not able to cope with PG friends/family!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
not able to cope with PG friends/family!
14
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 2:15pm

I don't know if I am just incredibly self-centred and selfish or if it is normal to find it incredibly difficult to deal with the pregnancies of friends and families.

I can't stop getting weepy every time someone else makes an announcement. Each 'wonderful news' moment feels like a pile drive.

I am now in my early thirties. My own school and university friends all seem to have had kids years ago. Now it is younger siblings, cousins, colleagues and friends who are pregnant.

I can't cope with the weekly photo updates of growing bumps, the daily staffroom discussion about kids and babies, or the 'wonderful news' phone calls and e-mails.

I am feeling so isolated. The only think women my age seem to talk about is babies and kids. I feel like there is this essential club I will never belong to. I cannot join in the conversation, and they seem unable to discuss anything else.

Every month, when my period comes yet again, I have to manage to pull myself together and get myself to work - inevitably, it seems that I run straight into a PG colleague swapping stories with other mums.

I sobbed after hanging up the phone when my younger brother announced they were PG. My husband found me crying and accused me of being selfish - but I just couldn't cope with another reinforcement of my failings. They are now due this week and I am at an absolute low.

Even when friends and family know some of the struggles we are going through, I can't help but feel a complete lack of sensitivity. I have been isolating myself more and more from everyone.

My husband and I went for a spa break this past weekend, hoping for some couple time and some quiet. We were surrounded by families with babies and young kids. I wanted to scream.

Is it normal for me to feel this way? When I try to detach from my emotions, I know I must seem like a really selfish person.

Does anyone else find it really hard to cope with other people's pregnancies? Does anyone have coping strategies that help them deal with this?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 2:41pm
oh jeeze I'm so sorry youre feeling like this. Fortunately though I can tell you i had the exact same feelings. I had a hard time going through my cousins pregnancy, and after the baby was born although i love that fatball very much it was difficult to have her the center of conversation everytime i talked to a family member. my aunts and grandmother often told me i needed "help" and how i was feeling wasnt normal. eventually i got sick of hearing it and told them i was acting exactly normal and if it didnt bother me there would be something wrong... and also how they would have never been strong enough to go through what i have and to listen to them talk all the way through it. After that the criticism stopped. Needless to say i just wanted you to know that its ok to feel like that. theres nothing wrong with you, and if your selfish so are thousands of other women going through this struggle. Wishing you lots of luck and a BFP soon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2009
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 3:21pm

Thank-you - it was pretty important for me to hear that. How are you managing the family stuff now? Does it get easier over time as she is growing up? Have you managed to develop a relationship with your cousin's child?

Thank you x

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2010
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 3:26pm

You are totally having "normal" feelings. I have felt and feel the same way. I have a BIL/SIL that got pregnant by "accident" when they were "sort of" dating 2 years ago. Now everything revolves around them and there little one...now they just got married and BaM!! off the pill for 2 months and they are pregnant again. I'm like....your kidding me!!!

Amy


TTC #1 since 2007--M/C  09/2008 *6 wks 3 days (on Clomid), M

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2009
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 3:37pm
you know it got easier after i spoke my mind. I stopped trying to keep my hurt inside because the things my family said were hurtful. My cousin and i have always been close, and she was actually one of the more supportive people during my clomid cycles, iui, and ivf. When the baby was born in august i almost forced myself to go over there once a week, and i do love her. It took a while for me to realize its not her- its everyone that makes me feel like its her. No one understands these feelings but us... they couldnt possibley. Even now that ive finally got my BFP im getting the "i dont knwo why you did all this" or "you shouldve waited a few more years before you spent all this money" and i want to scream and say talk to the one that purposely had the baby knowing she couldnt afford to ! it makes me crazy. but now i actually do say those things i stopped caring because they ignored my repeated attempts for support. luckily my husband never said anything like that to me im not sure how i wouldve reacted. Just know that sometimes you just have to vent, even if its on here. Feel free to email me with anything !
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2009
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 4:55pm
You are so normal and not even in the slightest bit selfish! And sometimes our DH's just don't understand which is why it's great this place exists, you can vent here all you want.

