Taking the Good with the Bad
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|Mon, 10-27-2008 - 12:30pm|
So I POAS on thursday and it was a BFN. (of course) But DH surprised me with a trip to Cleveland to take my mind off of things, and it helped. Actually it worked, I was so enthralled by Cleveland, I'm planning my trip back. However, on the 6 hour ride home, AF came. I successfully focused on what a great time I had in Cleveland so I wouldn't get too depressed about AF. Also, b/c of the herbs that I'm on, changing my diet and the regular adjustments from the Chiro, I'm noticing and HUGE difference in AF. Usually the first day of AF, is absolutely unbearable. I get the chills, and cold sweats, a fever, and dabilitating cramps. This time, I got very mild cramps (easily ignorable) no headache or nausea, no back pain at all, and my breasts are sore for the first time ever (as long as I've been paying attention to it) and I'm DOG tired (usually when AF comes I'm jumping off the walls). There is no doubt in my mind that this is all due to the treatment I've been getting from the Chiro. She said that she had a feeling that before AF my estrogen was at higher levels than my progesterone, when it should be the other way around (which is why I was so hyper during AF, estrogen is an adrenal hormone and progesterone is a more chill hormone). Hopefully my exhaustion is indicative of my rising progesterone levels. I'm trying to look at this as a great thing. Maybe my body is regulating itself and getting better to host a great pregnancy.
Still I'm back at that place where I'm wondering, when and if this will ever happen for me. I'm through being sad, I'm down right angry! My poor MIL is trying to help me through this, she tells me "ya know, it's not God that's doing this to you" yeah I get it, but if he's not doing it TO me then he's surely not paying great attention and doing anything about it. I don't think that God is holding out on me, I don't think he's "putting me through this", but I'm wondering why he's not intervening. Why is he LETTING this happen. Why he's allowing me to go through all this pain and this terrible process and creating miracles for people that don't deserve them. Am I angry at God, YUP!!!!! and I told him on thursday too! I'm in the tunnel and I see no light, there are people OUTSIDE OF THE DAMN TUNNEL that have never been inside the tunnel saying "it's ok, just relax and you'll get out of the tunnel" I'm just fed up with all the lost hope and the friggin up and down of everything.
PHEW, well that felt good, I think on the ride home now, I'm just gonna have a good cry!