Taking the Good with the Bad

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Taking the Good with the Bad
9
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 12:30pm

So I POAS on thursday and it was a BFN. (of course) But DH surprised me with a trip to Cleveland to take my mind off of things, and it helped. Actually it worked, I was so enthralled by Cleveland, I'm planning my trip back. However, on the 6 hour ride home, AF came. I successfully focused on what a great time I had in Cleveland so I wouldn't get too depressed about AF. Also, b/c of the herbs that I'm on, changing my diet and the regular adjustments from the Chiro, I'm noticing and HUGE difference in AF. Usually the first day of AF, is absolutely unbearable. I get the chills, and cold sweats, a fever, and dabilitating cramps. This time, I got very mild cramps (easily ignorable) no headache or nausea, no back pain at all, and my breasts are sore for the first time ever (as long as I've been paying attention to it) and I'm DOG tired (usually when AF comes I'm jumping off the walls).  There is no doubt in my mind that this is all due to the treatment I've been getting from the Chiro. She said that she had a feeling that before AF my estrogen was at higher levels than my progesterone, when it should be the other way around (which is why I was so hyper during AF, estrogen is an adrenal hormone and progesterone is a more chill hormone). Hopefully my exhaustion is indicative of my rising progesterone levels. I'm trying to look at this as a great thing. Maybe my body is regulating itself and getting better to host a great pregnancy.


Still I'm back at that place where I'm wondering, when and if this will ever happen for me. I'm through being sad, I'm down right angry! My poor MIL is trying to help me through this, she tells me "ya know, it's not God that's doing this to you" yeah I get it, but if he's not doing it TO me then he's surely not paying great attention and doing anything about it. I don't think that God is holding out on me, I don't think he's "putting me through this", but I'm wondering why he's not intervening. Why is he LETTING this happen. Why he's allowing me to go through all this pain and this terrible process and creating miracles for people that don't deserve them.  Am I angry at God, YUP!!!!! and I told him on thursday too! I'm in the tunnel and I see no light, there are people OUTSIDE OF THE DAMN TUNNEL that have never been inside the tunnel saying "it's ok, just relax and you'll get out of the tunnel" I'm just fed up with all the lost hope and the friggin up and down of everything.


PHEW, well that felt good, I think on the ride home now, I'm just gonna have a good cry!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 12:44pm
( ( ( ( H U G S ) ) ) ) I'm sorry AF showed up but it sounds like that things are changing for the better. I get horrible cramps but I'm always tired when AF comes, I could sleep the whole time.I'm so glad you admit you are mad at God. I am too but have never been able to say it. I think the same as you, why isn't He at least intervening. I know that things happen for a reason but I've lost a child and now I can't have another. Come on, give me a break. I've been angry, sad, angry again, sad again, sometimes I don't have any emotions left about this. Sending P&PT to you. Hope things do get better.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 1:30pm
Roman that is great that AF is being nicer too you.
  

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 1:51pm

hey roman,


it's so hard to positive, huh? i feel like i try to be as positive as i can, but there's no getting around the fact that the biggest thing in my life is not happening. (((hugs)))

ana


TTC since Sept '06. Diagnosed w/ PCOS, DH diagnosed with azoospermia Dec '06, TESA Mar '07
IVF/ICSI/AZH#1 Aug'07, BFN (6 usable eggs, 5 embies, 2 transferred, 1st beta=18, 2nd beta=12, 0 made it to blast to freeze)
IVF/ICSI#2:retrieval Nov'07 (w/ fresh TESA), FET sched Jan'08, no embryos to transfer (23 usable eggs, 12 embies, 0 made it to transfer)
IVF/ICSI#3: retrieval Mar'08, FET May'08, BFN (13 usable eggs, 7 fertilized w/ DH sperm= 0 blasts, 6 fertlized w/ DS=3 blasts, all 3 transferred, 1st beta=74, 2nd beta=64, 3rd beta=42)
1st cycle IUI/clomid/donor sperm postponed due to lack of follicular growth on 100mg clomidx5days.

ana

mom to beautiful baby lia.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 4:42pm
Hi Roman,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 9:23pm

Roman,


I'm there with you girl. I was so down all month that I couldn't even post on this board because it made me too mad and too depressed. I've been trying to force myself to see myself pregnant - I even stuffed a pillow in my shirt the other day

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 9:41pm

DH's family is from Parma, which is right outside of Cleveland. B/c of his family, I hope I never have to go back...or at least, not for a very long time :)


I have been angry at God for quite a while now. I do not speak to Him, I look away from crosses and such, and it's a miracle I even walk in the door of churches when I'm working funerals. I don't know when my distance from Him started, but IF has made the separation worse.


But anyway darling, I'm sorry AF showed but I think it's good that you are looking at it as a GOOD thing...that your hormones are fixing themselves. I just had my nightly "good cry", so I hope you had yours and that you feel better. LOVE YOU!!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 10:30pm

((((HUGS)))) I am sorry the witch showed up on Sunday.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 12:16pm

Hi Roman:


I'm sorry about AF but without her you wouldn't notice the reduced symptoms. So maybe no BFP but still a positive in one way ((((((HUG)))))) to you!


I understand what you mean about God. I have really tough moments with her and I can be really angry. But I have learned something that I consider a divine insight and I think about it when I'm upset. When I'm angry about my IF, I realize that other people have pain, too and my pain is mine but theirs is theirs and I may not know how

Franklin and Callan

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 3:17pm

Thank you everyone for making me feel better and normal about being angry at God. Gabrielle what a great suggestion, I do pride myself in being empathetic to other people's sorrow and maybe I just need to focus on the things that I DO have:

1.) a phenomenal husband
2.) I actually LOVE and get along with my in-laws
3.) very supportive mother and sisters
4.) great job
5.) smarts
6.) GREAT taste in music, he he he he


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