I had a bad day...
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|Fri, 04-16-2010 - 10:30pm|
As I get closer to O and more concerned about my partner's travel schedule, I've felt myself getting emotional about TTC again. I went to work feeling tired and stressed from a busy week, and feeling TTC anxiety. I ran into one of the grad students in my department who is an absolutely sweet, kind woman. She has a ten month old, so I asked how the baby is doing. She answered and then said, "well what about you? It's time for you to have a baby!" She has no idea I've been TTC or that I have infertility issues, so of course she thought it was just a friendly question. For some reason, it cut me to my core (you know, the core in which my malfunctioning woman parts reside?!) and it took everything in my power not to cry. I did get tears in my eyes but just told her maybe someday. Then I went to my office, closed the door, cried, then had to head off to a meeting.
I'm not at all upset with the graduate student, I just feel so sad that I'm not pg or a mother yet, and my happiness that the surgeon was able to fix my tubes has been replaced with lots of fears- what if the repair work doesn't hold? What if that was just one problem of many? What if my partner is never home when I O (timing worked out in previous cycles, but of course now I know it was all in vain since I never had a shot of getting pg then)? What if I get the BFP to be followed by an ectopic diagnosis, since I am high risk for that? What if I just never get a BFP? I think her question caught me off guard and brought those fears to the surface.
So I had a bad day. I hope tomorrow is better. I also hope pray wish for an early O so I have a shot this cycle.
Sorry, so many of you have been at this so much longer with much more difficult diagnoses and horrible losses, so I feel bad whining, but gosh, it really felt like a long, sad day.