her mom is driving me crazy. If she finds out I am thinking of enrolling my daughter in something like dance or gymnastics, she wants to enroll her daughter in the same class. She wants to know what church and service time we go to so she can go and put her child in the same class as mine. We told her we wanted to do swim lessons this summer and of course she wants to stick her daughter with mine. She wants to do everything with us all the time. This is not good because if we agree, my daughter will continue to use her child as a security blanket and never make new friends. I recently enrolled my daughter in a gymnastics class (we have not started yet) and I find myself trying to hide it from the mother. She also questions my daughter about things and gets info that way. I don't want my daughter to lose this girl as a friend because she loves her so much. But this is suffocating! Also, this other little girl has a ton of friends so I just don't get why they need to horn in on all our activities. WHAT TO DO?

Melanie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2005
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:58am

If you are on friendly terms with the mother I would talk about how shy your daughter is and explain that

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 1:37pm

Tough situation and I've sort of been there. No real advice - just hugs. Only... just be really careful because you never know what little gentle comment could really sting your friend and make things very awkward between you - and then you are stuck seeing her at all those things she signed up for with you.

I think I would just try to invite other little girls from these events home for playdates. Try to get to know the other moms while you are there watching your daughters and invite one or two other girls to join you and your friend on a group playdate. Then maybe invite one of the girls back for a one on one with your daughter - or better, yet - make plans to meet one of them some place else, so that the neighbor doesn't invite herself over to join in.

Good luck,

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 8:53pm
Yes, you are correct the mom would invite herself to join us. And she seems to get jealous when I talk about meeting up with other people. She wants herself and her daughter to have lots of friends, but likes the fact my daughter depends so much on her daughter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:52pm

I think this might be one of those situations where you have to recognize what is your problem and what is her problem. If she seems to want you to only hang out with her, well that is her problem not yours. You can be kind. You can be sensitive - especially because your daughters are such good friends. But there is no reason to feel like you have to limit yourself socially or treat her any differently then you would treat any other (normal!) friend. :)

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:06pm
I know. Your right. I just hate to tick her off too much because my child is so attached to hers. And if that got taken away, my daughter would basically have no friends. At least none she cared about too much. I am trying like mad to find someone else she "clicks" with. But so far, no one does. I just don't get it. My daughter is very shy so that is much of the problem. But with her best friend in the picture at every activity, she won't pay attention to any other kid anyway! But I won't give up!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 11:47am

Do you think that once she saw that you weren't going to desert her (or her daughter) for other kids that she might relax a little? The way she is acting makes me wonder if she had some issues with friends leaving her high and dry when she was a kid. I know that I used to really REALLY worry that my son was going to be bullied in school because I was bullied. And I couldn't stand the thought of him going through that. Maybe something similar is in her past.

I don't know if you want to do this, but what if you suggested to your friend that since summer is here you two figure out a set weekly playdate? You could ... say... agree on Monday morning from nine to noon, and alternate houses. So on one Monday, you could go run errands while the girls play at your friend's house and the next Monday, she could have time to herself while the girls play at your house. That way, she knows that you two have long-standing plans and maybe she won't feel so needy.

Just a thought... :)

Susan

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 8:02pm
What's weird is she has many other friends. She probably has more than me. She gets together with someone every single day. But it's like she does not want US to have other friends (me and my daughter.) Strange, huh?