Frustrated..please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2013
Frustrated..please help!
8
Tue, 01-22-2013 - 3:03pm

I'm so frustrated with my husband, can you tell me if I'm being unreasonable or not?  We've been trying to have a baby for several years, and it just hasn't happened.  After the first year, I got some testing done by my ob/gyn and everything looked normal.  He refused to get tested at that time, and it took another good year of me hounding him for him to agree to it.  I might sound cold hearted, but I was tired of seeing negative pregnancy tests month after month, I couldn't take it anymore.  It's just too heart wrenching to be hoping every month and then to have those hopes dashed.  We found out that he has a extremely low sperm count, basically it will take a miracle to get pregnant.  He took it very hard, understandably, but I don't think it should stop us from using other methods to get pregnant.  I'd like to look at the option of using donor sperm, he's not even willing to talk about it.  I think it's safer all around, and we really don't have the money to do IVF (which the doctor said would still be a long shot).  How can I convince my husband to at least think about it?  

Community Leader
Registered: 08-01-2002
Thu, 01-24-2013 - 6:53pm
Wow. That is a tough one. It took me over a year to talk my husband into even talking about sperm donor. What I did was write down all my thoughts in a letter and give it to him. That way he could read it without interupting me. HE read it and never responded or even would talk about it. I waited a few months and tried again. Evetuallyy he talked to me about it. It took a long time but me persistance paid off. Good luck!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2012
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 11:05am

I went through something very similar to this.  My DH has three kids from his first marriage, and had gotten a vasectomy after his third daughter was born.  We always knew that we wanted to have kids together, so when we got the money, we had the reversal surgery done.  After four months without success, we had a SA done, and it came back looking pretty bad.  The doctor told us it might just be that things were still clearing up from the vasectomy, to wait another three months and get tested again.  We did this a few times, and after two years I finally talked my DH into seeing a specialist to discuss our other options.  At this point, he was open to adoption, but not donor insemination.  He said he didn't know if he would be able to handle me having another man's child, even though he knew it would be ours.  I showed him the price tags on adoption, IVF, and donor insemination, and he finally started considering it, but still said he wanted it to be our last option.  We found out that he had low testosterone, which probably played a large role in his low count and motility, and went to see a urologist who put him on Clomid.  Again, this was a "wait three months and come get tested" situation, which happened about three times.  His testosterone was going up, but not his count or motility.  After every time, I got very depressed at the thought of waiting again.  I told my DH that it would be easier for me to accept if I knew that we had a backup  plan (a.k.a. donor insemination).  We set a deadline for it to work out for the two of us, and said that if it didn't happen we would "look at the catalogs." 

Needless to say, I got VERY impatient and frustrated throughout our long, drawn out attempts.  At times, I would feel like he couldn't possibly understand what I was going through since he already had children and I was faced with the possibility of never becoming a mother.  He eventually opened up and told me that it was extremely difficult for him, because the fact that the troubles were on his side made him feel like less of a man.  Going to donor insemination, in his eyes, was turning to another man to do what he could not.  I'm guessing that this is where your husband is at.  I know my DH feels almost embarrassed by the fact that he does not have enough testosterone to produce quality sperm.  My advice to you would be to be patient and understanding of what he is going through, but also to make him understand that it is something you need to feel fulfilled and that it will be your child together anyway, regardless of the DNA.  I'm sure it is different for each man, but that is what worked for me.  Good luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2007
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 6:39pm
You need to think of how your husband is feeling right now. He is probably feeling guilt and sorrow over this. If you had a problem ovulating or no eggs, you would feel the same. Have you ever considered embryo adoption? My husband and I have adopted 4 embryos and are in the process of our FET cycle right now. It is not extremely expensive like traditional adoption, but probably costs more than donor sperm. It could be a possible option to share with your husband. I know for my husband and myself we felt more comfortable with this option as the child will have no genetic tie to either of us, so we are both in the same boat. Let me know if you have questions about our journey, I'd be happy to share with you. Many blessings to you, Kelly
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2013
Fri, 02-08-2013 - 1:44pm
Thanks for the letter idea, that's a great way to communicate with him how I'm feeling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2013
Fri, 02-08-2013 - 1:46pm
Thanks for sharing your story, I think that's how my husband is feeling as well. I understand it, but it doesn't help quell the feelings I have. Have you already gone through DI yet, or are you still in the process?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2013
Fri, 02-08-2013 - 1:48pm
I haven't thought of that, it's something I need to do some research on. I really don't care what the genetics are, just want a baby. How did you go about finding an embryo? I'd love to hear more about it if you are willing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2007
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 1:59pm

We went through an agency that only does embryo adoptions, it's called Embryo Adoption Services of Cedar Park. This is a more expensive route than to try to find a donating family on your own, but we felt it was worth it to have someone do most all the work for us. We were matched quickly, only a few months after we submitted the last of our paperwork. I know there are other options, if your fertility clinic has a donor embryo program you may be able to go that route, it is usually totally anonymous. I have also heard of people going through a site called Miracles Waiting to find a donating family. There are many options if you research the topic. We adopted 4 frozen babies and we just transferred the first 2 embryos to my womb 3 days ago...now we just wait to see if the babies implanted and we get a positive pregnancy test...our blood pregnancy test with our clinic is Monday, April 8th. Cedar Park matches you with a donating family and you can decide whether you want your adoption to be open, semi-open or closed. Ours is semi-open,, we only communicate through the agency and only know one another through first names and have seen pictures of each other. After we were matched, Cedar Park arranged for the embryos to be shipped from the clinic where they were made to our home clinic. It all happened pretty fast. We were matched December, finalized adoption agreement early February, had the embryos shipped the following week and began our FET cycle that week as well and transferred the first 2 embryos end of March.

I hope whatever you decide that both you and your husband will feel at peace with it, and I do hope you can be a mom one day soon.

Kelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2007
Mon, 04-01-2013 - 1:59pm

We went through an agency that only does embryo adoptions, it's called Embryo Adoption Services of Cedar Park. This is a more expensive route than to try to find a donating family on your own, but we felt it was worth it to have someone do most all the work for us. We were matched quickly, only a few months after we submitted the last of our paperwork. I know there are other options, if your fertility clinic has a donor embryo program you may be able to go that route, it is usually totally anonymous. I have also heard of people going through a site called Miracles Waiting to find a donating family. There are many options if you research the topic. We adopted 4 frozen babies and we just transferred the first 2 embryos to my womb 3 days ago...now we just wait to see if the babies implanted and we get a positive pregnancy test...our blood pregnancy test with our clinic is Monday, April 8th. Cedar Park matches you with a donating family and you can decide whether you want your adoption to be open, semi-open or closed. Ours is semi-open,, we only communicate through the agency and only know one another through first names and have seen pictures of each other. After we were matched, Cedar Park arranged for the embryos to be shipped from the clinic where they were made to our home clinic. It all happened pretty fast. We were matched December, finalized adoption agreement early February, had the embryos shipped the following week and began our FET cycle that week as well and transferred the first 2 embryos end of March.

I hope whatever you decide that both you and your husband will feel at peace with it, and I do hope you can be a mom one day soon.

Kelly