Anonymity - Please chat with me on this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
Anonymity - Please chat with me on this
19
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 1:03pm

I got the paperwork for the D-emb program, it was very exciting! It is so nice to be moving in a positive direction after hearing nothing but negative from doctors on our TTC journey.


Something that is swirling in my head though, this program involves signing paperwork that acknowledges the donor couple will be completely anonymous.



 BabyFruit Ticker

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 6:56pm

That is interesting!



 BabyFruit Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2010
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 7:25pm

I am also going through an egg donor program. The agency will keep the records and if there an emergency, they can contact the donor for you. Do not worry about that end. Also, you can also pay to store the cord if you are worried.


I have chosen not to tell my child, at least that is the way I feel today. I feel I have plenty of time to decide and if later I change my mind, I can tell him/her when the time is right. I think in time this will be a VERY normal process, like IVF. Right now no one is talking about it. I think it is quite sad and if everyone starting talking about it like they do IVF, it would be more accepted. The movie stars have their picture on the cover of the magazine - "pregnant at 47" We both know that the egg was from a donor. It glamorizes the situation and keeps egg donation in the dark. 5 years from now, it might be different.

-June
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2010
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 7:30pm
I'm with you. I am going through the egg donor process right now. I have no plans to tell my child. The only problem is I'm nervous about carrying around a secret all my life. For me, it is a lot to deal with. I'm sure once I get pregnant and have the baby (lets hope) my worries will fade away.
-June
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2010
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 7:35pm

Yes, its the SECRET that I don't like. I have another child as well. My worry is that the older child will find out and be hurt that I kept it from her. I don't plan on saying anything, but I will wait to see how I feel later on. For now I just hope I get pregnant!!! ER is June 9th for my donor. ET date is June 14th. I sure hope it works. It worked last time but miscarried at 8 weeks.


-June
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2010
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 7:46pm

I am a mother of a teenager from a previous marriage (she is 17) and am going through egg donation. I am NOT telling the child. I don't feel there is any reason to confuse the child or make the child feel insecure. I also feel it would upset the older child. I will keep up with the agency and make sure I know if there are any medical issues I need to be aware of. I do not feel you need to make the decision right now. My suggestion is do NOT tell anyone until YOU have decided what is right for you. You may feel one way now and then 2 years, 3 years feel another. You have no idea. You certainly don't need to decide now. The more mature my teenager gets, the better and more accepting she will be later. Right now, she is WAY to immature to understand everything about egg donation. She is 17. I mentioned it once awhile back and she freaked out and starting

-June
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2010
Tue, 06-01-2010 - 7:56pm

This is the way I look at it. Yes, the egg comes from a donor. But it is YOU, your blood that is feeding this baby. It is YOU that is creating every new cell by keeping the baby inside you and nuturing it. Biologically, the baby is YOURS, the donors and your partners. That is just the simple truth.


Good luck on your journey. I hope it is a successful one!! When are you starting meds?

-June
-June
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 8:49am

Hi Mattie! Lots of luck with your ED journey! We plan on telling our child that he was conceived using an egg donor right from the very start. From our initial discussion about doing DE, I always knew I would want to tell him- it's just not something I am comfortable keeping a secret. I would imagine him learning about conception and just assuming that's how it was for him, when meanwhile it wasn't. And god forbid he should find out on his own somehow (and that's always a possibility no matter how tightly you keep it under wraps), that would be a disaster. Plus, I want him to know how hard we worked to get him, how much he was wanted, and how special he is because he exists because of a beautiful collaboration between 3 people.

Once I joined a DE support group led by a psychologist and read LOTS of books and research on the topic, and spoke in person to someone who was conceived via DE and DS, my decision was absolute. When handled correctly, it will not confuse the child, and I truly believe that a child has a RIGHT to know. The general consensus of the psychological community is that the benefits of disclosure far outweigh the negatives. And that telling early and often is the way to go, since it won't be a "big deal" just a part of who they are. I highly recommend reading the books "Experiences of Donor Conception" and "Mommies, Daddies, Donors, Surrogates."

As far as anonymity, our donor is anonymous, but we have a good deal of info about her, including a childhood photo. We will share all of this with our son if he wants to see it. At this point in time, he won't be able to contact her, but in the future that could change, since there has been some talk about a donor egg registry similar to what they do for sperm donors, and if she decides to participate that could happen. But who knows what the future will hold, if our children will even be interested in it.

Yes, there is no doubt that this baby is mine in every way- including biologically since it is true that the environment has an effect on the genes of the baby (research "epignetics" for more on this topic). But I believe we do ourselves and our children a disservice when we act like this part of who they are doesn't matter.

 


Amber



Mason James was born 8/21/10, 8lbs 12 oz after close to 3 years of infertility.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2008
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 12:38pm

Thanks for all the posts.



 BabyFruit Ticker

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Wed, 06-02-2010 - 1:39pm
I think it's harder for the dads no matter how you conceive because they really can't be too involved for a while. Yes, they can feel the baby kick, and yes, they will be blown away when the baby is born, but for the first few months the baby really needs mom (esp if you exclusively breastfeed). But I am 100% sure that your DH will completely love and bond with your child. Even when babies are conceived the old fashioned way, sometimes it takes a while for the dad (and the mom) to bond. I wouldn't worry about this at all! It will happen. Good luck!

 


Amber



Mason James was born 8/21/10, 8lbs 12 oz after close to 3 years of infertility.

Pages