Disclosing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2001
Disclosing
5
Thu, 06-19-2014 - 10:05am

Hello everyone!  It has been a long time since I've been to this board.  It took me a few minutes but I was able to remember my login.

A little history about me.  I have two donor conceived children, a daughter (16) and a son (13), both by the same donor.  I am married now for 32 years.  The kids have been the best thing we ever did.  I have no regrets. 

Well it's amazing how fast the years go by and during those years we had always planned to tell the kids how they were conceived, but never did.  So now we are discussing that we need to do this but not sure how and when.  My sister in law is the only one who knows.  We have been doing some research on it and I worry after hearing how olders kids have so much trouble with it. 

An issue I am concerned with is my daughter has been seening a psychologist for the past few months because she has social anxiety and it escalated this past school year.  The other issue I have is my son has Asperger's and has low self-esteem and there are times where he thinks his dad doesn't like him.  I worry that they will not be able to handle it.  I talked with her psychologist the other day and she said that it's good my daughter is seeing her as it will help her work through it.  I am wondering if I should get my son scheduled also.

Is there anyone here who waited to tell their kids?  Anyone who is not going to tell their kids?  Any recommendations on how to handle it?

 

Thanks so much!

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2012
In reply to: momer98
Thu, 06-19-2014 - 12:52pm

I don't have any experience with this personally (I just happened to see your post and wondered what it was about) but have to ask why on earth you would need to reveal this to your children. IMO it is a very personal matter that no one really needs to know about. I can't see how revealing this information is in any way a benefit to someone.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-01-2002
In reply to: momer98
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 7:26pm
Hello, I think I remember you. I just recently disclosed to my DI son, who is now 14. He took it hard at first. He accused me of lying. I had to show him posts from this board that went was back. I had to show him a letter from my reproductive endocrinologist. And even at that it took awhile for it to sink in. He is totally fine with it now. He did talk to a psychologist. And he pointed out to Joseph that he should be able to see how much he is loved and how much is was wanted by the lengths we went though to have him. I personally believe disclosure is important. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be. And yes, as long as your daughter is talking to a psychologist, why not involve your son, That would be a good time to start the disclosure process. (if that is what you chose to do) Secrets do have a way of coming out someday. And they will be painful if they come out and you were not the one to disclose. Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2001
In reply to: momer98
Thu, 06-26-2014 - 8:24am

Thanks for your reply.  Our sons are just about the same age.  My son will be 14 in December though.  I shared your response with my husband.  I talked to my son about seeing the psychologist recently for his low self-esteem etc. so it would also include the disclosure also.  The psychologist told me if we are going to do it, now would be a good time since school is out and the kids have less stress.  We may do it Sunday.  

You are right, these things have a way of coming out and I don't want that to happen.

I think I remember you also.  This board doesn't seem as busy as it used to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2001
In reply to: momer98
Sun, 06-29-2014 - 3:46pm

Update:  we talked to both kids today.  It went very well.  We explained to them how we wanted a family and this was a way we could have it etc.  Both handled it very well.  They are not upset.  My daughter told me it feels weird but she loves her dad as he is her dad and always will be.

We told them if there are any questions to please let us know.  We also told them we will leave it up to them if they want anyone to know.

Thanks for your help Sheryl!

Community Leader
Registered: 08-01-2002
Mon, 07-07-2014 - 8:33pm
I am so happy it went well for you and your family. Joseph is dealing with it very well now. I am so happy that I finally did disclose.
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