Need help

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2005
Need help
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 8:32am

I know that I have not posted on this site very often but I really have never needed help like I do now. So the other day I was out with a girl friend, her family and husband when her husband offered to assist myself and husband with conceiving a child. We are unable to conceive due to my husband having fertility problems. He currently has four beautiful girls but am wondering if it is the right thing to do. I also do not know how someone would go about it. I get the concept of a sperm bank but when you have someone that you know wanting to contribute what would the steps be. Please help...Is this the right thing to do and would anyone have an idea of how to go about it?


Avatar for cl_packersrnumber1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: raelinn2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 8:21pm
Good luck with whatever route you decide to take.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2006
In reply to: raelinn2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:35pm

I think the place to start would be by you and your DH discussing how each of you feel about the offer and what that entails in the short run and long run.

Some questions for you both to ponder:

1. How would your DH feel by knowing who the donor is? Does he have concerns about the donor being able to see the child and "know" that it came from that guy? What about you?

2. How would this affect your relationship with your friend? If the relationship should end over this how would you feel?

3. What is the other couples expectations? Would they donate and never speak a word of it or would they feel some claim or have a special interest in the child? The two couples would need to sit down and really discuss this for the short term and the long term.

4. Are you considering this because of the cost and convenience of it only? If that is the case I would not consider it. Cost and convenience should not be the motivation to have a known donor (my opinion of course).

Those are some questions to start with. Personally my DH would never allow a known donor friend. Just could not do it. He perfers the anonomity of a paid donor from a bank and the security of that. No one will ever show up at our door and say "how's my kid" ect. We had considered a friend at one point and DH stated to me that he just did not want the guy to be able to drive by and see our baby outside playing and think for one second "thats my kid."

If you decided to do this you should have a contract put in place. You need to decide if you would do Dr. assisted cycles or home cycles. If it is Dr. assisted the known donor would most likely have to be tested and screened for certain things in order to protect you. This may take awhile and slow down the ttc process. In this case the guy would either donate fresh to be "washed" at the Dr. office on the day of your IUI. The other scenario is that he would have to donate at the Dr.'s office and have it frozen and quarinted for awhile.

If you did fresh the guy would have to donate fresh at his home our yours and provide it to you within 30min. NO saliva used or other products while getting his sample. He could donate it in a clean sterile collection cup for you to draw up and insem yourself or he could use a sperm friendly condom and give that to you. In this case you would want to know how committed the guy is to donating. I mean how many cycles would he be willing to give you.

As for a contract there are some online but I would atleast have an attorney review it. In most states any child produced in a marriage is considered a product of that marriage no matter how the child was conceived. Does your DH understand that there would be no "this is not my kid" should you later get divorced?

Lots of stuff to think about. Personally I think picking an anonymous donor from a list, paying for it, and either doing home insems or Dr. assisted is the way to go (Dr. assisted perferable as I have done both).

Good luck and don't let your strong desire to have a baby be the force making all the decisons when considering a known donor. Use some logic and try to have some foresight for the short and long run.

Alex - pg with #6 (2nd by DI)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-01-2005
In reply to: raelinn2003
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 6:29pm
if you have a fertility specialist that has a psychologist on hand you might want to speak with them to make sure it is the right thing for all of you.