Tess, I'm so sorry you and DH are not on the same page. Does he know how strongly you feel about this? And about the cost comparison? Maybe if you write out a chart with pro's and cons, including your desire to experience pregnancy and bond with your baby during breastfeeding.
DH and I have had our own differences of opinion about what is the next best step to take...we've just had to talk things out until we can agree or compromise. In our case, he knew having kids was a dealbreaker issue for me before we even got married, and he knew what progression that would be, and what my priorities were. So I think that makes things easier for us.
As for wanting to give birth rather than adopt being "selfish", well I suppose one can take an extreme position that just about anything is "selfish". Is it "selfish" not to give away all your saving to charity and live at the minimum standards you can so that you can help others that are worse off? Is it "selfish" to buy a starbucks latte instead of mailing that $4 to charity? Is he mother Theresa? Most of us are not, and we have desires for our own personal happiness, and that is 100% normal. Labeling your natural maternal desires "selfish" is not respecting your legitimate desire for personal happiness and fulfillment. These decisions are not just about logic or economics---they are about feelings, and both partners need to respect others feelings about these critical issues. Hopefully you and DH just need to talk about this more until you understand eachother better. If you are considering divorce over this, I think it's time to have that conversation with the help of a couples counselor/MFCC. Good luck and I hope you two can work this out soon.
I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this right now.
Tess, I just thought of something that might be a good compromise for you and DH. You may have already thought about this, but have you looked into embryo donation?
"The overall costs for an entire cycle including screening may range from $2,500 to $4,000, which may not include psychological counseling or legal fees. RESOLVE publishes a resource guide that lists SART clinics offering embryo donation services. For additional information, call (617) 623-6222."
I'm fairly new to this board but your post caught my attention.
Tess - I am sorry! DH's just don't "get" it...also, they bond as well during the pregnancy and the birth.
I wrote my DH a letter, where I was able to explain my feelings. I think it helped I left it on my packed suitcase...
I think embryo adoption is a viable compromise for both of you. No bio parents coming back to haunt you AND you adopt at the same time.
You can spend $35K on an adoption and get nothing...or get a a child and have the bio parents come back.
We are now working our way into the foster care system...but I don't think I'd be able to do that if I hadn't already had Danny.
Good luck hun!
Sister, I understand exactly how you feel ! men do not understand because they are just not maternal. We are doing what you want to do and my DH is all for it. He's seen me go through 3 m/c and saw how happy i was rubbing my belly, even though it didn't last long....your DH needs to listen to you and not to those other people at work. Does he know how serious you are about this. One of the reasons I want to carry my child is because I will KNOW that I didn't smoke or drink or eat the wrong things during my pregnancy. I know of some people who have had wonderful adoptions and adoptive children and some who have gone through hell with not only the process but the child. That's not to say that any child I have won't have problems but at least i will know even with DE where they spent their first 9 months as they formed.
If DE do not work out, we might try Donor Embryos and then we might adopt....there are a lot of possibilities before moving to adoption and I don't want to offend anyone here but that is just not my first choice. Sorry but that's how i feel. Perhaps once I give birth to my first child, we will adopt after and yes, I may change my mind next week but that's how i feel now. i used to feel bad about it but don't now.
Sit down and talk to DH again....tell him what you've told us....i hope he will listen !
love and hugs,