I feel defective! ( this is a vent)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
I feel defective! ( this is a vent)
8
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 7:52pm

 I am sorry for this vent.  It is long and negative.  Please dont be annoyed with me but I needed to vent to someone.   I don't know who else to talk to that will understand.  I feel guilty for coming to all of you when you have probably been trying longer and harder compared to us, I don't know.  I feel inadaquate and jealous.  I am angry and sad and I feel defective, like less of a woman than those around me.   When all around me people are saying, " Oh, we are trying to decide when to have our....whichever one they are on!


DH and I have been trying for almost 2 years a baby.  We met later, I am 39 and DH is 42.  we tried for a year with no success.  Then we began the IVF roller coaster.  We got to go right to the "head of the class" frin the beginning ( remember when that used to be a good thing!) Not this time.  We were told I had POF.  quality and quantity very bad.  0-3% chance, if we were lucky with a very high rate of miscarriage.  Skip IVF, IUI, only option open we were told is donor egg. Still we hoped and tried a bit more on our own for that lucky egg.  Finally, luckily, my cousin offered to be there for us when if came down to it.  We had one shot, my cousin only here from Costa Rica for a short time and finance being the way it is we could not afford to go with an unknown donor.   We get on the excited band wagon again!  Everything went smooth but only 6 eggs were retrieved....2 did not fertilize, one only grew to 4 cell the other fragmented.  Ok, there are 2 good embryos!  Yeah, here we go....NOT!  Why? How come?  and no one can give us answers.  Being that I am going to be 40 in a month and a half,  options are limited yet again. 


You see we were only approved for 1 cycle due to everything.  To try again insurance says I have to do a clomid challange.  I have failed the last 2 I have done.  Add that to the big 40 and we are doomed before we begin.  To top it off I am coming off all the hormones,  my period began 2 days after that.  My hormones are everywhere and I am having hot flashes every half hour!   I am sorry to go on and be so negative.  I know there must be some reason why...can someone please give me a glimmer of what that might be?


Thank you for listening to mhy vernt....I apoligize...I don't want to be so negative for everyone else...I guess I am just spinning

db
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 9:30pm
(((HUGS))) Honey I totally understand.
  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 9:50am

((Hugs)) Welcome to the board Bake14.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 10:17am

Don't apologize, that is part of why we are all here I think.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 4:18pm

hi there,


(((((hugs))))) you're among women who totally understand what you're going through. you don't need to apologize for venting; this is the place to do it! welcome to the board, although i hope your stay here isn't long. we, too, started w/ ivf right away since dh has azoospermia (no sperm in semen) and our only hope was ivf/icsi. well, 3 cycles later we were told there's no hope. we've since moved on to donor sperm, and i really hope it's going to work. i understand the anger, jealousy, sadness, frustration. IF is all-consuming and to make matters worse, most people aren't understanding, even if they try to be. i've lived in fear waiting to hear another pg announcement or be asked the dreaded question "are you going to have kids?" the only thing that's helped me move on from 1 cycle to another is having a plan. if that might be helpful to you, you might want to sit down w/ RE and decide what your next step(s) will be. please know that we're all here for you!!!!!

ana


TTC since Sept '06. Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07 (w/ fresh TESA), FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days.

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2007
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 8:13pm

db
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Thu, 11-13-2008 - 11:05am
Baby showers are tough.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-26-2006
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 3:04am

There is one thing I can tell you.. NEVER feel guilty for how you feel. What you are going thru is the worst possible thing for a woman. What we all go thru is hard enough without the guilt we put on ourselves along the way. I know how you feel, I feel like my body has failed me, that my whole reason in this world for being here is somehow defective. No one will understand like us. That is why we are here. I have lost a husband and 3 very close friends thru my infertility, and all the time I tried to be so strong, not let people see how much it got me down when inside I just felt like screaming. I started IVF with my last husband but we walked away just before pick up. I am one of the ones that medicine can't explain. There is no reason but 6 years later, 4 cycles of clomid, acupuncture and chinese herbs I am still trying. Some days I feel like I can't go on but we do... it is in-biult. We survive. Any time you need to cry, vent, scream or just talk, I am only an email away if you want.
I wish you luck and strength on your journey.

Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Mon, 11-17-2008 - 9:41am

Welcome (back) to the board Dani,


I am really sorry to hear you are having to go through the pain of IF.

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