Finding a donor

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Finding a donor
12
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 12:57pm
Is it better to use a donor agency, or contract with an independent donor? Does anyone know the advantages/disadvantages of each ?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:02pm

I think that if you use a known donor, that donor is considered the baby's "father"... meaning he has all the legal rights and obligations of fatherhood. You could sue him for child support, and he could sue you for visitation. Although this may only be if you are single - if you are married, your husband may be considered the father. A donor through a bank is considered an unknown donor, and has no claim. I don't know if an independent donor is considered a known donor or an unknown donor, though. I'd definitely look into the legal aspects of it - I'm no lawyer, and am repeating things I have read which might be inaccurate or out of date, so I would suggest you double-check what I'm saying.

For myself, I just went through a sperm bank, not only because I didn't want some stranger trying to claim my child, but also because I was concerned about potential emotional issues w/ male friends as known donors. I didn't really look into independent donors.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 12:39pm
If I use a known donor, wouldn't I need to get a contract stating that she relinquishes all her "rights"?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 12-28-2006 - 10:28pm

I prefer using an unknown donor through a well known cryobank (we used Fairfax).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 11:31am
I can understand wanting an anonymous donor. At first, that's what I wanted and was strict about it. But I didn't like it that some agencies won't even show you pictures of the donor. No way could I pick a donor without seeing her picture! Then I met this woman who is an egg donor, and I felt a connection with her. She has donated to other couples, and has her own children, so I doubt she'd be wanting to "mother" my child at all. I still wouldn't want my child to know he was from DE, until he's at least 18. My husband suggested "never" telling him. That's a possibility also.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 12:14pm

Well, what I read was that the contracts aren't worth the paper that they are printed on, legally. The reason for this is that it's a contract between donor and recipient, but visitation and child support is done on the behalf of the child, who did not sign the contract. Courts will usually hold the position that the child should have a father, so will award visitation / child support for known donors if they look for it (but for some reason unknown donors are legally different). Though it may be different if you are already married, since your husband would be the father. The contracts are more useful as a statement of intention between the recipient and a friend who she trusts to hold to the terms of the agreement, so that both sides know EXACTLY what is expected.

That said, most of the information I have comes from "Single Mothers by Choice" by Jane Mattes, and applies to single recipients of sperm donors. From reading the rest of your posts, it sounds as though you are looking for an egg donor, which might be different legally. The courts don't need to look for a mother for a child, since you will be that mother. I'd still look into the legal aspects of it just in case, especially if you've already found a known donor that you like. Like you said, it's pretty unlikely that a donor will try and claim a child later on; it would just be tragic if that happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 12:43pm
We do plan on disclosing to my son how he came to be.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 2:12pm
I'm married, so my husband would be the father. And I would be the mom. The donor I've picked out has 2 kids of her own, and has donated eggs to several other couples. She'd have to be crazy to want custody of all those kids!! But I guess anything is possible.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 2:16pm
I actually think its great to tell the child, but I probably won't be able to tell our child. For one thing, my husband is dead set against telling. Also, I have some narrow-minded family members and I don't want them treating my baby like a "freak" or like he's not family. I can't even tell them I'm doing IVF, they would have moral objections to it. Its truly sad that some people are this way. I live in the Bible Belt.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Fri, 12-29-2006 - 8:36pm

It's a shame that it has to be like that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 5:50pm

Its sad but true. My husband came here from another country, and he was shocked at how narrow-minded some people here are. Its not something he had much experience with.

I wish I had a mom to talk to about my failed IUI and failed attempts at trying for IVF. My mom would not be supportive, she might even tell me its God punishing me or something.

I'm glad you had support and your boy is beautiful!

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