What do you tell people?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
What do you tell people?
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 3:50pm

I'm on 3dpIUI using a donor. Just wondering what anyone else does when encountering the dreaded question from people? I know everyone's situation is different, but here's mine, maybe someone can shine some light onto what we should do when I AM in fact pregnant!

My husband had testicular cancer years ago, and is infertile and has been since his operations and such. So, 15 - 20 years ago. Everyone pretty well knows he can't have children biologically. He was married to a "whore" for 9 years and she had an affair and got pregnant. Everyone knows that this child is not my husbands bio child. He stayed with her for 5 years too long, and raised his daughter as his own. (she does not know that she is a result of an affair and she's 13 - there's another topic of discussion!!) Anyway, all our friends and family knows our situation... we also have an adopted son. My question is this, for those who know about DH's condition, what do I say when I'm pregnant? EVeryone who knows him, knows his story and his whore of an X-wife... do I tell them it's a donor, just right off the bat? Or do I just say nothing and say it's his.. and be all "wishfull thinking" What does everyone else do? When some people know a bit of your story, but not all of it? I would just like some feedback at other's experiences, so I know kinda what to expect and what to say when time comes. (Also - DH is VERY senstive about the subject - not surprizing - so I want ot really respect what he thinks also - haven't talked to him about it yet. We are in the 2ww still)

Thanks muchly, appreciate feedback!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 11:35am

You could tell people you had assisted reproduction. The folks who know you will understand what this means, and the ones who don't know your history won't know whether the issue was you, your husband, or a combination of both. Lots of people have assisted reproduction. If anyone is rude enough to probe, simply say, "DH is the father" because of course he will be. You may have to be more upfront with family members of course, but to heck with everyone else.

I can understand your husband's sensitivity on this issue. I'm 45 years old and will most likely be undergoing IVF with a donor egg this summer. I thought all along I would be totally upfront about it with everyone, but am now feeling shy about sharing the fact that I won't be genetically related to my baby. I now think I will tell the entire truth to family members (and of course the child), and simply tell everyone else I had in-vitro fertilization. They'll just assume I used my own eggs. I relize this a bit silly because DH may also end up adopting, and of course neither of us will be related to the child. But I still feel shy about telling people I used a donor. Maybe I'll change my mind once the baby's here.

Avatar for cl_packersrnumber1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-23-2007 - 7:50pm


We were up front with family and close friends.