Am I going to have any GOOD days?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Am I going to have any GOOD days?
8
Sun, 03-20-2011 - 10:16pm

I'm having *another* hard day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 5:43pm

DH feels sad about my destroying the book, because he associated it with happy times in our relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 5:31pm

I'm trying not to give up the dream, but it's hard.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Wed, 03-23-2011 - 5:20pm
Thought I'd share the happy news... I'm having a better day. No BFP or anything. In fact not even a +OPK yet. But I haven't cried, and don't even have the urge to cry. Baby steps. I'll take it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 8:44pm

Let me just say I 100% know where you are coming from. There are certainly days (or even weeks) that I cry every day. Worse is when the sadness of IF adds itself to the emotions your meds cause. This entire cycle I have cried. I have been more depressed and more upset now then I have been in a while. It gets bad, and I suppose the bad days I have no idea how I will get through it.

I know it sounds cheesey but a lot of the reason I can get through it is from the ladies here. It is nice to come on here and go "I cried all day today for no reason" and have people completely understand the reason. Sometimes it is knowing that you do not know what tomorrow brings. Things for us IFers can change in a moment. I always believe that we have to let ourself cry. Let yourself have the bad days. Sometimes I feel like when I allow my heart and mind to grieve I do better.

As to your family, I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I find my mother, although meaning well, tends to make the "just relax" comments. Or comments like "I feel like this year is your year". Which of course just adds to the pressure. I mostly change the subject, I will lead the conversation away. It is a shame that they put less value to a couple then a 'family'. Is there any chance to talk to your family about how you are feeling? If not sometimes I feel the best thing to do is come here and vent. We do understand and sometimesw that is what you need.

I hope that your days are getting easier and know that we are all here to support you.

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 7:18pm
Sadly, probably all of us here know exactly what you're talking about. I turned my copy of "what to expect" around on the bookshelf so I don't have to see it. It was purchased at a time when I didn't know conceiving would be so difficult...so I bought it with a lot of hope and excitement....now, like you, I hate it. It only serves as another reminder of what comes so easily tobsome women, but not at all to me. I also get upset thinking that I will never know what it's like to conceive a baby the natural way. That's a really awful thing to take away from a woman and a couple. However, actually having a baby would mean so much more to me than if that baby was conceived via ivf, so I can deal with that. It is really hard to find the gifts in something that is causing us enormous pain...but one gift is getting a true understanding of how precious a baby is. An understanding of how not to take the ability to have children for granted. If I ever have a baby, I already know I will experience levels of appreciation and gratefulness that I've never experienced before. I think IF has changed how I will be a mom, and for the better. I'm not saying the following because I think it's some great advantage for any of us who've had to deal with IF, but no woman will be able to appreciate her children like a woman who had to struggle to have them. That's just something a woman who got pregnant easily can understand....just like many of us here cannot understand what it feels like to get pregnant easily. Infertility, for anyone who has experienced it, is a really bad thing. I can't say if it's better or worse than having a terminal disease or losing someone you love or being abused by your husband or any number of other bad situations people have to live and deal with. They're all bad and nobody should have to experience any of it, but we all know that's not the world we live in. How would you really know what happiness was if you also didn't feel sadness?? We are dealing with infertility, a great many people are also dealing with something really awful. I think it's very easy to get isolated in the world of infertility....and how incredibly painful and unfair it is....but we are surrounded by a world of people also in a lot of pain for various reasons. It just helps me to try and remember that pain is a part of the human experience. But, in my life and almost all others that I've been witness to, life is very cyclical. Yes, there are bad and dark days....but then comes a cycle of happy and good days. I try to remember, too, to be grateful that we live in a time when medicine can help most of us. You know, just 30 or so years ago, I would have had zero chance of having children. Even as I write this, you should know that I am angry....and hurt....and scared....and sad....and bristling at how unfair it is. Just like you. But what are we going to do? Roll over and die and say I didn't want to be a mom, anyway!? No, like anyone else we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and deal with it the best we can. It's okay to break down, we all do. And I guess try to hold on until the good times circle back around.
KayLa (36)... so many fertility issues betweeen DH and I. Diagnosed with Hashimoto's.
TTC naturally since June 2009
IVF #1 November 2010...BFP....early M/C
FET #1 April 2011...BFP...beta 10, 29, 460.
Heartbeat seen via u/s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 2:53pm

Frustrated with family again!

We are tired of hearing "it will all just work out".

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2006
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 1:51pm
Thank you. Im feeling a bit better today after a long heart to heart with my one remaining friend (who is pregnant). Most of my friends don't like acknowledging unhappy situations cause they have happy families of their own. But this friend is always there. And while she is still hoping for a miracle for us (and prays for us, even though we aren't believers) she doesn't dismiss our situation or emotions by saying "it will all work out".

I still don't know how to deal with the negative feelings around the pathetic probability of IUI but I guess it's just something we have to do even though we don't believe in it.

We turned down pressure from the family to participate in a stupid family night (with SIL an her daughter, cousins and their 2 kids) because we know with IUI this week we just want to be alone to feel sad instead of being hurt by all the happy people and babies around us. And it was a relief for us to say no, even though we got hurt replies from them. This isn't about them and if they can't support us by understanding that it's too hard for us to be around them, then they are going to see us less often. That was empowering for us - to take charge of what we need and refuse to feel bad for saying no. I think I feel about 10% better now! And 10% is a lot more than 0 so I will take it. Small improvements count too.

I hope you are right and we find peace with this. We feel like such failures and dont feel like a "purchased" pregnancy will ever be the same. I don't expect to stop feeling that way. But I hope I can accept failing and move on to accepting the alternative.

I'm just scared to hope for ever getting a bfp. It feels even less likely if I hope for it; like Jinxing it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Mon, 03-21-2011 - 10:53am

I am sorry you are going through this pain. IF does rob us of all the things that should happen natrually. It carries a pain that no one can understand unless you have experienced it first hand. It is hard to stay positive when there is so much negative surrounding IF and treatments. I have been going through this for 9 years and it does not get any easier over time. I have experienced every emotion possible and then some. The biggest blow was when we finally got the BFP and lost it 7 weeks later. I think for me I just have become numb to a lot of the pain and accepting that I may not ever have another child. It does help when

Me ~ 31  DH ~ 33  TTC #1 since August 2002. Dealing with mild Endo, PCOS, D