someone threatened to beat my son

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2006
someone threatened to beat my son
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 3:15am

I sent my boy to the kindergarten when he was 3y/o.He enjoyed the life there ,never cried because of not seeing us. He is very independent ,likes to help the teachers to do things; likes to play with other kids. But if he saw them playing toys ,he definitely will grab it by pushing or biting the kids. Several kids been bitten one or twice by him during the last semester. Those parents complained to the teacher but none of them shouted me face to face. Ps , I never spoiled him too much , never beat him because of his biting habit. I kept explaining to him how bad to bite others, if he keep doing this , nobody will play with him any more, he’ll not allow to go to the school, ect. Normally I have to keep telling him “ look at me ,I am talking to you.” Because most of the time he wouldn’t listen, still playing his toys, or sometimes he will give me a kiss and back to his games, but no matter how anxious /angry I showed to him, he just doesn’t care /forgot, and do it again the next day. Fortunately this semester he is making a big progress – haven’t bite any body till now one month. But few days ago, he scratched a boy left a mark not a deep one about 1cm long on his face. The boy’s mom rang the teacher that night about 23:30 pm asked for my number ,The teacher was half awake couldn’t find it and she doesn’t want to give it to her. But I think it’s better I talk to the mom on the phone( she rarely go to the school). So she got my number and rang me straight away : You son bit my son once and now he scratched his face .I couldn’t forgive him. If he hurt my son again, I’ll go to the kindergarten to beat him! And you should beat your son so he will remember don’t hurt anybody any more! Then she hung up. During the phone call I tried to explain I understand how she feels and I’ve been trying to help my son to be nice but she won’t give me a chance to talk. Now what should I do with this 4 y/o naughty and the angry mom?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2008
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 11:40am

Talk to the school. She has no right to talk to you that way and to threaten to hurt your son is unacceptable. You need to make sure that this mom is safe and can be allowed at school.
That being said you need to talk to the teacher and come up with some way to work with your son and stop the biting. At home there needs to be consequences for hurting but hurting him is not one of them. Separation, helping the injured party, missing a family activity because he is not being safe.... Work with him on using his words when he is frustrated. Even set up situations at home. If you are playing with him and he grabs your toy. Do not give it right away. Tell him that you are using it but he can ask to use it when you are done. Have him ask and wait just a bit then give it to him. He will learn that his words got him what he wanted. NEVER give him what he wants if he is hurting.

Again go to the school that mom was OUT OF LINE!!!!!

If you would like more help coming up with strategies to help your son use words instead of teeth feel free contact me. I offer a complementary 30 minute 1/2 Parent Coaching Call.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2008
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 6:51pm

She's frustrated and angry. She vented and she vented on you. You know what, if I were her I'd be angry too. I would view it as blowing off steam unless you have real reason to believe she would hurt your child. Maybe, rightly or wrongly, she's tired of the school not dealing with things in a way that stops her child getting hurt. Maybe this was the last straw in a situation you may not know anything about where her child is getting hurt a lot or being bullied. Or maybe your child is doing other things to her child but because they don't result in marks they aren't getting taken seriously.

Call the school and get a conference set up. You, her, teacher, principal and when you've ironed things out the kids need to be involved. What is being done isn't working if your child is still acting out. He needs to have some consequences for what he's doing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 2:34pm

It was not appropriate that she vented in that way to you. She's an adult. That does not in any way excuse what your son has done. Yes it is age appropriate behavior but it is behavior that needs to be monitored and stopped. He needs to learn other ways to express his frustrations. I would talk to the school about her threat. I would tell them I do not want her near my child because she has threatened to hurt him. I am not happy with what my son has done and we are trying to work on putting a stop to it, but I don't appreciate being called up, yelled at, and then having her threaten to hurt my child. Children don't stop biting because they have gotten spanked. Very few kids this young are able to control their impulse control long enough to remember that if they bite they will get spanked (usually hours later if it happened at school). That is why teaching them other ways to express their frustrations works.

My son was bitten twice by the same child at preschool. The second time one of the teachers was shadowing this boy and was between my son and the child who bit him. Another child fell and everyone in the class turned towards the noise except for the little kid; he leaned over and bite Philip because he wanted the toy Philip had and wasn't able to communicate that desire with words. His mother called me that night to apologize and to check on my son. That went a long way to making me feel like they were working on helping their child stop this behavior.

The school needs to be addressing this. They need to be shadowing him, helping to watch for triggers and intervening before he even tries to bite. At home, work with him to learn to ask for a toy rather than grabbing it. Teach him/show him what he can do if they don't want to give up the toy yet. You can't just tell him, role playing, acting it out is going to help reinforce that he has other options -- better options. Its okay to be mad and upset, its not okay to hit, bite, kick throw things. Basically he needs to learn better way of expressing himself when he's upset about not getting a toy that he wants to play with.

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