Double the hurt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2011
Double the hurt
8
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 6:42pm

I don't know if I should apologize up front for any of the potentially negative things I am going to say here. I do not mean to offend anyone, I imagine that most of us here have had these thoughts going through infertility and here would be the most natural place to vent these frustrations since there are so many out there who don't understand.

So since I am new here I'll give a quick introduction. My husband and I got married in 2000 and started trying to have a baby the year after. We tried IUI and In Vitro with an egg donor and neither worked. It was so hard to hear at 27 years old that my chances of conceiving were less than one percent. And I couldn't even have the good fortune of having the in vitro be a success. I didn't want to try again and have to go through the heart ache of having it not work. Besides, who can afford to shell out thirteen thousand dollars for every attempt? So for the last ten years I've just been going about my life pretending it doesn't bother me and pretending to be happy each time someone around me is pregnant because I don't want to sound like a jerk. And I know that those who are pregnant mean no slight towards me when all they do is talk about their pregnancy and oohing and ahhhing. Of course it is a happy occasion...for them. But all it does for me is serve to remind me that I will never know that feeling. We can and do hope to adopt, but we're just trying to get our finances in order. Of course I am not getting any younger.

So on to the topic and the reason why I titled this post "double the hurt'. My boss' neice got pregnant and was being wishy washy about keeping the baby. I opened my mouth and said "she can give it to us." and then when he (my boss) was laying out all of the options to her, he mentioned me. Months went by and I hadn't heard anything so I assumed she changed her mind and wanted to keep the baby. Lo and behold, baby was born two weeks ago and she still hasn't made up her mind, so in the meantime my boss now has guardianship. The courts won't let her take the baby because she did drugs while pregnant. Up until a few days before the baby was born I was still an option and then nothing has been said about it since. I personally don't think my boss wants to raise this baby, but his partner does. And who do you think is going to win out if it comes down to me or my boss' partner getting this child? Of course it won't be me. I tried so hard not to get my hopes up and now it feels like (yet again) another opportunity is slipping through my fingers and I am heartbroken once again. Especially since I've seen this baby, held him in my arms and fed him, and I can't help but look at him and think "you could have been mine". It is just not fair and I know that I sound like a whiney baby when I say that. But it makes me so angry, and then I start thinking about all of those horrible parents out there that pop out child after child and I can't even manage to have one? It is almost like this baby just fell into their lap and I am screwed yet again. I am so bitter and I don't know what to do about it. I went to counseling a few years ago and I just cried through the whole session, barely got any words out. I was so mortified I never went back. At any rate, I just needed to post that and get it off my chest.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2011
In reply to: amyb
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 7:16pm

Hi Amy,

This may not be an appropriate response, but here goes. THAT ISN'T FAIR!!!! I am also 27 years old and extremely bitter myself. I've got more to say, but I don't know if I would get in trouble for saying certain things. : )

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2011
In reply to: amyb
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 8:52pm

I don't want to end up 'flagged' for just

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
In reply to: amyb
Sun, 01-02-2011 - 8:56pm
As far as I can tell, it simply is not possible to endure infertility without some major, life-changing, bitterness. I did my first ivf in Novembet, actually got pregnant, but it looked very iffy from the beginning....and, it was....I'm having a d&c on Tuesday. The receptionist at my clinic "chided" me when they first found out I was pregnant for not thinking it would happen....and now she's all about how sorry she is that it didn't work out. Well, isn't that the very story of an infertile couple? It just doesn't work out? It's all I can do to not just drag her to the ground and punch her. My doctors....I know they mean well, but I also know they really have no idea just how hard this....and how on edge my emotions are. Their sympathy...just further irritates me. I hate that because of what I'm going through, I finally cried in front of them...it just felt even further insulting to me that I cannot even contain my emotions right now. Getting pregnant, but only for a matter of weeks, well....that just further adds insult. I feel like it's wasted more time trying to get to having a baby, and, oh yeah, now add in the cost and pain of a d&c for this cycle that didn't work. We are all here because we can't even get pregnant and then maybe you do, but, what's the point because you just miscarry, anyway? Right now....I almost think fighting the bitterness that IF generates is the greatest battle of IF. There are just so many ways IF creeps into your daily life and leaves you feeling horrible. You couldn't fight it, if you wanted to. And no one, outside of another IF woman, will ever understand any of this. Just know...we feel your pain. We know your pain, and we understand it. Unfortunately, I guess, for all of us. In a world full of things that remind us constantly and painfully of what we do not have, but want so much...at least in coming together with other IF women, we can finally be with those who understand our pain and not feel so alone in our suffering. It's a lifeline when we're drowning in a sea of our own sadness. Because I've come to understand, first hand, the terrible implications of IF, it's a cause I'm always going to be very drawn to. As I'm still going thru cycles, I don't have much energy, but when I'm done with the cycles, with a baby, or not, I really want to throw myself into helping other IF women. Insurance has to change. It's criminal that women are forced to suffer with IF because insurance will not help. One small thing I know I could do better would be helping teach women the injections. A nurse did our injection class, and I clearly know now that she has never actually done the injections. I know I would be preferred to have been taught by someone who has actually done the injections! A little thing like that would make a big difference! Anyway, I hope you find a little comfort here among other women that at least understand the pain you're feeling. Just wish there were more we could do to fix things for you!
KayLa (36)... so many fertility issues betweeen DH and I. Diagnosed with Hashimoto's.
TTC naturally since June 2009
IVF #1 November 2010...BFP....early M/C
FET #1 April 2011...BFP...beta 10, 29, 460.
Heartbeat seen via u/s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
In reply to: amyb
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 8:59pm

