Question for moms of DE babies

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Question for moms of DE babies
7
Sun, 12-17-2006 - 7:35pm

Does your baby resemble you? Does your baby NOT resemble you? Has anyone guessed that you used DE?

I ask these questions because I am considering using a DE soon. I want my baby to resemble me as much as possible. I don't want anyone to know he/she is a DE baby. Mainly because I'm worried about how they might react toward my child. I want my baby to always be accepted by my extended family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Mon, 12-18-2006 - 11:46pm

how you conceived your child is NO ONE'S business, and anyone who would ask you does not deserve much more than a lecture.

Avatar for cl_packersrnumber1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 8:11am

I did not use DE, but did use donor sperm.

jhscalis@wisc.edu

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
Tue, 12-19-2006 - 4:33pm

Well I will find out the answer to this question in about 4 months! Our baby is due May 3rd. The only thing I know about our donor is that she has the same eye/hair color as I do...and that's it. However, I look at my DS (who is mine biologically) and he looks NOTHING like his father. And noone has ever asked him if he is the biological father (and he is.)

We have only told our family that we have used de's. We will eventually tell our son/daughter when the time is right, and he/she can decide if and when they would like to tell anyone. This is such a personal decision and I don't think there is a right or wrong answer...the only thing that matters is what is going to work for your family. I completely understand not ever wanting your child to feel less than accepted and my thoughts are if I told friends etc. there is a very real chance that he or she would find out from someone other than ourselves. And that was just not an option for us.

As far as what your son or daughter will look like, I know it seems important now. But you will carry this child and give life to this child and it will be yours, whether it looks like you, your husband or none of the above. You will get from this the greatest gift..being a mom. And you won't care one bit if it looks like you or not. And for those that ask, they don't even deserve an answer.

The best of luck to you in your decision. Post anytime..this board has helped me a lot in coming to terms with the decision we made and the decisions that we have yet to make.

DD

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 9:50am
I plan on not telling our child, until he/she turns 18. The reasons why are: 1) we live in a religious, conservative area - many people are opposed to IVF, let alone IVF with DE 2) we have narrow-minded family members who would not be accepting of our DE child 3) don't want any other kids making fun of our child because he was conceived via DE, (children can be cruel) 4) we feel a child would be too young to understand until he's older, anyway.
A lot of these reasons have to do with the community we live in - we aren't that far from the "Bible belt". Its hard to be different, in any way, around here. I've already had one person insinuate that I am a "baby killer" because we are doing IVF (a Catholic friend who asked me "what about all those left over embryos!").
There's also narrow-minded types who believe the child isn't really "yours" simply because it doesn't have your DNA.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2005
Thu, 12-21-2006 - 11:45pm

i am sorry that you live amongst such narrow-minded people.


btw, i only mentioned our plans to disclose to illustrate the point that i don't think it's anyone's business to ask you about it--even though i am one who believes in disclosing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2005
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 12:26pm

Hi, *********children mentioned************

I am using DE because I am almost 42 (12-26). I have two children that are genetically mine, and my daughter looks nothing like me! she looks just like her dad. My son, however does look like me. I think it is just the luck of the genetic wheel when it comes to who babies will look like. As long as my DE child is healthy I am fine with it.

I also feel that people who don't deal with IF usually have no clue about DE and how widely it is used.

I wouldn't worry about it, a healthy baby that will be YOURS no matter what is what really matters!

Good luck.

Shelly

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Sun, 12-24-2006 - 9:54pm

I see lots of kids who look nothing like their parents. Or just look like one parent, not the other. My nephew looks nothing at all like his mom - nothing.

They probably don't know because most people don't tell that they used DE (at least, I think most people don't tell). We aren't planning to tell our child until he/she turns 18. But I don't want to do anonymous donor, I'd like to find an independent donor that we can meet in person, and find out somethings about her. We want her to be able to meet our child some day, and our child to be able to meet her.