Whining and embarrassing child

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2003
Whining and embarrassing child
4
Sun, 09-06-2009 - 5:01pm

I haven't posted on these boards since my daughter was a tiny peanut in my belly but I am at my wits end and don't know what else to do.

My daughter is beautiful, smart, the sweetest most precocious thing you've ever seen. BUT, she can also be loud, whining, overbearing and down right embarrassing in public. I'm afraid other kids aren't going to like her in school, (she just entered kindergarten), because you try to tell her what she is doing is going to make others pull away from her but she just doesn't get it.

With her friends, she can be down right clingy. With me, she pushes and pushes and pushes until I lose my mind. Today we went to a local festival, and when she couldn't go on the rides first thing, (we wanted to make a loop through the booths and then go to the rides, she begins the whining routine. She whines and whines and whines until we can't think straight. We did our loop and she behaved pretty well. But then we had her on this one ride, and i went to stand in the shade, but she couldn't see me, so she whines, (not in a normal tone of voice,) "maauummmy, go stand where i can see you" She was so loud and so whiny i almost walked away because i was too embarrassed to respond. I stayed where i was until I could see her and then told her she could see me fine. By this point i am totally worn down, we go to the bathrooms because she needed to go, then when we get there she says she doesn't need to go, so i told her to stand there while I went. While I'm going, she starts whining again, "maauummmy, I need to go to the bathroom" by then I'm nuts so I yell, yes, with others in the bathroom, "then find a god XXXX toilet and use it." She gets me in such an anxious mess that I right out embarrass myself.

How am i going to stop this whining and loudness before I ruin her self esteem by my failure to deal with her constructively or she winds up having no friends because she is so annoying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 9:25pm
My mom says you have to find what motivates them. What works for one is not going to work for another. My brother was a very difficult child to control because once he was determined to do something he was going to do it no matter what the cost was. Spanking him, putting him in his room, taking away toys didn't work at all. Then when he was about 5 my parents discovered that he would do anything they wanted just to avoid not being allowed to play sports. He didn't turn into an angel overnight but he would give up on things he wouldn't have in the past just so he could go to t-ball practice/play in the game. It took my parents longer to realize I thrived on adult approval so saying something as simple as "I'm disappointed that you made that choice" worked much better than grounding or spanking. Those two things just made me mad and resentful, hearing I'd disappointed them had me looking for ways not to make the same mistake again.




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-05-2009 - 9:16pm

Being consistent and letting her have a melt down in public are the only way you are going to let her see that she can't get what she wants when she whines. Doesn't stop the whining completely but it does lessen how often they happen as well as the intensity and the length when they do occur.

I was telling Lindsay's teacher that with my son I was exhausted. He has a lot of energy and was always on the go when he was younger. With Lindsay I was always waiting for her to fall apart or throw a fit about something or someone. You really never knew what was going to set her off. Since she was loud and dramatic she always drew everyone's attention whenever she melted down. I was jumpy and just knew she would fall apart some how when we were out. This was despite being consistent about expectations and how we handled the melt downs. What I found with her was that I have to talk to her about what I expect (already did but with Lindsay I have to stress it again and again) and what will happen if she falls apart. We also went over how she could use her words to express herself when she was upset and then we developed ways to make her laugh so she would get over being angry/upset quicker. She didn't get what she wanted but we wanted to move past the melt downs and not have them color our whole day. We talked about how we feel when things don't go our way. We talk about how we handle mistakes; we want her to see that it is okay to make mistakes and that everyone makes them. We talk about accepting help when we need it, something she is not very good at because for the longest time she has believed that only babies need help. Because she believes this we have talked to her ways to turn down help politely. Since she started Kindergarten last year she has gotten a lot better about it but it is still a work in progress.

I will tell you that it has been my experience that Kindergartners are very willing to give people second, third and even fourth chances. Have you talked to her teachers about this? They might have some additional suggestions and tips for you.




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2009
Tue, 09-15-2009 - 8:28am

I'm glas to know there is someone else going through this!!!!!! I understand your pain. I have a 4 year old daughter who just start pre-K at school (it's a half day program held in conjunction with the Kindergarten class) and everything that doesn't go her way is met with tears and drama.


I have tried all the techiniques of dealing with all of the temper tantrum issues, and sometimes they seem to work, sometimes they don't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Tue, 09-08-2009 - 10:48pm

This isn't exactly a full blown temper tantrum, but you could handle it the same way and it would be very effective. Try the tips in this article.http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2068269/handling_temper_tantrums.html?cat=25


You do have to be willing to let her make a scene or put up with the whining without giving in. Unfortunately, you are conditioning her that she will get her way when she whines. Good luck. Terror