 

Kelly

I'm 38, DH is 42 and we are TTC #1. We've had 3 unexplained miscarriages and a bout with Asherman's Syndrome but we're determined.

BFP #4! - 1/
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 8:33pm

It is completely normal how you feel. Hearing pregnancy announcements can be so difficult, especially when it seems everyone in our lives is announcing one without an ounce of struggle. You're not selfish at all, it's natural to feel sad for yourself that you are not experiencing the same joy as those people announcing their pregnancy, especially when you've been waiting and hoping for so long. I know the baby talk at work can feel overwhelming too, especially because there isn't as easy an escape from it .

As far as coping strategies, protect yourself when you can. If there is a situation, like a baby shower for instance, that you find is going to be especially difficult, don't be afraid to take care of yourself and politely decline. Unfortunately, it's not as easy to get away from baby talk & baby bellies at work. If I was ever having a day when I knew I couldn't take the baby talk, I would try to keep myself busy with other work away from the group, so that it didn't appear rude to co-workers, but I didn't have to stay during the conversation. I know that may not be as easy in some offices though.

Another good strategy is to come here and vent as much as you need to. We're here to listen and you're always find understanding. You're not selfish. ((Hugs))

Me (30), DH (30)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2010
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 9:07pm

I very much understand where you are coming from. My little sister ended up pregnant by accident when her BC failed. The worst part was

Dixie

"Even miracles take a little time." ~ Fairy Godmother: Cinderella

TTC since April 2009

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2009
Tue, 05-04-2010 - 11:49pm

You are not alone in this! I am probably going to take a break from facebook because all I see are pg announcements, u/s pictures, complaints about morning sickness or overdue babies, and birth pictures. I am happy for all of them, but it makes me feel sadder for myself. Selfish? I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. I waited a long time to start my family only to find out it is going to be harder than I anticipated. I deserve to feel down about that. My partner gets frustrated with me when I get upset about new pg announcements. When I tell him that there was another pg announcement on facebook or email, he says, "well, yes, women do get pg." He then reminds me that someday I will get to post about it. I hope he is right, but sometimes, in my darkest days of TTC, I wonder if he is...

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I hope it feels better to know that lots of us feel your pain. Don't get me started about the approaching Mother's Day reminders that I am not a mother...

Andrea

Lilypie Maternity tickers


May Baby

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2010
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 9:13pm
Hello,
I found this site to try to help me cope with these same exact feelings that you had mentioned. It is so hard to hear co workers and friends or family stating there pregnant or expecting. I say congratulations to them but on the inside I am crying and hurt that I can't seem to ever experience that feeling of being pregnant.
I think I get upset to when I hear people complain about being pregnant at work. It is so hard to tune them out some days. I feel like saying well it least you have a kid or you are pregnant. I don;t ever really say it, but some times I am thinking it.
I am trying to figure out how to cope with this also, since it seems we have been trying for 3-4 years. We did some infertility work up but I don;t really want the stress of doing IVF and shots. Plus it also runs into a lot of money too. I just wish when people knew when they brag or complain about being pregnant that they need to consider who may be overhearing them. That someone else is having a hard time trying to get pregnant and to be considerate some times.
If anybody also has any coping mechanisms to get through work with 2 or 3 pregnant co workers please let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2009
Mon, 05-10-2010 - 11:15pm


Hello kf379- I'm sorry you are going through this. I also have a few colleagues expecting babies, and I found out this week-end that my cousin's girlfriend is "accidentally" pg. She already has 2 children by 2 different men, and my cousin already has 2 children. They get pg accidentally and I've basically committed my entire being into getting pg, to no avail! I wish so much that I had some advice for you, but I'm afraid I just have sympathy. I try to avoid them as much as possible, but that's of course not possible all the time. My wonderful partner cheers me up when he reminds me that someday it will be us making baby announcements, and that when we are finally expecting, we will know what a blessing it is and the disappointments of TTC will dissolve. I just get scared that we won't ever be the pg couple, but I am trying to keep the faith. Maybe when you see your pg colleagues you can take a moment or two to imagine getting a BFP or seeing a heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. Hang in there- I know it is very hard.

Andrea

Lilypie Maternity tickers


May Baby

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