Question from kidless person

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Question from kidless person
18
Fri, 06-24-2011 - 11:57am

Hi, hope you guys can help.

I'm childfree by choice.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Fri, 06-24-2011 - 1:23pm

Hi there!

Welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Fri, 06-24-2011 - 1:38pm

Thanks so much!!!!!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Mon, 06-27-2011 - 8:02am
You're very welcome! Did you watch them over the weekend? If so, how did it go?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Mon, 08-08-2011 - 11:38am
Hi everyone! I forgot to come back! The day went well, but was EXHAUSTING. I don't know how all of you do it. We kept them very busy and not once did they ask for video games. They went to bed a-ok as we tired them out! We watched them another time after that - and then had two issues...

I'm hoping you all can chime in. Now...I'm really wanting to hear your honest opinion as maybe it'll give me a different perspective.

My mom came to visit one weekend, we noted that it was not our time to watch the kids. But then niece calls to say, oh, mom (my husband's sister) said it was your turn so I'll be by! We told her, no, it's not our day, and my mother and brothers are all here out of town visiting. Chaos erupted and my husband's sister sent a nasty gram via text.

On to the next time we are to watch them. Niece calls and says they are sick, all have colds. Well, we are leaving the country in a week for a vacation we've been waiting on for six mos. More chaos and guilt and sadness and tears, as she has to call off work to stay home with them.

My view is that there is no way we should have taken them in, we'd be sick right when we left for vacation! I felt like there was some guilt tactic in there, "I might lose my job." And while I feel for her, it really is her deal. We all made choices. She chose to have 3 kids.

I'm wondering if you all have different thoughts. Please let me know. Thanks!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Tue, 08-09-2011 - 9:39am

Hi there!

Thanks for checking back in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2008
Tue, 08-09-2011 - 10:59am
As someone who has a 2 year old and a baby coming any day now and has no family nearby to help, I can relate to her desperation. However, it's her responsibility, not yours, and the guilt is something you do NOT have to put up with. Tell her so. When she needs your help, she can ask, not assume, and accept your answer. If she wants to start making her kids your responsibility, you can terminate the arrangement altogether and she can look elsewhere.

I know that sounds a bit harsh, but sometimes you have to set very clear boundaries with people so their problems don't become YOUR problems.
baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 08-09-2011 - 1:02pm
oooh, this might make you and others mad. I thought I clarified but now I'm thinking I did not.

It was our scheduled day. She gave us three days over this summer and I ok'd all of them. But on the day we were to have them, she told us they were sick. She wasn't going to call us and warn - my husband had called her to verify food they might like. It was then she told us. It was then we told her we could not take them.

She has a schedule that doesn't seem to mesh with her husband (they are separated). The day she needs someone is Sunday - which makes things harder.

According to her, she cannot afford daycare or a nanny.

Regardless of our snafu (you may or may not agree with what we did), I completely agree that she needs to find a solution.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 08-09-2011 - 1:04pm
Thanks - and I wholeheartedly agree with you.

I guess this one particular situation is different in that we did agree to watch them on this date - we agreed to the date a month or so ago.

We were surprised that she wasn't going to tell us they were sick, just drop them off and let us deal with it - even with our trip out of the country - now in 3 days. My mom thought maybe it didn't occur to her - but how could it not??
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2006
Tue, 08-09-2011 - 1:06pm
This response is really to all. We saw our choice as this - go thru with the agreed upon date and most certainly get sick OR tell her no. With kids, 3 of them sick, we felt it was a known risk and we would definitely get sick. I feel terrible leaving her in a lurch, we tried to work with her in finding a last minute day care, told her we'd pay her day's wages if her work gave her the day off without pay. But she didn't want any of that help and was too upset to even talk.

Worse, my husband is distraught over this, and feels that this will leave their relationship permanently damaged (they've had a rocky history).
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2008
Tue, 08-09-2011 - 10:57pm
I see- thanks for clarifying! Honestly, I think it was still her responsibility to tell you that the kids were sick. I do that with everything! If we are going to a family event and one of my children is sick and possibly contagious, I let the host know and they can decide if they'd like us to attend or not. Really it is just common courtesy in my opinion.

It sounds like you did everything you could to help her. If she didn't want help finding last minute child care or pay for her day's wages (which was a really lovely offer), there isn't much you can do. I can understand why she'd be frustrated but it's life and sometimes things don't work out the way you had hoped (and having kids you just have to roll with the punches sometimes!).

I hope things smooth over for you all soon. Let us know!

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