Suffering Friendships

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Suffering Friendships
13
Sun, 11-09-2008 - 6:59pm

I don’t like how recently is has been incredibly tough for me to meet up with friends or answer their phone calls.  I got a phone call from a friend today…the one who likes to spread everyone’s news.  Recently I have come to dread seeing her name on the caller ID in fear that she will be calling to tell me someone else’s wonderful news that yet again someone else is pregnant.  I’m trying my best to stay in touch with friends…so I answered the phone…out of my own guilt of being a bad friend.  Then came the news it seems I was guaranteed to hear…another friend is pregnant with her 6-month boyfriend and they are getting married.  The friend calling doesn’t know that we have been TTC so I tried not to get upset when she asked if there was something she was out of the loop on and if I were pregnant as well.  I painstakingly told her I wasn’t.  She followed that by saying if you were pregnant I guess we could manage 3 baby showers.  3 baby showers!!  That was too much.  I never expected to hear of 2 pregnancies in one call.  It immediately seemed that I should have never answered the phone!  It seems my friend must have assumed I had already heard of the other pregnancy…I could not bring myself to ask who and make her aware that I hadn’t heard the news.  I have a feeling it’s a friend that we had just finished talking about who said she would start TTC in September.  I’m afraid if I heard it was indeed that person it would be way too much to handle.  As it is, even without knowing for sure and without asking how far along either of them were, I politely ended the conversation and feel like I'm in shock.  I’ve never wished any troubles for anyone TTC, but always hoped that mine would end before I heard the news of this person becoming pregnant.  My friend calling also wanted all of us…including the 2 that are pregnant…to meet up around Thanksgiving.  As of now, there is no way that I feel I could meet up with them.  I hate feeling guilty and feeling that I am such a terrible friend.  It’s not even that I’m jealous, I’m just sad for myself and that it’s not me calling with the good news.  I hate feeling that I can’t suck up my sad feelings to give others an enjoyable night and take joy in their good news that seems to come with ease for most of them. 


 


Me (28), DH (29). TTC #1 since March 2006.  3 unsuccessful rounds of Clomid & 3 IUI's with Letrozole. BFP on 3rd IUI, but had a miscarriage at 7w (A girl).  After, we tried another IUI with Follistim resulting in a cyst.  Our next IUI resulted in a conversion to IVF.  Since then, another IUI, a regular IVF cycle and now we are in the 2ww for our 6th IUI (this time with Letrozole & Follistim)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
Sun, 11-09-2008 - 10:02pm

**HUGS*** It isn't easy to hear of these pregnacies when you have been trying soo hard for so long to achieve the same thing.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Sun, 11-09-2008 - 11:18pm
Don't feel like a bad friend!!! This journey is hard enough sometimes without people shoving their oops or easy pregnancies in our faces. If you can't deal with meeting up with them, DON'T GO! Or, just go for 5 minutes. Give the excuse that you are very busy and just wanted to say hello.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 2:12am

I'm sorry. I've been there, and it sucks.

I have had luck with just being open with people about what's going on. I decided at one point in all of this that I was not going to skulk in the shadows and be ashamed. It's a medical condition that affects my life on a daily basis. Once people know, they tend to be pretty good about sharing with me or not sharing with me, and I have not yet had someone be offended if I said, "I'm so glad for ____, but it is painful for me to talk about other pregnancies right now. Please give her my best." Then I ring off, and sometimes they feel bad but they never get mad.

Good friends will see you through this. One way or the other, they will be there for you through the laughter and the tears, and they will understand when it's too much for you. People who don't are probably not friends.

Best wishes on your journey. It's good to have a place to vent, where others have been there. Thanks for sharing,
kris

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 4:48am
It does seem like friends all get pregnant at once. I have one friend that is due next month and one who is 5 months along. My bf's sister is also pregnant..it's a struggle to act happy for them all the time. If you do not feel up to seeing them, then don't. It is the holidays, I am sure bowing out with the excuse of being busy will do just fine. I don't know if I could handle it either. (((HUGS)))

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Mon, 11-10-2008 - 9:13am
Don't feel bad for wanting to protect yourself.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Tue, 11-11-2008 - 11:44pm

Thanks everyone for your advice.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 3:31pm

hi grace,


it's totally normal for you to feel that way! i have felt increasingly isolated from friends and family as i went through IF. it's all-consuming, and you're so vulnerable to everything...tv commercials, "announcements" from friends...at times i've felt there's no safe place, not even curled up in bed watching tv, because guess what? there's another show with a pg woman!!!!!! as you go through this, the most important thing to do is to take care of yourself, and to do that you need to allow yourself not to do things that will be hurtful right now. we're all here for you!

ana


TTC since Sept '06. Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07 (w/ fresh TESA), FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days.

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
Wed, 11-12-2008 - 3:40pm
I feel the same way. My sister called me awhile back to tell me my niece was pg. This niece has really bad problems inside and was told by 6 drs she would NEVER have a baby. She was on her way to schedule a hysterectomy and walah, she's pregnant. In the next sentence my sis said her son and his wife were also expecting. I have not really talked to her since. Be it rude or immature on my part, I just can't deal with it right now. When I am ready I will call her. When you are ready you will too. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 5:07pm

I totally understand- this is my first posting ever because In spite of the fact that I have good female friends, friends really don't understand. I have told my closest friends & I told them that I really don't want to dwell on it & stress out over it when I am with them because as much as they care about me, they can;t understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2008
Tue, 11-18-2008 - 7:35pm

That's a horrible thing for a friend to say.


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