Double the hurt
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|Sun, 01-02-2011 - 6:42pm|
I don't know if I should apologize up front for any of the potentially negative things I am going to say here. I do not mean to offend anyone, I imagine that most of us here have had these thoughts going through infertility and here would be the most natural place to vent these frustrations since there are so many out there who don't understand.
So since I am new here I'll give a quick introduction. My husband and I got married in 2000 and started trying to have a baby the year after. We tried IUI and In Vitro with an egg donor and neither worked. It was so hard to hear at 27 years old that my chances of conceiving were less than one percent. And I couldn't even have the good fortune of having the in vitro be a success. I didn't want to try again and have to go through the heart ache of having it not work. Besides, who can afford to shell out thirteen thousand dollars for every attempt? So for the last ten years I've just been going about my life pretending it doesn't bother me and pretending to be happy each time someone around me is pregnant because I don't want to sound like a jerk. And I know that those who are pregnant mean no slight towards me when all they do is talk about their pregnancy and oohing and ahhhing. Of course it is a happy occasion...for them. But all it does for me is serve to remind me that I will never know that feeling. We can and do hope to adopt, but we're just trying to get our finances in order. Of course I am not getting any younger.
So on to the topic and the reason why I titled this post "double the hurt'. My boss' neice got pregnant and was being wishy washy about keeping the baby. I opened my mouth and said "she can give it to us." and then when he (my boss) was laying out all of the options to her, he mentioned me. Months went by and I hadn't heard anything so I assumed she changed her mind and wanted to keep the baby. Lo and behold, baby was born two weeks ago and she still hasn't made up her mind, so in the meantime my boss now has guardianship. The courts won't let her take the baby because she did drugs while pregnant. Up until a few days before the baby was born I was still an option and then nothing has been said about it since. I personally don't think my boss wants to raise this baby, but his partner does. And who do you think is going to win out if it comes down to me or my boss' partner getting this child? Of course it won't be me. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up and now it feels like (yet again) another opportunity is slipping through my fingers and I am heartbroken once again. Especially since I've seen this baby, held him in my arms and fed him, and I can't help but look at him and think "you could have been mine". It is just not fair and I know that I sound like a whiney baby when I say that. But it makes me so angry, and then I start thinking about all of those horrible parents out there that pop out child after child and I can't even manage to have one? It is almost like this baby just fell into their lap and I am screwed yet again. I am so bitter and I don't know what to do about it. I went to counseling a few years ago and I just cried through the whole session, barely got any words out. I was so mortified I never went back. At any rate, I just needed to post that and get it off my chest.