Scared/Need some Positve encouragment

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Scared/Need some Positve encouragment
14
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 9:14pm

I am thinking seriously about doing DE. I am 35 years old and have a high FSH level. I have one biological son already. I

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 10:18pm

Hi Juliaa,


I really can't answer anything about how it would feel to be the parent of a baby conceived through the process. What I can share is that yesterday, I had two embryos transferred to me that resulted from the donor egg process and I can't explain it, but I feel like these little specs of would-be, could-be, oh-please-let-them-be babies feel right at home to me. I have no idea that if we would have done conventional IVF if I'd feel any different. I don't know that if we do have our child(ren) this way if I'll have any issues later.


I just know I want to be a Mom. I want a baby that resulted because of my love for my husband and our desire to have a family. I think the UPS man could drop off a baby at my door and I would bond with him or her. :-) Yet, this offered us the chance to have my hubby's DNA and my ability to bring the baby/babies to life. Even the thought right now that they are inside of me deciding whether to nestle in and stay put just feels magical.


I wasn't always as accepting of this. I didn't feel this way when we first started exploring the option. At 39 and with severe endo and a past miscarriage, my ovaries might have produced a live birth. The odds (I don't recall specifics) were okay, but not great. More alarming than the pregnancy rate, was my chance of miscarriage. My Clomid Challenge Test was right on the bubble.


We talked about it. I prayed. I let myself be silent and waited for an answer -- is this right for me, for us. That answer was yes. I don't know if in two weeks I'll get a positive pg test. I don't know whether May will bring a little one in our arms. I do know that IF we are blessed enough that it works, I will bond with my baby. I know it because it is our love that made this baby happen... and it will be my body that provides a safe. comfy place and a Mama who gets teary thinking of how much love we have to give. I know I sound so MUSHY! Sorry!


Please know that I don't think less of anyone who has bonding issues. My friend had a hard time bonding with her baby and they did it the "usual" way. Luckily, she got past that and now doesn't understand why she felt that way.


I don't look a thing like my Mom. I look like my Dad, but we never had a bond. My bond was actually with my stepdad. Who knows how bonding really works. I have a friend who has an adopted daughter and she looks so much like her it is unreal. Most of all, the little girl talks like her -- with her hands and with a huge smile at the end of every sentence.


I'm not saying do it. Seriously, I'm not. I'm just saying that you should think about it and listen to your heart. If it says what mine did, I was pulled to doing this like a magnet. At first I even said, "So I get to carry your baby from another woman... just go out and get yourself a fresh 21-year-old and marry her." Yes, I was bitter and angry and spiteful. I realized I was disappointed it wouldn't work the way I always thought it would. I was upset it was ME who was the issue not him. Then, I thought about what we really wanted and somehow those feelings were lifted from me.


I wish you all the best in your journey. You are so right to be asking yourself all these questions now. Don't ever feel guilty for exploring those thoughts. No matter what you decide, it is as it should be.


Hugs,


Elle


With my husband since 2000. TTC since 2004. I have endo and have had 3 laps. Also have IC. One miscarriage in 2008. Completed fresh egg donor transfer in 8-09 and it didn't work. Had a second transfer with frozen embies week of 9-20. I joined this boar

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2007
Sun, 08-23-2009 - 10:45pm

Our situations sound similar. I just turned 36. I have one biological son and one daughter, now 4 months old, from DE. I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure, the primary symptom is a high FSH level.

I had alot of the same questions and worries as you. I finally decided it was okay because it isn't much different from adoption. I have just chosen to adopt DNA. I plan to be open with her. I want her to know that I wanted her so much that I did this... this is how far i went so that she would be in my life. My husband was adopted. He grew up knowing that he was adopted. He always felt loved and wanted by his real parents, the parents who raised him. I hope it will be the same with my daughter.

I don't know how to answer whether the child may be left out or not. My son is from a previous marriage. My husband has adopted him and has been his only father since my son was 3 years old. They are definitely as close as any father and son, closer than many. My daughter is very much loved and wanted by all three of us. I don't think she will feel "different."

