Frustrated

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
Frustrated
8
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 4:29pm

So I haven't posted to much lately but do lurk every once in awhile. It is nice to see all the BFP happening. I am reallyexcited for everyone but it does sting a little seeing them. I wish I could be there right next to everyone enjoying the moment. So, since right before Christmas I started spotting. I was like great AF is starting so I can get back to normal. Spotted for a week very lightly. I did not need to wear a liner and then she disappreared. I just brushed it off as having a really light AF. 2 days later the witch decides to show again but like before only spotting. This has continued now for almost 3 weeks. I spot then it goes away and then I spot again. I decided to take a pg test to rule out being pregnant. Went to the bathroom to take test and full AF. Now I am panicking I am having a mc again. Took my test and while I was waiting for the results I just kept praying to God please do not let me be pregnant to have another mc. Test was negative. Big sigh of relief. I call the clinic today because this spotting is just not normal. I am not sure what is going on with my body but something is not right. Well they want me to come in for a Beta. Really!!!!

Me ~ 31  DH ~ 33  TTC #1 since August 2002. Dealing with mild Endo, PCOS, D

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2010
In reply to: ruonaka
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 5:47pm
Well, I won't leave you hanging here with the honesty....and I'll do you one better. All the recent BFPs don't just sting for me, I've been outright crying. You know, the usual pity party....why can't it be me? Will it ever be my turn? Will I ever have a child? I am truly happy for, particularly, each IF gal that gets pregnant and has a baby, and, so, my emotions aren't directed at them...but the emotions of sadness and anger are there all the same. How could they not be? iF is just a nightmare we all feel trapped in and just want out of....and not one thing about it makes sense. When I got my BFP, the other gals were not having great cycles....so I knew, of course, while they were happy for me, they were sad for themselves. Rightfully so. For Heather I imagine it was even more difficult because we were so close together in our ivf cycles. And now just look at how it has changed....I miscarried and hopefully Heather will go on to deliver from a natural pregnancy! I just hate IF so much, and while I have to be honest and say it does hurt that it's not me, too, I want woman after woman to beat it! This is such a hard forum to be a part of....at any given time, there will be those who are pregnant and relatively happy (but scared, too) and then there will be some who are, yet again, grieving. I hope all with the recent good news will finally go on to deliver their long awaited babies....I already dread that there will probably be one or more who don't. We all know that sadness, too well, and only experience it again when it happens to one of us. I really hate that...I'd much rather see the good news than the sad and worrisome updates. Katrina, also, in the spirit of being honest....you should know how jealous I am of you! I wish I had so many little frozen ones waiting for me...I know already that I would much rather do fet than a fresh ivf. Also, I wish I was younger, like you, and didn't have time weighing so heavily on my mind! As far as spotting, though I am just a week past D&C, I think I can relate....I spotted some to begin with....then didn't....and now I am again. It's....irritating. I'm so glad to hear you are focusing on yourself and your health...and not because it's about a baby, but because it's important for you!! As for a bit more about me, as I alluded to before crying about all the new BPFs, I am not completely in a zen place....I still have, quite a few, moments of IF pain....but, there is a side of me now that had been completely consumed before, that is coming back....the side that realizes that I love my life and I am happy. I don't know what will ultimately happen....if my DH and I will ever have kids together....we have just so much going against us, but....I hope I'm finally recognizing and moving past being pretty much literally obsessed with having a baby. I feel more relaxed and calm. It's...a better place to move forward from, for sure. Anyway, just know that you are not alone....I'm also feeling this very deeply and I know all the other ladies understand, too! I hope we will be toasting to your success real soon! Do follow up on the spotting issue...it's better to be safe than sorry...and I hope you can get your body ready for some baby nestling as soon as possible!
KayLa (36)... so many fertility issues betweeen DH and I. Diagnosed with Hashimoto's.
TTC naturally since June 2009
IVF #1 November 2010...BFP....early M/C
FET #1 April 2011...BFP...beta 10, 29, 460.
Heartbeat seen via u/s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
In reply to: ruonaka
Mon, 01-10-2011 - 8:59pm
I've been feeling the same way as both of you. I am truly happy for all the ladies on here who have gotten their BFPs, but today when I logged on and saw all of the announcements I confess I got a little upset. A big part of it is the I have nothing going on at the moment and so I feel like everyone is moving forward and I'm just always stuck. The past year has been a huge baby boom with my circle of friends, and everytime I turn around some other celebrity is announcing their pregnancy. So this morning when I came here to check on the latest, I saw like 3 BFP announcements and my mood just sank. I had a major case of the "why me's"....feeling like I am the only here not announcing happy news. I know that's not the case, but sometimes I just feel so alone in this. I am also so frustrated with myself and blaming myself for having these IF problems. Maybe if I would have taken better care of myself growing up, I wouldn't be dealing with this now. I have some weight to lose, but because I'm feeling sad about not having what I want most in life, I eat. I'm so mad at myself for gaining back the 30 lbs I lost last year. And now a few weeks away from my 34th birthday, and that's weighing on my mind. One more year, and I'm considered advanced maternal age. When my mom was my age, she had four kids! I'm really trying not to focus on the negatives so much but it's hard because that's all there seems to be.

