Anonymity - Please chat with me on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
Anonymity - Please chat with me on this
19
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 1:03pm

I got the paperwork for the D-emb program, it was very exciting! It is so nice to be moving in a positive direction after hearing nothing but negative from doctors on our TTC journey.


Something that is swirling in my head though, this program involves signing paperwork that acknowledges the donor couple will be completely anonymous.



 BabyFruit Ticker

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Registered: 11-29-2005
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 2:41pm

That's a really good question.


I'm adopted, and over the years have thought about searching for my biological mother.

 


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Registered: 05-28-2008
Sat, 05-15-2010 - 3:25pm
Thanks so much for your insight, it helped a lot.





 BabyFruit Ticker

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 05-16-2010 - 9:55pm

Hi Mattie, I copied this from a response I gave to another poster...


I am one of the few here that has no plans to tell my child that DE were involved. To me, it really doesn't matter. How many of us don't know the health history of anyone past our grandparents and even that is a bit sketchy? My donors health history is very similiar to my own so in my opinion, to "tell" would only confuse my baby. Now that I am holding my baby in my arms---I am the mother, not the donor. I look into my childs eyes and I see my husbands looking back at me. Surprisingly enough, our baby looks like my baby pics but got my husbands coloring. The donor sold her eggs for a price...and I am so grateful she did ! We have a wonderful child that I love more than anything. She's no longer nor will she ever be involved. Just my opinion......

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Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 05-24-2010 - 4:25pm

Hi,


My husband and I met with our fertility doctor here in Colorado last week to get started on this DE journey. I had the same concerns/thoughts as you.. and my doctor told me that they require only anonymous donors....so that the parents can't track down the donors...however he did imply that the agreement we sign does not apply to our child (to be).


I, like you, just want to have options available to my child based on his/her own curiousities and needs. Who knows if tracking down the donor will be something she wants but I'd want to have that option open to ensure that my child is as well-adjusted as possible.


As you said, this is all new and who knows what the best way to handle these things are. But I am definitely planning (although not looking forward to it) telling this child to be (we haven't even started the process but i am very hopeful that it will all work out), as well as our older child who was conceived the normal way, as much about the donor as we know. I wouldn't want that secret hanging over me.


Good luck!


Jomamma

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Registered: 02-03-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 2:11pm

This is very interesting. We are using Donor Sperm and there is a big push within this situation to have more "open" donors. Most sperm banks have donors who have agreed to release their identity to any children conceived using their sperm on the child's 18th birthday. The parents (DH & I) would not be able to get that information - only our child if he/she should desire. For me personally, this is a great option. We may or may not use it (it's up to us whether we tell our child of this option) but at least it is available. I don't know if there are any programs that offer this with egg (or embryo) donation - but you could look into it if you wanted. My own two cents - I don't think we should "hide" the way our children were conceived (we prefer to talk openly from early on about the process) - but that doesn't mean they need to know the exact identity of the donor. YOU are the parents. You just needed one little piece of the puzzle to bring YOUR baby into the world. :-)

Leslie Finally welcomed baby Stella on 2/25/2011 after 3+ years of TTC!
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Registered: 02-03-2010
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 2:16pm

Sorry - I forgot to say one last thing.

When all is said and done - you need to do what is right and comfortable for you. I know we all have different journeys. How much you share or don't share is TOTALLY up to you and your DH. I'm sure you will make the right decision for your family. :-)

Leslie Finally welcomed baby Stella on 2/25/2011 after 3+ years of TTC!
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Registered: 11-18-2007
Tue, 05-25-2010 - 2:32pm

Mattie remember me from the TTC+40 board? Anyhow I too am adopted and was always raised knowing so, to me I was special because I was a true gift for my parents.


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Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 8:26am

Thank you so much for posting this exact question! My husband and I are newlyweds (I'm 44, was widowed with two teenagers) and we've been through lots of IUI procedures and such to get us to the point that we're meeting the invitro doctor this week. I'm worried they'll jump right to donor eggs, and I don't know how I feel about that. Is it weird that my husband made a baby with another woman? Isn't it better than adopting? I still get to be pregnant and breastfeed and all that! Who really needs to know about donor eggs? Do we tell the grandparents? I was intrigued by the woman who posted that it is just a cell and so different from a biological mom who carried the baby with that connection before an adoption. So true. How confusing would this be to a child to see birth pictures and a birth video but then realize that I'm not really his genetic mom? I cherish every comment on this topic. Thanks so much!


Becky - mom to dd 15 and ds 13
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 9:51am

Hi Becky!!!


I think you were referring to my comments :)

 


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Registered: 01-27-2009
Mon, 05-31-2010 - 12:22pm

hi, Becky, et al (over on this board!),

When I had an initial appointment with my RE, he started the discussion on donor eggs. I wasn't really listening too intently, but he discussed how some genetic/biological material from the mother is transfered to the embryo during the pregnancy. Said that he just wrote a paper on it. His point was, it isn't someone else's baby; in many ways - even biological ways -- it is yours.

I have another appointment with him in the near future and will try to find out this information again. At that point, I was set on having an IVF. Now, I am praying that donor eggs work! I'm getting scared that might not work!

Anyway, will post this info for everyone in the near future.

best,
martha

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