The Hurt in my Heart - m

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Registered: 04-09-2003
The Hurt in my Heart - m
11
Tue, 11-04-2008 - 12:35am

I'm feeling sad . . . I wrote this, and I know you all can relate.


~ Lauren
TTC #1 for over 11 yrs.


____________________


Infertile . . . that word makes my stomach hurt.  It makes me want to throw up. 


Who would have ever imagined that would be me?  I still don't believe it.  I think I am living someone else's life.  This could not possibly be me.  I cannot possibly be unable to have children!


How is this fair, how is this right?  Of all the people in the world, I was the one who was destined to be a mother, how could I not be able to get pregnant?  What did I do to deserve this?


Growing up all I ever thought about, dreamed about and longed for was to be a wife and mother.  I never would have thought 11 years into my marriage I would still be trying to have a baby.


I'm the friend they all talk about, the one who doesn't fit in with the newlyweds, the one who can't hang with the new Mom's and the one who couldn't possibly understand the life of a family Mom with more than one child.


I don't belong anywhere.  I am the one who was left behind.


I am Infertile, the Childless one, and the loner who you stare at.


I am also the one who cries herself to sleep at night.  Who fears of never having that joyous experience of giving birth.  I sit at home alone and long for my child, for my family, for that life.


I want to share my childhood memories with my own child, I want to share my traditions, my dreams, my goals, I want to share my life with my own child.


I may never have that option.


Who will take care of me when I am old?  Who will make sure I am doing ok when I am in the nursing home?  Who will come visit me and send me pictures?


All I really want to know is WHY?  Why did this happen?  Why me?


Every day I die of a broken heart.


Every day I dream of what should be, what I long for, what I am missing out on.


Every day I see someone else with their baby or child and I long to have what they have.


I feel like giving up on life, yet I know that I cannot.  I feel like getting in my car and going away . . . far far away.  But that I know I cannot do either.


I want to hide, I want to crawl into a hole and escape.  I want to curl in a ball and bury my head.


I want to protect my heart, protect my soul from the pain of this.  It's been so long, I don't feel like I can make it much longer.  I feel like I really am loosing a part of who I am with every passing month.


Is that really possible?  Can you really loose yourself through this process? 


I imagine the sad truth is that there are probably women out there who really have lost so much from this disease.  I imagine they will never be the same again, because I know I personally will never be the same. 


I know I am not alone, but I feel that way.


I know no one can possibly imagine the true depths of this pain unless they have stood in my shoes.


Is it possible to be happy when you have such a shattered heart?  Is there a way to mend?


Can I move on from this?  Can I let this go?


I try to not think about it; I try to pretend like I have not REALLY been trying to get pg, and that when I REALLY finally try it will happen.


I feel like I am mentally crazy.  I talk to myself inside my head.  I tell myself things trying to convince myself of something that really isn't true.  I try and pretend like I am not really 30, and that I have not really been trying to have a baby for over 11 years.  I sometimes think I believe myself.


Infertility makes me angry, really angry.  It makes me violent.  It makes me want to throw something, break something, tear something up.  I want to let someone else feel pain like I do.  But even that wouldn't really make me feel better.  Even that pain would not compare to the pain I am going through.


It's a never-ending battle.  It's a vicious cycle.  It's my life.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Tue, 11-04-2008 - 2:23am
((((((HUGS))))))
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Tue, 11-04-2008 - 7:31am

dear lauren,

(((((hugs))))) you sure have found people who understand this. your siggy says it all in such an eloquent way. my therapist says that for some women, the longing to have a child is like breathing; no one would ever question your "choice" to breathe or ask if you really need to, it is a basic need. it sounds like you've been waiting to breathe for 11 yrs. please know that all of us here understand and support you. sending baby dust your way...

ana


TTC since Sept '06. Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07 (w/ fresh TESA), FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days.

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Tue, 11-04-2008 - 8:03am

Hi Lauren,


((HUGS)).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Tue, 11-04-2008 - 9:40am

Wow...

        

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Tue, 11-04-2008 - 11:46am
WOW Lauren.
  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Tue, 11-04-2008 - 8:31pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Tue, 11-04-2008 - 11:01pm

Hi Lauren,


I understand your fears and your thoughts. I'm so very very sorry you are living through this right now. I know this may not help you right now but I will pray for you and I do believe in positive speech and thoughts. 11years of this is a long time to keep those positive thoughts so I will try and have those for you tonight! Again, I'm so very sorry. Hang in there!

ttc08-09.gif TTC in 2008 image by hoppingcat

Me-30, DH newly 34, diagnosed with PCOS in Nov/Dec 2008. 3 Failed cycles of Clomid. (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) Started working with RE Nov 26. Asked for & started M

Avatar for mlswalker
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 11-05-2008 - 12:57pm

Thank you all so much for reading and for your kind replies.


It means a lot to me.


(((Hugs)))


Love, Lauren

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 3:09am

Thank you, for being so honest and so strong. You said everything I feel. My heart feels like it is constantly being ripped in two. I still have joys and friends but it is always just that little bit empty. LIke you I don't fit anywhere, I have grown apart from my friends with children, I am too old for the newlyweds. sometimes I feel like the world is spinning so fast and I can't walk straight, like I can't breathe, I feel so incomplete.
Your email touched me so much, this world is not fair, there are so many unfit mothers and far too many of us who want it so bad, and can't have it.
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts, I think you are amazing

Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 11:57pm
Dani...

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