Jemma (35) and DH, (37). Married October 13, 2007 and TTCing since April 2008. Dealing with PCOS, swollen tubes, and also MFI. Committing myself to getting healthy and losing weight in preparation for IVF later in 2012.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2010
In reply to: ruonaka
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 1:35pm

I almost feel bad responding to your post today!

~ Meron born 12-09-11 after 3 1/2 years of TTC, IUIs and IVF.
~ #2 on the way(!) and due 06-06-13.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
In reply to: ruonaka
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 2:07pm

I completely agree Heather, I've been on this board for over a year and people have come and gone quickly. I remember at one point in time feeling very envious/bitter when there was a crop of BFPs...then a few of them m/c and I realized we are all in the same boat. And honestly...good for the those folks that get out of here quick. I know it stings the rest of us, but I would have given anything to be one of them. I think we all would. It doesn't make it hurt any less, but I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I also think having a m/c really changes everything. I used to think that I just wanted to at least know I could get pg...but the pain of a m/c is like nothing I have ever felt before...particularly when it takes so freaking long to get pg in the first place!!! Then it completely robs you of any joy on your next BFP...which is

-Jamie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2009
In reply to: ruonaka
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 7:03pm

I've been wanting to reply to your post, too.

Finally pregnant after 3 yrs of ttc and 3 losses. Lilypie Pregnancy tickers EDD: 9/18/11
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2011
In reply to: ruonaka
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 10:08pm

I know what you are feeling also......my homepage came up today with news of three celebrity pregnancies (I hadn't even had coffee yet!). And you can't go to the grocery store without seeing a pregnant woman, or go a WHOLE day without a text message from a friend with "the latest" on her baby and it is hard. From the depths of my soul, I want to be leaping for joy for the ladies that have been "down in the trenches" with us and made it out with a BFP. But I can't and it probably makes me a bad person, but I don't care. I want it to be all of us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2005
In reply to: ruonaka
Tue, 01-11-2011 - 10:41pm

I am truly happy for those who have graduated. No ones knows

Me ~ 31  DH ~ 33  TTC #1 since August 2002. Dealing with mild Endo, PCOS, D

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
In reply to: ruonaka
Wed, 01-12-2011 - 2:40pm

Hey Ladies,

Let me just say you are all SO not alone. After my BFP then BFN I was so depressed I felt like this group was haunting me. Which is terrible because then I felt the guilt of abandonment. I just could not emotionally take the BFP going so well. It is not that I am not happy for everyone, like you all said, it is just SO hard. IF is such a haunting and painful thing to go through. It is hard to see things happen so easily for others when you feel like every time you turn around you hit another road block.

I am glad all of you ladies are here and because of this I am able to breath and come back here. I really hoping all of us can get that firm and sticky BFP soon.

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009