Unrealistic expectations on my behalf? M
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|Sat, 05-24-2003 - 7:26pm|
Tre and I just got back from grocery shopping when he saw a little boy (who is graduating the first grade this year) that he likes. The boy asked if Tre could come to his house to play. I said yes, because his dad works with my husband, and I believe they are "safe" in terms of playing inside and mom being home. This is the deal....every time I think I'll try him going to someone's house, he ends up having problems. I mean, not just play problems, but real issues. He gets hurt, physically. Well, today he didn't get hurt. He had a problem with the son. Tre claims that the boy didn't give him his turn with a toy that Tre brought. Mom heard the arguement, and asked what was going on. She told me that she asked Tre to share his toy and Tre got angry with her. She then said that she told him "Well, if you don't share your toys, *** won't either." I guess Tre was crying and she told him "In this house we don't cry, we use our words." They worked it out after a while and things were fine, is what I was told. Tre didn't appear upset at the time I came to get him so I was OK. We were going to talk about sharing and waiting turns, and being respectful to adults, PERIOD. I did that because those are things I want Tre to work on anyway, but "I" have several issues and I need your input.
I have a problem with what she said to him. If you don't share, he won't either??? Is that not a bit immature? I would have called the mom and said, "I think Tre is ready to come home. He brought a toy that he wants to keep to himself right now." OR I would have taken the toy because it is causing a problem. If the child got mad, he's going home. I wouldn't go the "no sharing" route. Am I wrong here??? I know Tre is my son but isn't that a bit much for trying to encourage resolution?
I also have a problem with what I see, which is their son hitting and pushing quite a bit. I don't encourage that. I don't know if they do or don't but I know they don't let their son cry, because it's a sissy thing. (Tough guy thing???) I am bothered by that but it's their son, right? When she told Tre, we don't cry here, I feel that was a message I don't want Tre getting.
In all honesty, Tre is younger than this boy. I mean, he is going to second grade, expereiced with "bigger boys" and school, while Tre is just going into Kinder this fall. (He does have PREK experiences.) I think they just don't click. The problem is when we are together, and we do because the two men work together, I just don't like the interaction between the boys. Not all of the time, but sometime. It's just no thte type of interaction I want Tre around on a steady basis. To me, it seems like they think it's "boy stuff" or "kids will be kids." I disagree. It is appearing to be a bully promoting environment.
So my question is this. Am I so far off?? I expect a family to speak appropriately to my son. I know everyone has their owm preferences, but how do you keep the styles separate?Tre was wrong in this scenario, I'm not hiding that. Like I said, we discussed that. I am just discouraged because it seems like I can't find other moms who feel like I do other than on this board! So many moms I have met with kids around Tre's age are either hover mothers or boarderline neglectful. I know in Kindergarten we'll have more opportunities, but for now are we doomed?? These moms let their kids run from house to house, which is against my cultural beliefs. I mean, it is one thing to call and plan it than to have your kids show up at the door all hours of the day and night unsupervised at the ages of 5 and 6. I don't know how to handle differences when Tre is at someone else's house. I still depend on adults to "help" children solve their problems. Not do it for them, but guide them by at least having each listen to the other. How do you all deal with this kind of thing? Should I talk with this mom and tell her how we resolve issues? I mean, she's seen me enough now with him to know how I do things. They are always asking for Tre to come and play with their son, so I'm thinking they're not turned off by my parenting style. Do you allow your kids to go to other houses without you? How long and how much do you have to "know" a person before you allow that? I feel like I want to get to know people better but in this military environment Tre is losing out on playdates because I seem to be the only mom who is concerned about this kind of thing. What do you all think? Any advice? I welcome all opinions, but be gentle....I'm fragile right now, in all honesty.
A saddened and discouraged Janet, mom to a fabulous 5.8 y.o. Tre (most of the time *wink*)