No Mom's Day card after loss of child?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
No Mom's Day card after loss of child?!
15
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 2:17pm

I have a bone to pick with the card makers and card stores.  I recently got back in touch with a good friend from high school.  She’s starting on the road of fertility treatments.  In 2007, she and her DH lost their baby daughter a few days after birth from a heart defect.  I went to a large card store looking for a Mother’s Day card for her.  I ended up asking an employee when I couldn’t find a card.  They had ONE card in the huge row of Mother’s Day cards, but even that one was generic and was labeled as Care/Concern.  And, then I didn’t like the wording because it took away from the acknowledgement that she should be celebrated as a mother even though it’s understandably a difficult day. 


They had so many Mother’s Day cards...ones for Like a Mother to me, ones from the dog, ones from the cat, funny ones, ones for Ex-MIL, a couple for people who had lost their mother, but none for a parent who had lost a child!  Those mothers need acknowledgement and cards too. 


I looked through the Mother’s Day cards from friends and the ones from daughters and the more generic ones, but there was always some wording that I didn’t like or wasn’t appropriate.  I went to another card store and didn’t have luck there either.  I finally found a generic Mother’s Day card that seemed to work.  It had a butterfly on the outside that said “A Wish for You” and on the inside it talked about her being a special woman who deserves to be celebrated and a wish for a wonderful Mother’s Day.  I liked that it had the butterfly because they released butterflies at the cemetery on their daughter’s first birthday and she has a lot of butterfly jewelry and mementos in remembrance of her.  I ended up writing a message inside to her and a poem I had found online as if it had been from her daughter. 


While I had planned to write a personal note inside anyway, it would have been nice to be able to find a card or a few cards to choose from that were specifically written for a mother who had lost a child.  It’s strange to me that there aren't cards, especially because it’s not only mothers that lose babies, there are mothers that lose older children and even grown children.

Me (30), DH (31)  Photobucket since March '06.
4/07 & 5/07 & 6/07: Clomid 50mg - All BFN
8/07 & 9/07: IUI #1 & #2 w/ Femara - Both BFN
10/07: IUI #3 w/ Femara - BFP!, m/c at 7w 5d :(
3/08: IUI #4 w/ Femara & Follistim - BFN
4/08: IUI #5 w/ Follistim,converted to IVF #1- 2 embies transferred - BFN
6/08: IUI #5 w/ Femara & Follistim - BFN
7/08 to 9/08: IVF #2- 2 embies transferred - BFN
10/08: IUI #6 w/ Femara & Follistim - BFP!, m/c :(
11/08: IUI #7 w/ Femara & Follistim - BFN 
2/09 to 3/09: IVF #3- Day 5 ET of 2 blasts - BFP!, m/c :(
DH's chromosome testing abnormal, moving forward with DS
5/09 to 9/09: 3 canceled attempts at IVF #4
10/09 to 11/09: IVF #4 w/DS- Day 2 ET of a 2-cell embie - BFP!
Beta 15 dpER = 152, Beta 18 dpER = 690
7wk u/s: Heartbeat! 134 bpm, OB u/s: Buggie's growing, h/b 166 bpm
1/13/10 appt: Heartbeat's gone :( D&C at 11w, baby's chromosomes abnormal & shows baby was a boy.

2/10 to 4/10: IVF #5 w/DS. Day 3 ET of 2 embies. 3 embies on ice. BFP! Beta 16dpER = 338, Beta 19 dpER = 1144
7 wk u/s: Both embies implanted, but one stopped growing at 6 wks. :(  Other baby had a h/b of 134 bpm!
Next u/s on 5/13. Thinking sticky peanut butter thoughts!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2008
Sat, 05-08-2010 - 8:13pm
That is so irritating! I think you should write to Hallmark about it. They are a big enough brand to carry something like that.
Erin & Ryan SigPhotobucket

Erin & Ryan Sig
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 1:23am
Very true Grace!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2007
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 9:49am

Grace,


I have to say it is very thoughtful of you to think about your friend. As someone in her shoes I was told "your still a mother" but not 1 person has ever acknowlged me on mothers day as a childless parent. My sister has mentioned after the fact for the past 2 years

Karen S


Samantha Kelly ~i~ 7/31/07


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 10:58am

Erin, I


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:04am

I feel the same way and I don't think family and friends should forget that when celebrating Mother's Day.


Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:13am

Karen, that is exactly it, I was telling my DH the same thing!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:21am
There absolutely should be something out there for women who lose children, whether after birth or before. Again, people just are uncomfortable and would rather ignore the fact. It is really sad. You are a great friend acknowledging your friend in that way, I am sure it will be very touching to her.






Kelly


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2008
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 11:22am
Hugs Karen and Happy Mother's Day, you absolutely deserve to be recognized along with anyone who has suffered a loss.






Kelly


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 3:48pm
I'm sorry nobody acknowledges Mother's Day for you Karen. It is tricky in that people don't want to make it worse for you but by avoiding it they are hurting you worse. Happy Mother's Day!!!!

:) Jess
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2007
Sun, 05-09-2010 - 7:02pm

You know, when I really think about it, it's not that "I" want to be acknowledged as a mother but that it's people have forgotten that my child existed. And for all of us who have lost babies at all stages of a pregnancy, they are lost children. But I also try to remember that they were only important to me and my husband. No one else had any connection to them and even though Samantha was a "real" infant no one but us had a connection to her either because no one but us knew her. So our "children" really are not in the minds or hearts of others.

Karen S


Samantha Kelly ~i~ 7/31/07


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