How our parents deal with our IF
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|Fri, 10-17-2008 - 11:30pm|
I know that this has been touched on in some other posts, but I'm curious how your own parents and/or in-laws have dealt with your IF. Do they know about it, and are they sensitive/insensitive? Do they not know for sure but suspect? Do they not know at all but drop insensitive kid-related comments to you and/or your spouse all the time?
In my case, my parents had ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUE conceiving myself or my siblings. None whatsoever - the opposite, in fact. My mom really has been great about trying to put herself in my position, and try to imagine how I feel - having found out while my late husband was dying that I might have a health/fertility condition (PCOS), being widowed in my late 20s, getting remarried, and then finally trying for kids years after I'd hoped to already be a mother... only to find that I definitely do have PCOS, and am pretty much not ovulating, which of course poses a huge problem for trying to get PG! A far cry from my mom getting pregnant without really trying with all of us, but she really seems to have tried to empathize.
However, even though he does mean well, my dad has no clue about what this is like for us, and just doesn't seem to have made all that much effort to imagine how we both feel (especially me because I'm his child, for heaven's sake). He seems to have trouble grasping how huge this is for us as a couple, for our lifestyle, our expectations, mental state, etc. (Part of it is that I think he still can't deal with the idea of his little girl having sex, even though his "little girl" is 32 and a remarried widow!)
I actually had a "heated discussion" with my father about the issues surrounding work and pregnancy/kids. He started saying, "I don't think there is much you can really say, and it would be a HUGE MISTAKE if you complained." As though I don't have the right to my feelings, or the right to point out that so gratuitously displaying baby pictures and bringing in your kid to play in your office during business hours is more than a little insensitive to those who have fertility problems and/or don't want their office environment to look like it's half a day care center. (Having my teaching license, having worked at a day care in the past, and having my current company be based on education for young children, I can say this without being totally snide.) That really hurt.
I pointed out to my father that, particularly in a work situation, you just don't know who you're hurting by being insensitive about kids/pregnancy issues. Yes, it may be that woman who has been married a few years and just smiles a little strained smile when she has to listen to pregnancy blah-blah-blah. But it could also be the young married GUY whose wife who has a sperm issue, and is feeling bad that he can't get his wife PG while that jerk down the hall has had three kids with his bimbo second wife, while he ignores his kids from his first marriage. You just don't know.
And I also pointed out, how is putting in a complaint about someone who has plastered the wall next to their office in a ridiculous amount of baby pictures forcing everyone on that floor to constantly see their child any different than the woman 30-40 years ago who complained about the scantily-clad pinup pics some guys had up in their offices? Back then, that was considered either just normal to have those pics, or at least not something you should complain all that much about for fear of "making trouble". Now, it is NOT acceptable to have up such pics in most workplaces, precisely because some women DID speak up. I truly see little difference between the change in the acceptability of pinup pics vs. overbearing amounts of child pics etc. put up in a workplace now. Both are at best insensitive and at worst outright offensive to those who are marginalized by each one (i.e. women in the first case, and anyone with any fertility issues).
Anyway, to my dad's credit, he at least heard me out. I still think he mostly doesn't agree with me, but I like to think I may have at least given him a bunch of thinking points, especially since he clearly had put little thought into how hard it is for me to be going through this, and how certain work situations could make that even harder for me and others with IF.
*off my soapbox now, end rant*
Anyone else want to talk about how your parents deal with your IF, discussions you may have had with them (or want to have with them), in-laws, etc.?
KJ (32) & DH (39) PCOS Dx 3/04, confirmed 6/08 Off BCP since 12/07; irregular cycles (42-96 days long) Ovulated right off pill 1/08, but likely no O since (possible unsuitable O?)
(8/08): Clomid 100mg round; NO O; Cannot take Clomid again due to visual s/e
(10/08): Follistim 75; MANY follicles developing all at once after a week; RE suggests converting cycle to IVF. Waiting for confirmation of additional follicle growth / IVF plan.