Sometimes I think about the fact that she isn't biologically related to me... but honestly, the feeling vanishes when she smiles and laughs. She knows I am her mom, I can see it in her reactions to me and to others. It hardly crosses my mind now. She knows who her mom is. I have thought about it less and less in the four months since she was born. She is wonderful and I know I made the right decision.

Goodluck, I hope this helps. And this is a great community to be a part of during your journey.

-Judy- me 36, DH 36, DS born 6/12/2000 and DD born 4/19/2009

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-Judy- me 36, DH 36, DS born 6/12/2000 and DD born 4/19/2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 6:26am

Hi there:

We just finished our first DE cycle. I do not have children of my own, I'm 40 with crappy eggs but normal FSH. I do have a almost 17 year old step son who I've known since he was 5 and I love him like my own. DE has been a wonderful opportunity for me to have my own child. Everyone in our family has been thrilled and excited about this. My donor does not look like me but she looks like my father's side of the family. I don't resemble either of my biological parents ( my dad is Mediterranean looking dark hair/eyes and mom is a blond with green eyes. I have red curly hair, fair skin and blue eyes)! I am the only child from my parent's marriage but have 4 half siblings who resemble me in features if not coloring. My DSS does not look at all like my husband but resembles his mother. When I was born no one ever commented to my mother that I did not resemble my parents nor has anyone told my husband that his son doesn't look like him!
With. This in mind. I didn't even try to match my donors looks to mine except that we both have curly hair.

I agree with Ellie that the UPS man could have dropped off a child or at least a box of eggs and I would bond to that child. I also agree, that as a clinical social worker, I see plenty of biological Moms who don't bond to their biological babies. The biggest gift for me is a chance to be pregnant. DH and I aren't even wedded to the idea of using his DNA if there was a possibility of issues. We are as excited about this baby as if we had done it the regular way.

As far as disclosure to your child, that is a personal decision. We plan to always make it a part of our child's story, such as "we wanted you so badly we went to great lengths to get you." Everyone comes about this choice in their own place and time. I have a friend who was worried she would love her DE baby more than her bio child because she worked so much harder for him! It is not the case and her family is thrilled with both children. There may be some people who you choose not to tell, because they are judgemental or ignorant but that is your choice. Sadly, there are plenty of people (e.g celebrities) who have DE babies and don't say a word ( like twins at 48)! I wish they would be more open about their struggles because it can open a lot of eyes and hope for people who don't know about DE!

To do DE, you have to be comfortable with the idea of a partial IVF cycle (you will probably go through a mock cycle to see how you build lining, etc...). Once the cycle begins, it is injections that are almost daily but are nit hard. It was fun for me to see how my body responded and was just as exciting as trying the traditional way. I wish you luck and you will always find great answers and support here.
Best wishes,
Gabrielle






From Womack DSW

IVF 1# ICSI & AH-BFN 04/08.


After too many failed natural cycles to mention, discover that previously clear tubes have become blocked after surgery to remove fibroids (however, no more fibroids). Decent FSH for 40 year old

Franklin and Callan

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 7:50am
Thank you all so much for your kind words an support. DE unfortunately is not something I feel comfortable bringing up to many of my friends and family members. I have been hurt so many times in the past talking about infertility. I am going to try to get my support through this message board for DE. I just really need to talk to people who "get it." Thanks again for all of your advice and support. It means a lot to me.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-24-2009 - 10:58pm

Welcome to our board.

jhscalis@wisc.edu

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 5:39pm

Very rarely do I even think about my donor. I am grateful but honestly, this is MY baby. Last month someone posted a link where the medical community is actually finding that the mother carrying the baby actually passes on DNA to the donor baby. Genetically, this child is not mine---so what---biologically it is. This baby was a gift from God to my husband and me---as each day passes the

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2009
Tue, 08-25-2009 - 5:50pm

Dear Songbird,


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2007
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 1:32am

It's good you are asking these questions up front and exploring how you feel about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2008
Wed, 08-26-2009 - 8:40am
I just want to first say to you, what you are feeling is completely normal.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2005
Thu, 08-27-2009 - 8:45am

I could have written your post 2 years ago!

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