Newbie here

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Newbie here
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 7:47pm


My story is very similar to everyone's here. I was able to conceive naturally with my DD at 40 and then suffered two non-viable pregnancies after that. We turned to IVF shortly afterward to find the "golden egg". First IVF failed and the 2nd one worked but we had to terminate the pregnancy after learning that the baby's health was severely compromised at the 20 week ultrasound.

So now at 43, (44 in July), we are considering DE. Part of me is still hopeful that we can get pregnant naturally, but realize it's unlikley that it will go full term. Another IVF cycle does not seem like the best use of our time and money at this point.

We looked into adoption but found that it would take a long time and the cost was not that much less than a DE cycle. Then I read an essay in the NY Times this weekend about a woman who gave up her son for an open adoption. Her description of how painful and difficult it was to give him up sealed the deal for me. I don't think I could take a woman's baby away from her.

I am concerned about my family's reaction if we go this route. THey are fairly traditional, and all very fertile. Both my sister and brother have 3 kids each, but granted they started in their later 20s. I'm nervous that my parents, and siblings/nieces/nephews, would treat this child differently.I'm also worried about the psychological effect using a DE will have on the child.

It's really important to me to have a bigger family, and to give my DD a sibling.

Anyone have any thoughts or advice? I would probably use the same clinic I did my IVF at here in Colorado. It's one of the top (and probably, unfortunately, most expensive) clinics

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2010
In reply to: roxyjo
Thu, 05-27-2010 - 11:09pm
hi. I am 44 and using egg donor. I went through the same emotions as you are going through right now. We decided NOT to tell anyone. There is always time to tell them in the future. Just say you are doing another IVF cycle. I told everyone we had frozen embryos. No one has to know. If you decide later down the road you want to tell people you can. You do not have to make this decision right away. You don't know how you will feel after the baby is born. There isn't any rush. i also have another child.
I wish you all the best. My donor egg retreval is in June. I sure hope it works!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
In reply to: roxyjo
Fri, 05-14-2010 - 12:33pm

Hi and welcome....

I am one of the few here that has no plans to tell my child that DE were involved. To me, it really doesn't matter. How many of us don't know the health history of anyone past our grandparents and even that is a bit sketchy? My donors health history is very similiar to my own so in my opinion, to "tell" would only confuse my baby. Now that I am holding my baby in my arms---I am the mother, not the donor. I look into my childs eyes and I see my husbands looking back at me. Surprisingly enough, our baby looks like my baby pics but got my husbands coloring.

You said you got pg naturally at 40? Then who's to say you didn't have another "golden egg" at 43? I'm 45 and have 2 frozen embies--I will try again when our baby is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
In reply to: roxyjo
Wed, 05-12-2010 - 6:51am


I'm sorry your struggles have brought you here but you will find that this is a very supportive board with a lot of lovely people.

I'm having frozen oocyte twins and while I plan to tell them and most of my family knows, I only tell select people outside my family. I don't feel, for example, that most of my colleagues need to know (although there are some that do). I'm not a big sharer by nature and there is no rule that says you have to be. What we tell people who ask is that our twins are a result of ivf, which is true and leave the rest unsaid. I am willing to talk about donor egg for people outside my office and I am my local RE's representativer (I'm Active Military) and am willing to talk to patients who may need DE from his clinic (I volunteered for that) as he does not do DE but refers those patients out. I agree with Spencer, do you have to share?

I hope that you find this to be a supportive board, please let us know how we can help.

Best wishes,


Franklin and Callan

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2005
In reply to: roxyjo
Tue, 05-11-2010 - 10:06pm

Hi and welcome!


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