I don't believe anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
I don't believe anymore
16
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 6:51pm

Hi all,


I am in the 2WW with another week to go before I POAS but I don't believe I will ever see a BFP anymore. I feel as if I am doomed for failure no matter what and I'm very depressed about it. This is on top of not getting a promotion that was promised to me back in September that should have taken effect as of January 1st. I feel very down on myself and like I can't succeed at the two things that a 21st century woman is supposed to do: 1) Do well professionally and 2) fulfill my biological imperative.


I have called a therapist whom I hope to see soon but in the meantime I need to share with you guys. Thanks.


34 years old, Dh is 38; TTC 16 months. DX - hormonal irregularities but was told by two REs that I will get pg one day soon; did 3 Clomid-IUI cycles- #1 BFN; #2 chemical pregnancy; #3 BFP but lost it immediately. Now doing acupuncture and herbs for a natural, unmedicated cycle, but I am taking lots of supplementation including estrogen in a patch, progesterone suppositories, prescription folic acid and baby aspirin.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 7:02pm

(((HUGS)))


I am so sorry. I can't imagine the toll this takes on all of you as I am not TTC, but I do understand the wanting a baby so bad and seeing so many unfit mothers have baby after baby like it's nothing. I understand the anger and feelings of failure that our bodies can't seem to do the one thing we are made to do. That the only BFP's we've had have ended in tragedy and heart break. It's not fair at all, and I wish so bad that I could make this easier, not just for myself but for everyone. I am glad that you decided to seek out some help for yourself and I sincerely hope that it works and you start to feel better. Not only that but that you get a BFP and that beautiful baby you so rightfully deserve!





Me: Amy, not TTC/MC 2005/NFP method showed no O some months/Finally O in December!/Dx with PCOS December 2008/starting


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 8:50pm

( ( ( ( H U G S ) ) ) )

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 8:58pm

Well, if it isn't my old support group buddies!!! You guys are great and I missed you lots! Thanks for the kind thoughts. I have to remember that I am wrong, IF and job titles DO NOT define me! The real me is the me that just IS, and it's good enough. The same goes for all of us. I really appreciate the support. This is my least favorite time of the year, Jan-March. I hate hate hate it. It's cold and grey and dark and there are no real holidays (MLK day doesn't get families together, now does it?). Trying to survive.....


Thanks again.


34 years old, Dh is 38; TTC 16 months. DX - hormonal irregularities but was told by two REs that I will get pg one day soon; did 3 Clomid-IUI cycles- #1 BFN; #2 chemical pregnancy; #3 BFP but lost it immediately. Now doing acupuncture and herbs for a natural, unmedicated cycle, but I am taking lots of supplementation including estrogen in a patch, progesterone suppositories, prescription folic acid and baby aspirin.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 8:58pm

((((HUGS)))) Caren.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2007
Tue, 01-06-2009 - 9:29pm
(Hugs,) Caren!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 9:39am

Hi Caren,
I agree! Do not let these things define you. Especially the job right now, no one is having a good time professionally. My company froze all promotions, salary increases, bonuses, etc.

I also have to chime in on the time of year issue. I always get sad this time of year. No holidays, crap weather, nothing to look forward to. It can be a real drag on your mood. Know you are not alone, many people go through this. Some therapists even recommend light therapy!

Big Hugs to you with your struggles.

Kelly


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 9:46am

Oh my sweet caren!


((HUGS)) I am sorry to hear you are given a lot of lemons right now.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 1:49pm

Caren,


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 2:59pm

oh caren,


(((((hugs))))) first, i'm glad you've called a therapist. mine has been a light when everything was dark. after all the bfns i had, i felt i didn't believe this could ever happen, yet couldn't stop trying. i was finally able to see that that was my way of trying to protect myself from more disappointment (as if a bfn hurts less if you're expecting it). IF is such a cruel experience. if you felt like i did, nothing anyone could say or do would fix it, only a bfp could. but know that we're all here for you. and in the midst of this seemingly solitary experience, there are others who share it. finally, know that not believing it's possible has no impact whatsoever on the outcome. i kept being told that, and now finally believe it.

ana


TTC since Sept '06. Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07. IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze). IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07 (w/ fresh TESA), FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer). IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42). 1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days.

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Wed, 01-07-2009 - 7:08pm
Thanks again, all. I saw the therapist today and she said that she really doesn't believe in the mind body connection and that stress doesn't impact getting pg. I don't know whether to believe that, though...She is a bit of an IVF pusher, said I won't feel better until I get pg and that IVF is the best way to get pg, but I told her I wasn't ready for that....I think I am going to talk to my boss on Friday afternoon just to touch base. I just feel underappreciated and my morale is low. In June my two colleagues got promos and I work so much harder than them and I hate that I was passed over. I wrote a proposal that raised half a million for my company and the president liked it so much he published the whole thing in his book as an example of great writing. So why is my boss not recognizing that?! Anyway........onward and upward, right? Thanks all for listening.


34 years old, Dh is 38; TTC 16 months. DX - hormonal irregularities but was told by two REs that I will get pg one day soon; did 3 Clomid-IUI cycles- #1 BFN; #2 chemical pregnancy; #3 BFP but lost it immediately. Now doing acupuncture and herbs for a natural, unmedicated cycle, but I am taking lots of supplementation including estrogen in a patch, progesterone suppositories, prescription folic acid and baby aspirin.

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