Baby mouse has sent me into hysterics.
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|Thu, 06-18-2009 - 9:36am|
So, I got on facebook this morning, as I do every morning. And there is a giant, glaring announcement from a very good friend that she is now a grandmother and cannot wait to hold her new granddaughter who was born last night. I was never even told that they were expecting a grandchild from my friend of 15 years.
Normally, this would not be a big deal, I see this crap all the time and am generally happy for the news for these people. But, her son is 20 years old, in the military and met the mother while stationed in Omaha for 6 weeks. So, within that 6 weeks, they managed to fall in love, do the deed and wind up pregnant.
After receiving this news, I went to the basement to get the laundry out of the dryer, at which time, my cat ran down the stairs like a streak in front of me. No biggie. Well, as I'm folding laundry, I am hearing a squeeking sound and I look in the other room and the cat is just laying there. Then, he gets up and pulls a baby mouse out from underneath the recliner. Great, he must have found a mouse nest in the garage and now has a baby who is confused, hurt and scared out of his wits in my house!
I scooped him up with a washcloth and put it in a box. I called my DH and had him come home to get it. I couldn't kill it. I know that I should have. It will not make it if released, it is a baby. But, my DH said he won't kill it, he'll let it go. That didn't make me feel any better.
But, now I have been in hysterics for a half an hour.
Why can't I have a baby? What is wrong with me? Why does a 20 year old couple who barely know each other get to have a beautiful daughter and my husband and I who've known each other for 20 YEARS cannot? Its not fair. Its not fair. Its not fair. So, how could I kill a baby mouse? Its a baby too.
I HATE INFERTILITY. I hate that I have to feel like a failure every day of my life since I found out that I can't have kids b/c I can't do the one thing that every woman on the planet has a right to: procreate. I feel like there is weight on my chest crushing my lungs and I can't push it off of me.
I don't know where we're going to get the $10,000 we need to do IVF again. I don't know where we're going to get the money to pay for the birth of a child should we be so lucky to get PG as our insurance doesn't cover any maternity charges. I don't know how we'll raise a child when I am depressed beyond clinical help at this point in my journey.
I am deathly afraid that I will never be a mom. And I'm scared to even try again. Why did I get chosen to be this person? I'm not strong. I'm an emotional wreck. I don't want to try again and fail. I am tired of being a failure. I don't think I'm asking for much, but we have to move a mountain in order to get what we want. And its making me sick that I'm not the person I'm supposed to be...I'm scared I never will be that person. That person is called a mom.