Oh I understand so well the frustration of others around you getting pregnant.

My SIL (who I am already not fond of) is pg by this TERRIBLE BF who no one in the family likes. She is on food stamps, both have no job, they cannot even afford $100 a week rent and there is suspicion he beats her. But she is going to have a boy this March. It SUCKS. Capital S. I mean this is just the worlds most unfair crap (excuse my language).

I already know all the women here deserve more then anything to get to be called mommy. In any way we can. And when each cycle it does not happen I hurt for everyone one of us. Whether it be a failed cycle or the opportunity for a child in another way it plain stinks.

All I can do is pray every day that I understand the big plan and hope that understanding gets us all one stop closer to our dream.

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
In reply to: amyb
Mon, 01-03-2011 - 10:03pm
Lots of Hugs for you amy. As others have said, it is impossible to go through IF without some feelings of bitterness and anger.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2011
In reply to: amyb
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 3:41pm

I had a really hard time getting over the fact that I was never going to carry my own child, even though people say when you adopt you will still have those same feelings. I know the point of adoption is to give a baby (or older child) a stable home with parents who love him/ her. But to be honest, Massachusetts sucks as far as adoption unless you go through the state. A regular domestic adoption of an infant as far as I could tell was close to thirty thousand dollars. For what? Why would the lawyer fees for an infant adoption cost more than the adoption of an older child? Who gets the money? It is because infants are higher demand and to me that is buying a baby, which is supposed to be illegal. Massachusetts doesn't allow private adoptions, why? Because then they don't get the money. So for instance if I was to adopt the infant mentioned in my first post, I would have had to adopt him through the state of New Hampshire where he was born, and fake like I had a residence in New Hampshire to do so.

And to top it off, I am the director of a day care center so I have to see pregnant people all the time. The particular center that I work in has many families with the same situations that you described with your SIL. Families who keep popping them out so they can get freebies from the state. Not everyone is in that category of course, there are some hard working families who just can't make ends meet, but each time a family comes in and says they're pregnant yet again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
In reply to: amyb
Tue, 01-04-2011 - 4:01pm

Amy I am so sorry to hear this struggle has been going on so long and you are going through so many emotions. IF is so hard because you struggle through so much and society makes us feel we have to be silent through it.

I wish I could offer more help or answers. As to the adoption questions I am not sure. I know from doing my own research (very little to be honest) that some agencies say they had no age restriction but then others say they have certain criteria. I know just looking up agencies helped me understand the process a bit. I am the type of person who likes to understand everything and all options so that was big for me.

I wish people like our SIL would not get pregnant and take for granted the miracle. Or worse (in my SIL case) have a baby just so you are not alone.

I really hope that if nothing else you find the support you need here. Sometimes knowing that there are others who you can speak to and know they understand helps. I know in my case it really has. ((Big Hug))

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2007
In reply to: amyb
Sat, 01-08-2011 - 8:09am

I can tell you from being on this board for several years now, you won't be flagged for sharing your feelings. IF is so difficult and hurtful and it's easy to hate every pregnant woman you come across, even sometimes the ones that also took the IF journey. So don't feel bad for venting. Sorry you've not been successful yet, but you'll get there even if it's through adoption and you do still have a few years to go before you're "old". Good thing you were able to start young. I went 8 years before going to a fertility clinic and it took another 5 years to finally be successful. I was 40 when I finally had my daughter. So hang in there and good luck.

Karen S


Samantha Kelly ~i~ 7/31/07