To tell or not to tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
To tell or not to tell
21
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 9:59am

Well, I've been a lurker here for a couple of weeks. Have been through many of the same things that you all have gone through and/or are going through. I have one DS who is 3 1/2. I had absolutely no problems with his pregnancy- it was like clockwork. In 2 years, we have had 4 miscarriages and I was diagnosed with a balanced translocation. We decided to try and continue to get pregnant on our own (knowing our chances were about 23% chance of success). We had talked to the genetic's counselors, investigated PGD, adoption and donor eggs. After my last miscarriage earlier this year, we decided to go the egg donor route. It has been a wonderful process for us. My egg donor retrieved 46 eggs (which we shared with another couple). My husband fertilized 14 all of which took. We implanted 2 and froze 12 and I am now 16 1/2 weeks pregnant. We feel very blessed and are very excitd for our little one to arrive. Now for the question. Before beginning this process, my husband and I agreed that how we got pregnant is our business only. We never wanted this child to feel that he was not 100% ours, so we have told no one (except for family) that we were doing egg donors and IVF. All of our friends think that we conceived this one naturally, just like the others, and that odds played to my favor this time. Since then, I'm feeling very conflicted if we should tell this baby and others that we did use an egg donor. The first reason being is that obviously this child will look very little like my son, as my son favors my family to a tee. And secondly, because I think if I was in this child's position, I would like to know (eventually). My doctor who is amazing, said it's obviously a personal decision. She has known people that have told and are very open about it and others who just prefer to keep this in the family. It's very common in families to have kids who don't look exactly like each other- I get this, but am still worried that the difference will be so noticable that people will begin to wonder. We did not meet our egg donor and have not seen a picture of her. We know basic stats- height, weight, eye/hair color.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this conversation and or thoughts on this topic. It seems like a frivolous issue to worry about, but I think it's an important one. We know that we will love this child no differently than our biological son but we also want to make sure that we are doing the right thing. Any words of advice??

Thanks for listening!

D

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:28am
At what age do you think its best to tell the child?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 6:39pm
I wouldn't say a person's identity is *only* about genetics, but it is certainly a part of it...
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Belinda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:49am

Is a person's identity only about his genetics?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2007
Wed, 05-30-2007 - 12:54am
Im curious about something you said... you said your dh's vasectomy fixed itself enough for you to get pregnant that one time... did he have a reversal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2006
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 2:25pm

D -
WOW!!!! How did I miss this post before? We practically have the exact same stories! We too have had four m/c's and I have been diagnosed with a balanced translocation (#12&#17). We are just starting a DE cycle. I began Lupron this past Monday (5/21) and my donor should be starting hers on tommorrow. We have an expected ER date of 6/11.

As for the tell question. It really is a personal decision and one only you and DH can make. We personally really believe that being honest with the child is the best thing. We actually began the DE journey with a known doner but after her husband found out that we were going to be open and honest, he didn't feel comfortable and we decided not to go with her. Even thought DH's parents, my parents and our siblings know we have made it perfectly clear to them that this is NOT something for them to talk about and that this is the child's story to tell.

I noticed that you actually started this thread back in November....wish I would have seen it then.

Anyway, I hope all is still going well with you. Please feel free to email me through my profile. I would really like to see how everything is going.

Best Wishes!!
Cathe
Cathe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-21-2007 - 6:10pm

There's another book....joisey the old CL used to talk about it

Helping the Stork I think it was called

So far just telling Danny that the doctors helped is working...he doesn't need to know yet about sperm and eggs and all that stuff.

Shoot - we've told him its against the law to have a baby unless you are married - actually even to kiss! LOL

(Hoping some of that sticks in his head for when he is 16)

Its a very personal decision...but coming from a person with 1 bio sister, 1 adopted sister, 1 sister who is my x-stefathers DD and 4 step-siblings

DNA does NOT make a family

I look more like my adopted sister than my bio sister

I am closer to my ex-stepfathers dd than any other









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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2007
Sun, 05-20-2007 - 11:50pm
The book is called "Let The Offspring Speak"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Fri, 05-18-2007 - 10:46am

I'm struggling with this issue now - if you get a chance, would you mind telling me where you read these messages from donor offspring? DH and I have a lot of discussion and a big decision ahead of us, and I think this would help us look at it from the child's perspective.

Thanks!

Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 3:38pm

I am not ashamed of it. I just feel its no one else's business. We have decided to not tell anyone, including our child, because we don't want gossip behind our backs or abuse from our family members about our decision.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 1:33am
I have donated my eggs to a couple who are from different ethnic backgrounds than me. There is a strong posibility of about 95% that the child will look completely different from its parents. What they tell their child of course, is up to them and is their own business. However, after reading many messages from donor offspring, one message comes out load and clear: They want to know the truth. They don't appreciate their parents hiding "facts" from them about who they really are. Although the truth is hidden by well meaning parents, (if in fact the parents do know the donor) in the long run, these children will need to know their true identity.

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