To tell or not to tell

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2006
To tell or not to tell
21
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 9:59am

Well, I've been a lurker here for a couple of weeks. Have been through many of the same things that you all have gone through and/or are going through. I have one DS who is 3 1/2. I had absolutely no problems with his pregnancy- it was like clockwork. In 2 years, we have had 4 miscarriages and I was diagnosed with a balanced translocation. We decided to try and continue to get pregnant on our own (knowing our chances were about 23% chance of success). We had talked to the genetic's counselors, investigated PGD, adoption and donor eggs. After my last miscarriage earlier this year, we decided to go the egg donor route. It has been a wonderful process for us. My egg donor retrieved 46 eggs (which we shared with another couple). My husband fertilized 14 all of which took. We implanted 2 and froze 12 and I am now 16 1/2 weeks pregnant. We feel very blessed and are very excitd for our little one to arrive. Now for the question. Before beginning this process, my husband and I agreed that how we got pregnant is our business only. We never wanted this child to feel that he was not 100% ours, so we have told no one (except for family) that we were doing egg donors and IVF. All of our friends think that we conceived this one naturally, just like the others, and that odds played to my favor this time. Since then, I'm feeling very conflicted if we should tell this baby and others that we did use an egg donor. The first reason being is that obviously this child will look very little like my son, as my son favors my family to a tee. And secondly, because I think if I was in this child's position, I would like to know (eventually). My doctor who is amazing, said it's obviously a personal decision. She has known people that have told and are very open about it and others who just prefer to keep this in the family. It's very common in families to have kids who don't look exactly like each other- I get this, but am still worried that the difference will be so noticable that people will begin to wonder. We did not meet our egg donor and have not seen a picture of her. We know basic stats- height, weight, eye/hair color.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has had this conversation and or thoughts on this topic. It seems like a frivolous issue to worry about, but I think it's an important one. We know that we will love this child no differently than our biological son but we also want to make sure that we are doing the right thing. Any words of advice??

Thanks for listening!

D

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 11:28am
At what age do you think its best to tell the child?

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