Bitter, party of one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Bitter, party of one.
16
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 12:48pm

So I got the call. BFN.

Not surprising, but disappointing just the same. My hopes were starting to go up since AF and her nasty symptoms haven't appeared. But blood work doesn't lie.

We've exhausted our fertility care benefits now. When I suggested to the Nurse Practitioner on the phone today that we'd have to try on our own for awhile she said that we would have an extremely low possibility of conceiving due to DH's low sperm count. That evil hag (not really I'm just feeling bitter) could have spared me throwing fuel on the fire.

DH refuses adoption or donor sperm.

I feel pretty much at a loss right now. Not angry, not sad, just tired and a little hopeless.

Would someone please explain to me why there are women out there throwing babies in dumpsters and I can't get pregnant?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 1:16pm

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) Melissa!!! This is so unfair and my heart aches for you and for all of us. I don't know why some of us on this planet conceive at the snap of a finger and then abuse our children (or worse) while others can't fulfill their biological destiny. It really really sucks.


In terms of your DH having bad sperm count, well, did you read Lady Radiant (Reba)'s post in the Upgrade section? Her DH also has bad sperm problems (not just count, I think)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 1:28pm

We can't cut enough corners to pay for IVF. And I just can't go into debt having a baby. I work in a field that is volatile, and as an appointee I can be let go at any time. I worry about money constantly with the economy in the toilet.

The only bright side is that I may be getting another job, which would offer 2 rounds of IVF. The only problem is I won't have any time off to go to the doc for the procedures. LOL

You know I was totally setting myself up not to be disappointed because I knew we wouldn't get pregnant. Yet here I sit trying to hold my life together with my hands over a baby I just won't have.

DH and I went to breakfast after we got the call. We discussed when it was time to call it quits on conceiving and let me just BE my career. Sounds depressing, but I don't want to be the obsessed borderline depressed woman I feel like I'm becoming. If we aren't going to conceive then it will be on my terms and because I'm putting my focus and finances elsewhere.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 1:37pm
OMG Melissa I'm so sorry! Gosh it's just one hit after another. I'm with Caren, miracles do happen. I know hearing other people's success stories are worthless to us, but for me, when I hear it from a fellow IFer it fills me with so much hope. And maybe if a bio child isn't right, DH will come around. I know that DH and I right now aren't even willing to talk about IVF, but I know that if I have too, I'm going to have to rethink things. I'm praying hard for you!!!!!!! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 1:49pm

Oh Melissa, my heart is breaking for you right now. I am so, so sorry. You will be a fantastic mother someday...I KNOW YOU WILL! Miracles happen and you need to remember that right now. Your life will work out the way it is meant to.


In the new edition of Conceive magazine (I swipe free copies from my doc) there is a whole section on saving on fertility drugs. The issue is online and the article is on page 46-47: http://www.myvirtualpaper.com/doc/Conceive-Magazine/Conceive-Magazine-Special-5th-Issue/2008100705/

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2007
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 1:58pm

DH thinks that if we use donor sperm that it won't be his child, which is his same reason for not wanting to adopt. Honestly, I don't think he's been as committed to this as I have been from the start...

We had so hoped to tell our parents on Christmas that we were pregnant...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 2:51pm
(((HUGS))) Mel!!!
  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 4:36pm

Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear your news.

~Christine~


TTC since 6/2007. 
IVF #1 Jan 2009 - BFN
IVF# 2  April 2009 - BFN
IVF# 3 July

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 6:30pm

dear melissa,

((((((((hugs)))))))) oh, i'm so sorry!!!!! it's completely unfair that the ladies on this board have sacrificed so much just for the chance to get pg, and there are many women walking around who are pg but don't really want to be. i can relate to what you're saying about trying to prepare for a disappointment. i've been trying to prepare for a BFN since my IUI, and really the past few days (beta on monday) but can't bear the thought of it. i feel like i can't possibly go through another cycle, and yet i can't not do it. i'm not sure what kinds of things there are out there to improve sperm count, or what you've done, but there may be something. my dh has azoospermia (no sperm in his semen) and there's nothing that can be done in his case, so i'm not so familiar with what's out there. oh, and that nurse totally didn't need to say that. it's almost like she felt like you were saying you didn't need her help or something. you're going to make whatever decision you need to right now. i totally understand about not being able to go into debt. plus, if you do get pg, you never know if you'll be well enough to hang onto your job. not a good situation. it sounds like you feel a little trapped, with no option being one you like. it's so hard. after we had loss after loss, RE's office referred us to a therapist specializing in IF, and she's been my lifeboat in all this. she understands the pain. dh and i go together, and it's helped us to really be on the same page. i definitely recommend seeking out this kind of support. IF is such a traumatic experience. i wish i could say something that would take this all away. since i can't, please know that we're all here with you to support you and to send positive thoughts.

ana


TTC since Sept '06. Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07 (w/ fresh TESA), FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days.

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 6:31pm

Melissa (((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2008
Sat, 11-01-2008 - 9:46pm

Melissa, ((((HUGS)))


I am so sorry.

 

Angela

Me 32, C 34. Toge

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